FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3330, 9 January 1918, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

—"George has written a patriotic song k> help the war." "So I hear. Aren't iho modern methods of warfare horrible V" A Clubman: "Is that old chap in the corner always so glum as now?" Another: "By no means. He laughs twice a yearspring and autumn—when the women s hats come in."

A cartman charged with overloading his horse was asked how heavy a load he had on his truck. " About a ton/' he replied: "but it was all light stuff." "So she has lost her husband? Haa sho recovered from her grief yet ?" " Not yet. You know how slow these insurance companies are in settling." Jim: "What are yer larfin' at. Bill? Bill: "Why, the ole woman started to jaw that copper what kyme to lock me up, an' I'm Mowed if 'e ain't run 'er in an' left me !" Doctor: " Did your husband follow my directions? Did ho take the medicine I left for him religiously?" Patient's Wife: "I'm afraid not, doctor. He swore every time I gave him a dose." "Why are you putting the cat into" the jam cupboard, Tommy?" aske'd Tommy's aunt. " Why," said Tommy, "to catch that little bird that's always telling muvver when I goes to it." Wiggins: "Lend me five shillings till to-morrow, will you?" Diggins: "I should say not. It was only last Sunday that you told me to-morrow never comes "in this world." "Where's your father, boy? asked the gentlemanly agent. "Sweeping the horizon," replied the son. "And your mother, where is she?" "Shoe out sweepin' the garden." The Admirer: "Don't you think Miss Howler has wonderful control of her voice?" The Brute: "No, I don't. She sings every time anyone asks her to. • —"l've got to practise on the piano for five hours a day," said the disconsolate small girl. " What for?" asked her friend. " 'Cause mother and father don't like our new neighbours." Barber (to talkative customer): Closo your mouth, sir, please." T.C.: "It's all right. You won't cut mo, mister. Barber: "I rin't afraid of cutting you, but I'm afraid of losing my razor." Mrs Justwed: "My dear, when w> •were erfgaged I always slept with your last letter under my pillow." Justwed: ' And I, too, darling, often went to sleep over your letters." , A farmer, asked whether he had had a good vear, replied, " Yes. I had four cows . and three hogs killed by railway trains, and two dogs and eleven chickens killed by motor cars. I cleared a pile o money!' _. The chairman of the gas company was making a popular address. " Think of the good tfi3 gas company has done !" he cried. ? 'lf I were permitted a pun, I would say, in the words of the immortal poet, 'Honour the Light Brigade.' " Voice of a consumer from the audience: " Oh, what a charge they made!" , , Jack Smallcash (to rich widow s daughter): "Dearest Emily, will, you be my wife?" Emily Rockebilt: "Oh, Mr Smallcash ! This is so very unexpected. I mink—l think you had better ask mamma." Jack already, but ehe refused me." Ethel: "Papa, did mother accept you the first time you proposed to her?' Father: "Yes-, my dear; but since then sho has scornfully rejected any proposal that I have ever made." ,•••*-.. —" John, dear, does your business bring you into contact with publishers?" asked the innocent little wife. "Yes," John replied hesitatingly. "But why do you ask?" "Because you were talking in your jleep about bookmakers." - " " When I was young I worked twelve hours a day," said the "father. "I admire your youthful energy," replied the son; "but I admire still more the mature wisdom which led you to stop it." The clerk timidly entered his employer's sanctum. "I should like to go to my mother-in-law's funeral this afternoon, buy" he ventured. Iho head of the firm looked up at him and murmured. "So should r-l"

Jinks: "Have you selected a trade or profession for your boy?" Winks: "I shall make a plumber of him." "Has he a bent that way?" "He's born for it. Tell him to do thing immediately, and he won't think of it again for a week?" V

The boy came into the house /weeping, and his mother was naturally solicitous. "What's the matter. Willie?" she ■ asked. "The bov across the way hit me," he replied. "Oh. well. I wouldn't cry for that," 6he returned. " Show that you can be a little man." "T ain't crying for that,"' he retorted. "Then what are you crying for?" "He ran into the house before I could ?et at him." Robuet Old Gentleman (to sick woman just arrived at health resort): " When I first came here I hadn't strength 'to utter a word; I had scarcely a hair on my head: I couldn't walk across the room, and I had to be lifted from my bed." Sick Woman: "You trive me great hope. How were you cured?" Robust Old Gentleman: " I was born here."

—ln mighty wrath the sergeant came into the midst of the new batch of recruits and fixed his onsrle eye on one who evidently was so horribly self-conscious that he simplv hated to wash. "Hi, you!" /roairerl the fierce xx-rpon. " Have you taken a hath?" Mild indignation was in the raw 'un's voice as he answered: "No; is there one missing l ?" —An old eruide at Stratford-on-Avon was minus the first finger of his right hand. An inquisitive lady tourist noticed this, and became curious. " How did you lose your finger, my good man?" she asked. "Well." he_ replied slowly, " I've been a guide in this town for twenty-five years, and I jist naturally wore that finger off pointing out place.* of interest 'to the tourist." A visitor to Ireland was bidding farowell, and said to an attendant: "Goodbye. Pat." " Good-bye, yer honor. May heaven bless you. and may every hair in your head be a candle to light your soul to glory!" "Well, Pat," he said, showing him a bald pate, " when that time comes there won't be much of a torchlight procession." Johnnie had been arguing with his mother, and had <?ot rather the worst of the interview, which ended with a sound of "smack, smack." "Johnnie," said his father, "I'm surprised to hear that you dared to dispute with vour mother." "But she was wrong, pa," replied Johnnie. " That has nothincr to do with it," said the old man. "You might just as well profit by my experience, and learn once for all that when a woman says a thing is so, it is so. whether it is so or not.".