FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3333, 30 January 1918, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

Drill Sergeant (to awkward squad): "Tho bullet of our new rifle will go right through 18in of solid wood. Remember that, you blockheads!" D'Aubist: "Do you think my battle picture expresses, as I have meant it to, all the poignant horrors of war?" Krittick: "Oh, yes; it's the awfullest thing I ever law." "He claims to have caught a tenpound trout." " Why, trout don't grow as largo as that so far as I am aware. "They do, after you have told the story a few times." "What sort of a man is he?" "What sort? Oh, you know his form to a T. He is too proud to ride 'third,' but not ashamed to go 'first' with a third-claes ticket." Father M'Nally (with righteous indignation): "For shame on ye, O'Bleary; ye're half drunk. O'Bleary (apologcticallj'): "Oi know it, ycr worship; but it's not my fault. Oi've sphint all the money' Oi had." —" Forgive me for asking, dear, but papa says you can't meet your creditors." "'Tis false, dearest. I meet them every day." "Bless you, darling. I knew it ■wasn't true!" Little Catherine, aged five," refused to go on with her glass of ginger ale, and ■when a3ked why she didn't like it replied: " 'Cause it bites my tongue and spits in mv fuee." —Mr Newriehe: "I've been spending quite a lot of money on that place of mine. Want to make it -fit for a gentleman, y'sec.' Farmer : " I understand. Going to let it, eh? > Husband (groaning): "The rheumatism in my log is coming again." Wife (with sympathy): "Oh, I am so sorry, John! I wanted to do some shopping to-day, and that is a sure sign of rain." —" I sutapose you carry a memento of 6ome sort" in that locket of yours?" "Yes, it is a lock of my husbands hair." "But your husband is still alive I" " Yes, but hie hair has gone 1" "My wife does look after me, I can / toll you. Why, she takes off my boots for 5 mo in the evening!" " When you come homo from the club?" asked a friend. "No; when. I want to go there." _ Author: "What has become of the pair of cuffs I laid aside after breakfast?" Wife: "I sent them to the laundry. Author: "Good heavens! I had the plot of a great novel written on them!" The Guide: "Now, ez soon ez I km borry a dorg we'll be ready for your huntin' trip." The Amateur Sport: Why, what's the matter with your own dogl The Guide: " Oh, he's too valuable. Teacher: "What made you late this morning, Johnny ?" Johnny: " Please, mum, u burglar'has been caught in the East End, and mother sent me the police station to see if it was father.' Briggs: "Bertler is an assj that's what he is. Ho is always on the wrong side of every question." Harleigh: "But he says the .'same thing of you." Briggs: " Well, and doesnlt that prove what I say of him?" Lady (who has given a tramp a plate of scraps): "You must feel the humiliation of begging for food." Tramp: " It's not thai so ranch, mem. What hurts me io that I'm depriving the poor innocent fowls of a feed." . . Editor: "Your etory is- too highly coloured." Author: "Why? How's that?' Editor: "Because the hero turns white with fear, the villain green with envy, the heroine red with blushing, and the cabby blue with cold." ' - . • —Father: "Well, Carrie, how do you like school?" Carrie (aged six):. "Oh, so m#ch, papa!" Father: "That's right, daughter. And now what have you learned to-day?" Carrier "I've learned the names of all the little boys." Two card-Dlaying friends were passing through a pine forest when one asked the other: " Why cannot the proprietor of this forest fell his own timber?" To which the other replied: " Becauso no one is allowed to cut when it is his own deal. Mother of four daughters, of. whom one has recently married, to a young man sitting beside-.her in the drawing room whom she would like for a son-in-law: "And which of mv girls do vou most admire?" Ho (fighting shy): "The married oneT" .... Artist: "So vou found that oil painting I left behind last summer, and put H 'to good use?" Farmer: "By Jove! Yes, I scraped all'the paint off the canvas, and took it round to the cobbler and had a pair of caiiyas shoes made out of jt, by Jove!" Auntie (visiting in the country): "What a heavenly morning it is, Nina! I feel as though I should like to make eomeono supremely happy to-day?" Nina (catching the same feeling): "Yes, auntie, «nd so do I. Let's go and scratch the pig's back." /■■ —"Colonel," asked the beautiful girl. •;- "when was the most trying moment of your life?" "It was when I went to my wife's father for the purpose of asking him to let me have her. He was very deaf, and I had to explain the matter before twenty clerks." Wife: "Don't you think you might monago to stay at home alone for a week while 1 go off on a visit?" Husband: "I think so; yes. of course." Wife: " But won't vou" bo lo".elv and miserable?" Husband: "Not a bit," Wife; "Oh, then, I won't go!" —An old gentleman who was fond of botany was strolling through a park the other "day when, pointing to a certain tree, he said to one of the assistants: "Can you tell mo', my good friend, if that tree belonge to tho arbutus family?" " No, sir," replied the man, curtly, "it doesn't; it belongs to the corporation." —"I vos go an' lose five pounds." " Vot!" shrieked Rebecca, "We vos be ruined." "No, no, no!" said Ikey. "I vos mean five pounds in weight, not monish." " Veil," said Rebecca, greatly relieved at the news, " veil, Ikey, it vos servo you right. ■ I vos tell you not to go in the vater." ■ —"l see there is crent activity in shipping circles of late." "Shipping circles? What do they do that-for?'* "What do they do what for?" " Ship circles. Where do they ship them to?" "Don't get funny! You know what I mean ps well as I do." "Oh, I see now! You mean motor tyres, I suppose?" A large map was hung upon the wall, and the teacher was instructing the class in geography. " Horace," said she to a small pupil, "when you stand facing tho north you havo on your right hand the great continent of Asia. What have you on your left; hand?" "A wart," replied Horace; " but I can't help it, teacher."

—An observant wifo took a long dark hair off her husband's shoulder, and held it up for inspection. he said, "is from/the horse's inane. I have just been curry-combing him." " What made you suppose,' - she asked haughtily, "that I thought it was anything else?" At which he shrank back behind his newspaper again, feeling as if he had kicked hard at something and missed it. At the close, of his talk before a Sunday school the parson invited questions. A tiny boy, with white, eager face, at onco held up his hand. "Please, sir," said he "why was Adam never a baby?" The parson coughed in doubt as to what answer to give, but a little girl, the eldest of several brothers and sisters, came promptly to his aid. " Please, sir," she answered smartly, "there was, nobody to nuss him." induced tho authorities to put up a pillarbox. Some of the villagers were unable to guess tho uses of the innovation. A bright idea at last struck an old labourer, one of a group who were discussing it. '' I know," he said ; "it do belong to the Zalvation Army; that's why they painted it red." " No," said another, "you're wrong. It says 'No collection on Zundays' "