FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3335, 13 February 1918, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

he won't talk about "her." flies when you consider how many people euro trying, to kill it. Wiley: "What is the social scale that the novels talk so much about?" Hubby: "That is whero they weigh money." "The human race is a great one. "Yee," said, the' widow to whom ho was engaged. "I am. now on the second lap." "When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?"' "Dunno. We've planted some dafiydils in front of our trench." "Bloomin' "optimists! We've planted acorns!" A famous iudge holds that chocolates are not a necessity. That judge must have married his w;if3 on the same day he first met her. - Diner (in cheap restaurant): Well, waiter, what have you got?" Waiter: "Pork chops and fish. But the fish is all gone. Which'll you have?" The Reformer: "The way to cope with bigamy is " The Henpecked Man: "To' make each bigamist live with "hi 3 wives and-mothers-in-law." .—Teacher: • "What? Forgotten your pencil again? What, would you think of a soldier who went .to war without a gun?" .Pupil: "I'd think he was an officer, sir." - " Look "Look at the great cities of antiquity, exclaimed the lecturer. "Where are they now? Why, some of them have perished so "utterly- that it is doubtful if they ever existed." " " Wife (at music hall): "What a clever performer! How I wish I could on a one-string violin!" Husband: "Well, my dear, you can harp on one string very successfully." Hotel Waiter: "Come, sir, you really must go off to bed, sir." (Yawns.) "Why, : the dawn's a-breaking, sir" I Late Reveller: "Let it. break—and put it down in the bill, waiter!" Miss Newrich: "We dined out- last Pa disgraced us, as usual!" Her Friend: "'How was that?" Miss Newrich: "He got to the .end of the dinner with, three forks and two spoons still unused." She: "Remember when he was a green country boy and you -showed him the sights? What a crude interest ho took!" He: "He's the same now, except that he'd like to take the interest before it's lifcrtiocl ' —ln developing the idea of truthfulness a teacher asked the question, "What is the best thing in the world to do, and at \b.9 same time the hardest?" A little girl >aised her "hand timidly. ."Well, Emma. 'To get married." i Blobbs: "What nonsense it is for newspapers in their accounts of weddings to describe the bride as being led to the altar." Slobbs: "How so?" Blobbs: "Why, most of the, girls could find their way in the dark." _"The scientists have discovered germs everywhere, and it is getting unsafe 'to mingle with one's follow-men," sighed Nag. "Yes," agreed Wag. "If matters do not improve, it will soon be unhealthy to be buried/in the ' same graveyard with o.ther folks." .„ ~ , "You must give your wife for knowing as much about the political situation as you do." "That's what I want to do," replied Mr Gribblc. "I want to 'give her credit for everything without putting her to the 'trouble of explaining a single word." '■■""'«. "Do.you guarantee these colours fast? askel the customer at the hosiery counter. "Certainly not, madam," replied the new clerk in the fullness # of his knowledge. "Black is never considered a fast colour, you know. -But I can show you something pretty swift in stripes." \ O'Flaherty: "Misther O'Sullivan, will y-y stop and have a friendly, discussion on the matter of Home Rule?" O'Sullivan: "It's sorry I am, but it's not convenient just now." O'Flaherty: "And why not, honey?" O'Sullivan :. "Why, to. tell ye the truti' O'Flaherty, I haven't got me shtick handy." Griggs: "When I don't catch the name of the person I've been introduced to I ask if it's spelled with an 'e' or an 'i.' It generally works, too." Briggs: "I used to try that dodge myself until I was introduced to a young lady at a dance. When I put the question about the V or 'i,' she renlied indignantlv, 'Sir! my name is 'Hill.'"' Willie was out walking wi'th his "mother, when she thought she saw a boy on the other side of the street making faces at her darling. "Willie," aske3 mother, "is that horrid boy making faces at you?" "Pie is." replied Willie, giving his coat a tug. "No'w, mother, don't start any peace talk—you just hold my coat for about five minutes." ■ —The irate .'ndy lecturer had called at the newspaper office and demanded to see the hapless reporter who had written an account of her lecture. "Did you write this report on my lecture, "The Curse of Whisky ?" she asked him. "Yes, madam." replied the newspaper man. "Then kindly i)xplain whit you mean bv saying: 'The w&tiirer was evidently full of her submit' !" A class of recruits were being put

tfircugh a preliminary examination in firstxi I work. Finally it came to Pat O'.Flvnn'a turn to answer. The serareant asked him the following question:—"Now, Pat, supposing a man were to fall in a drunken fit, how woiil.i you treat him?" "Faith, sergeant,' replied Pat, 'Oi wouldn't treat him at all. I'd consider he had had enough." —"I wonder," remarked Mrs Brown a 3 she put down her paper, "what they'll do with the Kaiser when the war's over? I suppose they'll take his crown away and make him look for another job." "Perhaps," agreed Brown; "and I rather fancy I know the iob he'll choose." "What's that?" "A diver's." "Why? asked Mrs ;Brown. "So that he can inspect his fleet how and again,' was the reply. • A British soldier went into a grocery establishment to buy some articles. Seeing some red herrings lying on the counter, he. asked what they were. "Soldiers, my friend," said the grocer, winking at the company. "Are thov?" rejoined the son of Mars. "Then I'll 'take them, as deBerters," and off he walked with his prisoners, to tho discomfiture of the witty grocer and amusement of the bystanders. Tho blushing bride was very newly wed and very shy, and very modest. Howaver, it was essential 'to get something for dinner, and she braced herself up to the extent of invading- the local butcher's shop for the first time. "What would yoi: like, madam?" inquired the obliging tradesman. Ah! Here oamo the difficulty. She knew -—but how could sho sav? "I think." she falterod nfc la-at, "you might send me —er— a nioo limb cf lamb."

A widower was deeply grieved when his wife passed away, and he had sculptured on her tombstone: "My light has gone out." Then he married again, and he went to Bishop Potter and suggested thau his remarriage might seem to be at variance with the inscription. "Don't you think I had better have it taken off tho stone?" he asked. ' "No," answered the bisliop. "I'd just put under it: 'I have struck another match.' "