FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 3315, 26 September 1917, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY

you in this collision?" "No, madam; it was the stopping so auick." "He saj- that his employers 'way:-, regarded hirn as a valuable man." ' Yes, they offered a large reward for him hen h., left." —"ls May jealous of her husband? " Jealous! Why, on their wedding trip ahe wouldn't even let him admire the ecenery." .—" Do you know, old chap, it costs me ton thousand pounds a year to live." " That's a lot of money. Do you really think it's worth it?"

Patience: "When I was young I had at least fifty offers for my hand." Patrice: "Those were what you might call your palmv days, I suppose." —'' You have read my new story?" "Yes." "What do you think of it?" "To be perfectly candid with you, I think the covers are too far apart." —" Do you think you could learn to love me?" the young man inquired. "Learn to love you?" exclaimed the maid. "Harold, I could give lessons at it." 'Van Smythe is getting dreadfully absent-minded. Ho's paid mo that pound I loaned him twice. What would you advise me to do?" "Ask him for it again."

Mother: " How are getting on, Neddv? Have you had any sport?" Boy: " Well, ma. we haven't caught any but we've drowned several worms!"

—" That new maid of ours is a wonder. When she came to us two months ago she couldn't understand a word we said to her." "And now?" "And now she w T on't."

Charlie: "Is she one of those girle you can kiss if you want to?" Jack: "Better than that—she's one of those girls you needn't kiss if you don't want to. ' —" She determined to bo the boss of the house, but he was pretty strong-willed himself." " How'd she . manage it?" " Became his cook, instead of his wife."

—" The baby is wonderfully like its mother, Mr Meeker." "Yes, they both have such a commanding air about them that I don't dare refuse them anything." —" What's the uso of all this athletic business in college life?" " Well, it makes -the graduates who oan pass the mental examination eligible for the police force." —'' When your mother-in-law foil into the water why didn't you help to get her out?" My dear madam, you muet know that nothing I ever have done has pleased her "

—" My husband never gets what he should for his poetry," said the poet's wife, with a tinge of sadness. "Oh, don't be too hard on him!" replied the girl absentmindedly. "That chap is one of the leading lawyers of this town." " Gets pretty big fees, eh?" "I should say so. Why, it's almost as cheap l to buy the Gravid Jury as to hire him."

—" Do you wish to have a l'fe-size portrait?" asked the artist. " Certainly," replied Mrs Newriche. " It'll probably cost more for the frame, but gracious! we ain't goin' to stick at that." —" You said you were going into some business- that would bring you quick returns," said a young fellow to his chum. "I did," was the answer;" I am sending manuscripts to the magazines." The Father: " Did mamma punish you to-day, Tommy?" The Boy: "Yes." The Father: "What did she do?" The Boy: "Made me stay m the house while she was taking her singing lesson."

Houseman: "If I'd known you were going to drop in on us so unexpectedly we would have had a better dinner." Horton: " Don't mention it, old man; but next time I'll be sure to let you know." '— Mr Shake (in a hollow whisper): "Take a stick and go first, my love." Mrs Shake: "Why should I?" Mr Shake: "It's only a coward that would touch a woman, and burglars are seldom cowards." Kindly Gent: "What is your name, my boy?" Hotel Page Boy: "They call me 'Billiard Cue,' sir." Kindly Gent: "Whatever for?" Hotel Page Boy: "Because I work so much better with a good tip!" . v Mrs Hive: "Why are children so much worse than they used to.be?" Mrs Bee: "I attribute it to improved ideas in building." Mrs Hive: "How so?" Mrs Bee: "Shingles are soarce, and you can't spank a boy with a t : n roof." Proud Mother: " This is a toy tea-set my little girl has for afternoon parties. She t a to serve make-believe tea and makebelieve sandwiches. It's a harmless fancy." Guest: " Perfectly ! _ I've been to grown-up affairs where they did it!" largest trout," said man in the angler's outfit. " Throw them!" replied the astonished fishmonger. " Yes, throw them. Then I'll tell my wife I caught them. I may be a poor fisherman, but I'm no liar." "A fine rush for the first day," said the wife of the tailor who had just opened in Plunkville. " That must mean that the old tailor isn't {riving general satisfaction." "I dunno," responded her husband. "It may mean that he isn't giving general credit."

"Father." said the minister's son. "my teacher says that ' collect' and ' congregate ' mean the same thing. Do they?" Per haps they do, my son," said the venerable clergyman. "But you may tell your teacher that there is a Vast difference between a congregation and a collection." —Mr Jones: "Now, I'm going to tell you something, Maiidie. Do you know that last night, at your party, your sister promised to marry mo? I hope tou'l) mo for taking her away?" Little Maudie: " Forgive you, Mr Jones! Of course, I "w'll i -Why, that's what the party was for."

After the battle of Mons an officen congratulated an Irishman on his conspicuous bravery under fire. " Well, Pat," he said, " how did you feel during the engagement?" "Feel, captain," answered Pat. " I felt as if ivve.y hair on me head was a band of music, and they were all playing 'Home, sweet home.'"

Mr M'Guire." said the lawyer. "if you had acted only on the defensive. Bait you struck. If you had let him strike you first you would ha.e had the law on your side." "Yes," eaid M'Guire. "Oi'd pave had the law on my soide; but Oi'd nave had him on me stomach."

Bridget was fond of waiting at the door of the churcl' and complimenting the priest onhiseermon. One day the priest remarked after an unusually strong "bit o' blarney"; " Now, Bridget, you know that your corn plrments fall off me like water off a duck's back." Nothing abashed, Bridget replied: "Yes. father, but—the ducks like it.

When Mark Twain was young and •truggling, a friend of his met him walking through the streete with a cigar box under

his.arm. She said to him: "Mr demons, whenever T see you there is a cigar box under your arm. I'm afraid you are smoking too much." "It isn't that," said the imperturbable Mark; "I'm only moving again I" _— The musketry instructor had been giving a les jii on the rifle to one particularly " green " set of recruits. At the end ho asked: " Now. is there any question you want to ask?" One dull-looking "Johnny Raw" stepped forward, blushing awkwardly. "Yes, mv man?" said the instructor encouragingly. "Please, sir," stammered the searcher after knowledge, "be it right that the harder I pulls the trigger thing, the farther the bullet goes?" The old farmer had no faith in "physio," but he became so unwell that he was eventually induced to see a doctor. A few days after hie visit the doctor met him, and remarked that he looked better. "Yes, zur," said the farmer, "I am a lot better than I was." "So the medicine did you some good after all, then ?" said the physician. "I dunna, zur, I dunno," the farmer went on. " 'Tis like this 'ere, you see. Soon as I got outside your place,' I drinked one half, and throwed away the other —but I can't tell which done me the most good!"