FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3334, 6 February 1918, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

Mrs Kawlcr: " Your daughter, I Understand, has spent a groat deal of her time in Italy." Mrs Blunderby: "Oh, yes, indeed; she's quite italicised." She (at the theatrej: "I don't understand what the" detective is supposed to be doing in this piece." The Dramatic Critic (wearily): "I fancy he is looking for the plot." Mistress: " Mow, remember, Bridget, tho Jonscs are coming to dinner to-nignt." Cook: "Leave it to me, mum. , I'll do my worst! They'll never trouble you again." Coal Porter to Lady (popping her head through coalhole in pavement): " I'm coming to you with 'art a ton in a minute, ao don't fret yourself, 010 periscope."— Punch. Mrs Stingy: "Dear, the baby has swallowed a penny. . What on earth shall I do?" Mr sitingy:' "Oh,, well, let him have it. Next Thursday is his birthday, anyway." ChestoiLon, "that yuu —cr—stout men are always so good-natured?" "We have to be," rejoined G. K., " for we can neither fight nor run." Professor: " The boys were so entranced this morning that they remained in, my lecture hall all through the dinner hour." Hie Daughter': " Why didn't you wake them up?" -- Mistress: " I must get you another chair for tho kitchen, Katie. I see you 'Lave only one." Katie: " Shure, you needn't; mind, ma'am. I have none but gentleman callers." Staff Colonel: "Your reports should be written in such manner that even the moss ignorant may understand them." Sergeant: " Well, sir, what part is it that' -you don'i-understand?" Maud: "That is Miss Ryno, the heiress. She was born, you know, with a silver spoon in her mouth." Mabel (inspecting her): "She. looks as if it might have been a eoup ladle." '.- —"Oh, my dear friends 1" exclaimed the orator, '"it makes me glad when I think of 'the days_that are gone, when I look 'around and ""miss the old familiar faces I used to shake hands with." — y It's a pity," remarked the thoughtful thinker, "that a man isn't like a pie-' crusti" "Because why?" asked /the dense person. "Then," explained the T.T.,' "the shorter he is the richer he would be." \ —:I never saw such a' storm in all my life." " Pardon me, my friend; since you flaw the storm, no doubt you can 'tell us. what colour it was." Certainly; the wind blew and the storm rose, you ninny 1" Little was looking at a picture of Elijah "going .to heaven in a chariot of fire. Pointing to the halo about the prophet's head, Benny exclaimed, " See, mamma, he's carrying an extra tyre!" Tommy: "Mamma, why did they put Monday next to Sunday?" Mamma: "Don't trouble me now, dear; I'm sure I don't know." Tommy (after a pause): "Was •ft because cleanliness is next to godliness?" —" Ma says that the paper says that the lodge gave you a vote of thanks. What is a vote of 'thanks, dad?" "A vote of thanks is an expression of gratitude as a body that is in no way binding on the individual." —" Why do you have an apple as your trade mark?" asked a client of the cash tailor. " Well, well," 'replied the man, rubbing his hands, "if it hadn't been for an apple where would the clothing business bo to-day?" Marie Willis: "How inconsistent the ■ SsoTernment is. For their officers' training camps thr.'y say they want applicants who nan handle men." Jane Gillis: "Yes?" Marie. Willis: "And yet they won't let us women enlist." —" My hopes of fortune have been dispelled j; by tinremunerative Government contracts," Mid a contractor at the Liverpool Bankruptcy Court. It is good to read for once (says Punch) of the-'Government getting the best of a bargain. —Mr Porter (of Chicago): "When my books were made up I found I'd killed just one hog short of a million. I'd like to have matfe it a level million." Dollv Trotter (awfully bored): "You are not thinking of committing suicide, are you?" . —" Dr Doogood preaches such interesting sermons." "Yes. When he comes to the place where he says, ' And now, just one word more/ he always considerately refrains from going on for more 'than ten nr fifteen minuteß. I like him very much." ~"You will at I.iast admit for the sake of argument that 'the world is round, and— -■" "Nothing of the kind!" interrupted J. Fuller Gloom. "Well, then, it J 8 flat, if that suits you. Now " "No, jt isn't. It is crooked, and I don't want Ic arfjttr. t>TfCtr>x: " Why, how is this, my dear flr\ leu send mo a note stating that you I**l V»on attacked with mump3, and I find ?,'*& su , fi "- ! -' i «S . from rheumatism." Patient: irtats all right, doctor. There wasn't a IOUi 'in the house that knew how to spell luaumatK-m."' "The world is composed of three olives of men—first, those who have sue-. Mjodsd, and, sseond, those who haven't" ' Yqs. And the third?" "Oh, they're the follows whp wrfto artiolea for the magazines telling the second class how the first ola.ts did it." "Say," asked the distinguished waitress as tho. man at the lunch counter began Barefully wrapping up his sandwiches, whatV you goin* 'to do with them?" "Use them for repairing tyres. I run a garage, and good rubber comes mighty v nigh thfcse days." Johnson's awfully annoyed about the fate of tho picture he sent to the local exhibition." " Why. I .'thought it took the first prize in its class?" "That's right; but then the subject was a herd of cattle, and it was awarded the prize for the best picture of sheep !" —" How long is it going to take to get through this case?" asked the man who was under remand for housebreaking. "Well." replied the young lawyer thoughtfully, "it'll take me about three weeks to get through with it, but I'm afraid it's going to take you about five years." just before twelvo o'clock, "a lady has called who won't give her name, but says her husband promised to bo home early this evening." "Excuse me, please!" was the simultaneous exolamation of tho members present, all of them rising at once. The wrathful-visaged dame was cuffing tho small boy so vigorously that tho benevolent old lady interposed. " Surely ho has done nothing to deserve such a thrashing,'.' she demonstrated: "a sweet child like that'!' "Sweet child is right," shouted tho virajro. "He's been and swallowed our tugar-tickot!"

"Hero's a penny for you, my man," she said to the frayed and ragged-looking individual who stood under the porch with extended hand. " I'm not giving it to you for charity's sake, but merely because it pleases me." "Thankee; but couldn't 'you make it sixpence and enjoy yourself thoroughly, ma'am?" Since" the war Mrs Smithy is nearer than ever in the portion of food she doles out at the table to her boarders. One day just latoly at dinner, wishing to bo'polite to a new" boarder, she asked, "Mr Finley, how did you find 'the steak this morning?" "By turning my potato over,"" replied the boarder calmly. Always lookin' forward to an easy-go in' time, When the world seems movin' careless, like a bit of idle rime; A day when there is nothin' that kin make you sigh or fret; ) Always lookin' forward —but I haven t seen it yet.