FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3337, 27 February 1918, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

Governess: " What is tho outward, visible sign of baptism?" Johnny: " lhe baby mum." Air raids notwithstanding, thero is ono thing about a hou3o that never comes down. That's tho rent. . At the seaside now, as usual, a lot »f fellows are teaching girls to swim. In lome oases that's the only thing they could n teach them! . , ~ on," said Mr O'Doolan, "it's mesell has to be standin' .tiptoe all the time to see phwat's happenin' 1" • There is no woman in the land so bad in arithmetician .that she could not calculate how much her husband would save if he did not smoke. • ■ . He- "Now, thirty-two in the shade is freezing-point, isn't it? Well, tell me -what do you think is loving-point? «*ou dont know? Why, two in the shade. His Reverence: "It's no good, Pat. You can't drown your troubles with drink. Fat: "Faith, ye have it, yer Riyerence—l can't. Sure, the divils can shwim!" He: " .fardon me, miss, but aren t you holding your skirt rather high?" She: "Haven't I a perfect right?" He: You certainly have, miss, and a peach of a left. Pedlar: "Want to buy an umbrella cheap?" Krankgey: "No. What's the use? Everybody steals my umbrella. ■Tedlar: "Well, this one ain't worth steal- — The Devil: "Yes, William, now that your old chum ' Gott' has. gone back on you, I'd like to help you; but I couldnt Suggest anything that you haven t already done." . . Jane Willis: "Why did the recruiting officer turn Charlie down?" Mane Gillis: "On account of his eyes. Jane Willis: " Why, I think he has beautiful eyes, don t y °— First Suburbanite: "I see they have taken the 8 a.m. train off this line. Do you miss it?" Second Suburbanite: ph. nothing like as much as I used .to when • it was on." . . Guard: "Now, then, miss, get in aciok, please. The train is just-going to 3Urt." Young Lady: "But I want ; to give my sister a kiss." Guard: ' Get in; 111 aeo to that." . . , "Sir, your daughter has promised to become my wife." " Well, don't come to me for sympathy; you might know something would happen to you, hanging round here five nights a week." - Singleton: "From what I have seen d your wife I am led to believe that she* V is somewhat of a temporiser." Wedderley: "You bet she is. I see her temper rise more frequently than I care to." The" new parson was calling on the farmer and said, "I've got to # find out a lot of things about 'this district. I suppose you know all the ins and outs of the lace?" "Well, sir," said the old fellow, •*I know all the inns." ' . Cross: " Do you think that dyeing the hair is a 3 dangerous as the doctors make out?" Crabbe: "Certainly; you may take my word for it. Only last year a rich uncle of mine took to dyeing his hair, and in three weeks he married a widow and four children." Diplomacy is essential, even in a country stationmaster. Witness a post-card from the local station agent to a well-known prohibitionist: " Sir,—Please send without delay for the case of books directed to you, which is lying at this station, and is leaking badly." (after an unusually long stoppage at small Border station): "I say, guard, why aren't we going on? Anything wrong?" Guard (complacently, engaged upon an alfresco lunch): "There's naething wrang, sir"; but I canna whistle the noo; ma mooth's fu'." "And the name is to bo?" asked the minister as he approached the baptismal font with the baby in his arms. "John Jellieoe Douglas Haig Lloyd George Bonar Law Smithors." "Dear me!" said the minuter, turning to the sexton. "A little more water, Mr Jones, if you please!" Tho 'tram conductress had punched a ticket, arid was handing it to a "Here," protested the passenger, with mirth lurking in the corner of his eye, i "that ticket's no good; the bell didn't ring." "Eh!" dryly replied the girl, "is it a irs->-, ride you want or to listen to the baud.'" . * —Harold came home onp night with his "elothos full of hol'w. "What, in 'the name of has happened to you?" exolaimii h-s piuthar. "Oh! we've been pla>"ir?T si<osr> ever since shcool was over.' Shoir?" c;b.otd tho mother. "Yes; we opened a grocery, ynd everybody was sometWntf/' , Harold explained. "I was the fthoes-j'" A tiainp slowly extracted a match from bi»; pocket and' placed the. tip of it against .too iron tyre of a dog-cart which was stand in a hfcside the kerbstone. Then he waited "My man," said the driver of the dog-cart, "what are you waiting there for?" "I am waiting till you move on," replied the tramp, "so as to strike this" match and g.vn ma a light." chen, Thomas':" inquired tho inquisitive wife. " I'm opening a tin of if you particularly wish to know," he impatiently rejoined. "And what axo you ' opening* it with?" " Why, with a canopener. Think I'm using my teeth?" he idctad. savagely. " Oh, no, dear." she sweetly replied; "but I. do know you are not oponing it with prayer." "May I ask what is going on in the village?" inquired the stranger. "We're ' oolebrating the birthday of the oldest inhabitant, si)'," replied the native. "She's a hundred and ono to-day." " And toll mo, pray, why does that little man by the old' Jivdy's side wear such a dreadfully sad countenance on such an auspicious occasion?" "That little man, sir, is the" old lady's son-in-law. He's been keeping up her life insurance for the last thirty years." A "routing airman returned, one day with a hit of valuable information about Iho enemy which no one believed. He therefore flow back again and returned with his machine riddled with bullets. "Yes, it's all right," he reported : " it was the Nth Regiment.. You'ro such a lot of unbelieving begjyars that I had to make sure. I just landed in a field and had a look at the number on their tunics. Had rather a job starting again, but they're rotten she's." An impetuous inspector who was visiting a provincial school was much worried by the noise of the scholars in tho next room. At length, unable to bear the upJcar any longer, he opened tho dcor and burst upon the class. Seeing ono boy taller than the others talking a great deal, he caught him by the collar, hustled him to the next room, and placed him in a ohorr; aaying: "Now, eft. there and be quiet!

Ten minutes later a small head appeared round the door and a meek little voice said : " Please, sir, you've got our teacher !''