FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3292, 18 April 1917, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

—ln the art department a Tew days ago one of the students drew the picture of a hen so life-like that when she threw it in the waste basket it laid there. . Little Girl: " Did you evßr dream of being in heaven?" Little Boy: not exactly. But I dreamed once that I was right in the middle of a big apple dumpling." , , Clerk: "The firemen turned tho hose in our basement, sir, and drenched two piles of that silk dress goods." Merchant: Advertise a' big sale of watered silk right away." , • . Husband: "I don't know how it is, my dear, but it is a fact that the most Insignificant men very often marry the most beautiiul women." Wife: "Oh, you flatterer!" "What a well-informed woman that Mrs Wadleigh is, isn't she?" "Why shouldn't she be? Her cook has worked for nearly everybody in the - neighbourhood." " . She: "You arc quite overburdened with those parcels, dearest. Is there anything I can hold for you?" Ho (snappishly): "Yes. For- heaven's sake hold —your tongue!" every night for a week, and it's putting roses in her cheeks." "Yes, and if jt doesn't put orange blossoms in her hair I'll bo surprised." —Mr Stone: "Is Miss Sugar at homo?" Servant: "No, sir." Mr Stone: "Please tell her that I called. Now don't forget, will you?" Servant: "No, sir. I'll go and toll her this minuto."

Artist: "Dobbins, the critic, has roasted my pictures unmercifully." His Friend : " Don't mind that fellow. He has no ideas of his own; he repeats like a parrot only what all the others say." Lawyer: "You say you told the cook to get out of the house the minute you found it was on fire, and she refused to go?" Mrs Burns: "Yes; she said she must have a month's notice before she left!"

Bunker: "I think I'm improving at golf, although my score doesn't show it." Stymcy: "What makes you think so, then?" Bunker: "I sometimes play a round without losing more than two balls." Little Edna: "Oh, look at the cows!" Small Nellie: "Why, they're not cows; they are only calves." Little Edna: "But what's the difference?" Small Nellie: li Cows give beef and calves give veal cutlets."

—"I have often stood in a slaughterhouse," observed the man from Chicago, " while the butchers were killing hogs on all sides of me." "Oh!" exclaimed the tender-hearted girl, " weren't you dreadfully afraid?" Brinker: "Yes, your wife's clothes have cost me a good bit of money." Tinker: "My wife's clothes! What do you mean?". Brinker: "Why, every time your wife gets a, new gown, my wife must have one just as expensive." Coal Merchant: "I hope you try to Eush business, John, even after office ours." His Clerk: "I do so. J call upon a different girl every night, and never leave before twelve o'clock, and have a big fire going all the time." Mrs Wickwire: "If woman was given the credit she deserves, I don't think man would be quite so prominent in the world's history." Mr Wickwire: " I guess you axe right. If she could get all the- credit she wanted, he'd be in the poorhou.se." Lover: "Do you think you love mo well enough to be my wife?" The Darling: "Yes George." Lover: "Well, I only asked to discover how you felt ■on the subject, so in case I ever should want to marry I would know where to come." . —Customer: "Waiter, this bulloc's's heart is very badly cooked." Waiter: "Well, sir, the fact is the chef's been crossed in love, and whenever he has anything to do with a heart it so upsets him that he doesn't know what he's a- doin' of!" "One wife too many!'' exclaimed Mrs Wederly, as sihe glanced at the headlines of her husband's paper. " I suppose that is an account of the doings of some bigamist'?" " Not necessarily, my dear," replied her husband, without daring to look up.

—' No, mum," said the wounded man regretfully, "I never shot a German, an' I had a good chanst, too. The 'Uns was chargin' in close order. 'Shoot at will!' shouted our captain. 'Which is Will?' I asks; an' before anyone could tell me I got it in the chest." The young doctor and his friend were sitting at the club window when a richlydressed woman passed. " There goes the only woman I ever loved," sighed the young M.D. "So?" queried the other. 'Then why don't you marry her?" "Can't afford it; she's my best patient." . "Well, Joe, your father's a man the village may well be proud of. Ninety years old and still able to plough!" "Ay, parson but the old man's been complainin' the last few months." "I'm sorry to hear that. What'e the matter with him?" "I dun-no. Sometimes I think farmin' don't agree with him."

The very stout man stood gazing longingly at tho nice things displayed in a haberdasher's window at sale time. A friend stopped to inquire if ho was thinkS. ing of buying shirts or pyjamas. "Gosh, no!" replied the fat man wistfully. "The only thing that fits me ready-made is a handkerchief." A little anecdote illustrating the spirit of France is told by a war correspondent. Two French Poilus were talking in a front trench. "Tho seat of mv trousers is torn," remarked a Poilu-j "I'm quite unpresentable." "Oh!" said another, "that makes no difference among friends, and your enemies will never see it." Benevolent Gentleman (to poor blind man): "Poor man, how do you tell when it is time for vou to grope your way homo?" Poor Blind Man: "By tho heat of tho sun, kind sir." Benevolent Gentleman : " But suppose tho sun is- under a cloud?" Poor Blind Man: "I sneak behind that bush and have a peep at my ticker."

A little boy wanted to give his mother a birthday present., and lie did not know what to give her. so at last ho decided to give her a Bible. After he • had bought it he did not know what to put on the front page, so, after looking through some of the books in the library, he decided to put the following on: —"To dear mother, with the author's compliments." from the front that the eoklier with two broken ribs was sitting up and smoking a cigar, when the doctor came in. ■'Well, how are you fooling now?" asked the latter. "I've had a stitch in my side all day,"_i-eplied the wounded soldier. "That's all right," said the doctor. "It shows Jhat tho bones aro knitting."