FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3336, 20 February 1918, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

Remorse is something that many peoplo claim to experience after they have\ been found out. , . , Slum Child: "She died through catin a tupoeny ice on the top o' 'ot pudden. The Other Slum Child: "Lor'! wot a jolly death?" Rollingstone Nomoss : " Dis paper says dathbour U ennobling." Tattcrdon lorn: "■Dat's all righth, but I'm agin' de nobility anyhow." . _ * Mistress: "Did you manage to find the basket of eggs that was on the pantry .floor, Bridget?" Bridget: " Oh, yes, mum, aisily I shtepped on thim." . Young Man: "Why do you advise \ Miss Smith .to go abroad to study music? You know she has no talent." Old Man: "I live next door to Miss Smith." Wife: "John, there must be a lot of (. iron in your system." Husband: "Why do you think so?" Wife: "Because you invariably lose your temper when you get middle?" " What's that for?" "Why then she has 'two problems to bo excited - over—how the story will end and how it will begin." . —"Pa," said little Clarence, "what is an optimist?" "An optimist, my answered Mr Callipers, who knew. ' is a man who doesn't care what happens if it dosn't happen to him." . , . , Small Boy (at the circus, to hie grandfather): "Don't laugh like that, grandpa; "pecple will think this is the first time you have ever been in a place of amusement. The Vicar (to sexton): " Why don t > you see that the seats in the church are dusted now and then, Tombs?" Tombs (the sexton): "I do, sir; the congregation does it everv Sunday morning, sir. Emily (playing "house"): N ° w vAi be mamma and you'll be papa, and little Ben and Bessie will be our babies. Willie (after a moment, anxiously): |( Aint it about time to whip the ohildren? The latest war names to be recorded are " Roea Dardanella" and "'Lille Louvain." No fond mother, however, fancies "Ug'li," which is a town on the eastern front. . , name for my new home." "You say it is the highest spot in the neighbourhood? "The very Tbighest." "Call it 'The 4ce ' " ' So his mother intends making a pianist of him? N ' "Yes." " Who is to be his master?" "She hasn't got that far yet; at present she is merely just letting his hair grow." . , "My boy, remember a wife is a good deal like a motor car." "How so, dad? "Because getting one isn t so terribly difficult, but the cost of maintenance is something frightful." . Painful Memories.— You might ask Mary to get these stains off my coat with a little gasoline." "Oh. George, I cant Since the chauffeur lilted her the poor girl can't stand the smell of it." / Sunday School Teacher: " Why must we always be kind to the poor, Ethel.' "Ethel (slightlv mixed): "Because among the sundry and manifold changes of thiswicked world ~\ve don't know how soon they may become rich." A man wrote a book about hell once, in 1666. He was a German. At that time he estimated there were forty-eight million folk in hell, and he-"had figures down pat: 48,666,333. But he never told how he took the census. The Minister : " Mackintosh, why 'don t you come to churclf*now?" Mackintosh: " For three reasons, sir. Firstly, I dmna like ver theolosry; secondly, I dmna liko yer singing and, thirdly, it was in your kirk I first met my wife." _ —"Oh I am proud!" exclaimed a young simrer. "I had a great reception after ray song last night. The audience shouted ' Fine ! Fine !' " ''Good thing you didnt sing again!" said . his ' friend. Whyf "They would have yelled 'lmprisonment' !" ' "Why did you sell your biff, comfortable motor for a miserable-looking, cheap car like that?" " Because I wanted to be comfortable, and I couldn t be in tho largo car, with its soft cushions and easy springs. You see, I drove a milk cart for fifteen years." Quick Work.—A New York mother, on hearing that her sister had received a new little girl, said to Lillian, her little daughter: Lillian, auntie has a new baby, and now mamma is the baby's aunt, papa is the baby's uncle, and you are her little cousin." "Well," said Lillian wondenngly, "wasn't that arranged quick?" Johnny was a typical boy, and full of excuses for any wrongdoing. One day he. • whistled aloud in school, and his teacher asked how he happened to do it. Johnny said: " I—l—didn't mean to. I had a little air in mv mouth, and I wanted to push it out; I 'didn't know it was going to make a noise." She was well over eighty years of age, and for the first time in her life she had been taken to a picture palace. As she came out a friend met her in the vestibule. '"Hope you enjoyed yourself, Mrs Jones?' she exclaimed. "Yes," replied the old dame, " I did. But I'm gettm' that deaf nowadays I couldn't hear a word 'they said." His Own Fault. —The city man tried to pirf>»the nonogenarian peasant down to items. "Tell me, what must one do to live to be ninety, like you?" ' " Don't drink/ don't smoke," laconically; " keep out in fresh air." "But my father observed all those rules, and he died at sixty." "Yee," calmly; but he didn t do 'em long enough." \ little girl wrote the following composition on "Men":—"Men are what women marry. They drink and smoke and swear, but don't go to church. Perhaps if they wore bonnets they would. They are more logical than women, also more zoological. Both men and women sprang from monkeys, but the women sprang farther than the men." aro necessary in laundering a collar; but i the man with a tender neck can't find more than eight, which aro as follow: —Washing in hard water, using a trace of starch, fraying tho edges, ripping the buttonholes, corrugating the inner surface, putting on four fly specks, ironing slightly, and then throwing into the wrong bag. On the occasion of the death of a chief of one of the department bureaus in Washington, a clerk in that bureau was dashing madly down the street, when ho was Btoppod by a friend, who asked: " Why the deuce are you in such a tearing hurry?" "I am going," explained the clerk, " to the funeral of my chief, and there is nothing he hates liko unpunctu-

She: "And why aro you afraid to ask papa?' He: "Well, I've asked him for three of your sisters already." Magistrate: "You are accused of attempting to rob a pedestrian at two o'clock this morning. What have you to say in your own behalf?" Prisoner: "lam not guilty, your worship; I can prove a lullaby." "You mean ai\ alibi?" Prisoner: " Well, call it what you like, but my wife will swear that I was walking the floor with the baby at the hour mentioned in the charge." Desirous of buying a camera a certain fair young woman inspected the stock of a local shopkeeper. "Is this a good one?" she asked as she picked up a dainty little machine. "What is it called?" ' r That's the Belvedere," said the handsome young shopman politely. There was a chilly silence. Then the young woman drew herself coldly erect, fixed him with an icy stare, and asked again: " Er—and can you recommend the Belva?"

Eugene was a very mischievous little boy and his mother's, patience was worn to the limit. She had spoken very nicely to him several times without effect. Finally she said: "You are a perfect little heathen!" "Do you mean it?" demanded Eugene. " Indeed, I do," said the mother. "Then, mother," said the boy, "why can't I keep that sixpence a week you gimme for the Sunday school collection? I guess I'm as hard up as any of the rest of 'em. \ A man has been looking up some mistakes, and he finds that: When a plumber make& a mistake he charges twice for it; when a lawyer makes a mistake he has a chance to try the case all over again; when a carpenter makes a mistake it means an "extra"; when an electrician makes a mistake ho blames it on "induction," beoause nobodv knows what that is;_ when a doctor makes a mistake he buries it; when a judge makes a mistake it becomes a law of tho land; when a preacher makes a mistake nobody knows the difference; but when a home-builder makes a mistake he usually has to live with it for the rest of his life. . .