FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3313, 12 September 1917, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

Miss Wischead: " Somo men must be driven, others can be led." Mr Hittit: "Yes; but while you can drive a man to drink, you can't always lead him to the altar."

Muggins: "That little shrimp doesn't look liKe a hero, does he?" Juggins: "Great Scott! No. What has he ever done':" Muggins: "He's been married six times!"

"Say, Jim,' did you give your friend a quid pro quo when he sent you a silk umbrella?" "No, sir; nothm' so stingy as that about me. I sent him back a goldheaded cane."

Racer: "What does your wife say to you when you've been out late?" Pacer: "Do you know, I've been hearing that speech for eeven or eight years, and haven't memorised it yet I" Servant: "If you please, sir, I should like a day off." Master: "A day! So Boon again! What for?" Servant: "Well, I am going to be married to-morrow, and I shall have to be there!"

Heiny: "See that woman across the street?" Omar: "Yes. What of her?" Heiny: "She's a female train-robber." Omar: "Is that so?" Heiny: "Yes. She invented the sawed-off skirt."

Teacher: "What do you mean, John Thomas, by speaking of Dick Wagner, Ludie Beethoven, Charlie Gounod, and Fred Handel?" John Thomas: "You told me to get xamiliar with the great composers !" Farmer Brown: "Tf I were as lazy as you I'd go and hang /self in my barn. ' Tramp: "No, you wouldn't." Farmer Brown: "Why wouldn't, I?" Tramp: "if you were as lazy as me you wouldn't have a barn!"

thi courting?" "Aw reet," said Bill; "but theatres and such like costs a Dit too much." "Ah! tha wants to do th' same

as me," advised the first speaker; "meet her inside."

Madeline, trying to snub Alice, who has just told her a humorous story: "But, my dear, that's an awfully old joke!" Alice; "Is it really, dear? Well, of course you ought to know I of the jeweller's shop, as the plate-glass window shivered into a million fragments and the ohauffeur and his machine began to nestle behind the counter, "that the taxi cab has come to stay." growing up to face the responsibilities of the world?" "Yes," Mr Bliggins said: "It's a little disappointing to find my boy so big that he is no longer an excuse for my going to the pantomime." Schoolmistress: " You dirty boy ! Why don't you wash your face, and not let it Bhow what you had for breakfast this morning?" Small Boy: "What was it?" Schoolmistress: "Eggs." Small Boy: "Wrong! Eggs was yesterday." Tradesman (who has been at the telephone for a quarter of an hour, to his apprentice) : " Here, William, take the receiver as long as my wife is talking to me. You don't need to make any reply; only when she asks, 'Are you still there, Jamesr say, ' Yes, Amelia, dear.' " One of the diners on board a liner was making no pretence at eating, and the steward, thinking a eulogy of the course was necessary, proceeded to extol it, adding: " This dish is a secret of our chef." "Ah!" replied the passenger, sadly; "but I cannot promise to keep his secret!" —" Did you tell that awful bore who called that I had gone on the Continent?' "Yes, sir," said the new office boy; "I told him you ttarted this morning." "Good boy What did he say?" "He wished to know when you'd return, sir, and I told him I did not think you would be back until after lunch " "Where did you get that beautiful clock?" "I bought it at the Christmas fair; but I wish I hadn't." "Why? What's_ wrong with it?" "Well, for one thing, it's supposed to strike every quarter of an hour." "Doesn't it?" "Oh, ves; but you have to wind it every fifteen minutes." Commandmg Officer (during sham battle): " Your company is to charge across that field and attack the enemy beyond." Captain: " But, I say, how about tho*e three vicious-locking bulls in that field?" Commanding Officer: "Oh, that has all been provided for in the rules. Those bulls are all supposed to be on your side." Miss Dressup was gloating over a dream of a frock which she had just bought 'Yes," said her friend, "it's a duck! And there is always one good thing about buying a really handsome and expensive dress." " What is that ?" " Why, you have to buy another not quite so good, to save your best one."

Malindy?" "He jes* ain't nothin' else, ma'am. He gwinc to git some new furniture pro vidin' he gits do money; he gwine ■> to git do money providin' he go to work; he go to work providin' do job suits him: I never see such a providin' man in all mah days." A 'friend meeting Pat a couple of - weeks, after the hitter's marriage: "Well, Pat, which of you wears the breeches?" "Begorra, your riverence." replied Pat "Oi think it's half and half." "How is that?" "Well." answered Pat, "Oi go through the legs of them be day an' she goes through the pockets of them be night."

The telephone boll rang, and the great rhysician replied in his usual gentle voice. Then he crashed down the • receiver and sprang up. "Quick! Hand me that satchel!'* he cried. "A man just telephoned me in a dyinc: voice that he couldn't live without me!" "Wait!" declared his wife, who had takon up the receiver. " that- call is for Edith !" —" Now. boy," said the teacher, 'there were two rich men. One of them had made his fortune by honesty and industry, while the other had .ado his by frajd and roguery. Which of these two men would ryou prefer to be?" There was a moment's hesitation, then young Solomon Isaacs's hand we -t up as he quietly inquired, "V'ch made the most?" —'" So that's the oldest inhabitant—one hundred and four years old ?" said a toiu-ist in a village. "No wonder you're proud of him." " I dunno about being proud of him." responded a native; "he ain't done nothin' in this yer place 'cept grow old. and it's took him a long time to do that!" Husband: '"The new cook makes every-

thing too salt. It's terrible." Wife: "Well. she can't help that, poor thing. It isn't her fault that her hands are big." Husband: "What earthly difference oan that make?"

Wife: " That shows how much you know about housekeeping'. The cookery book always measures sp.lt by the pinch/'