FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3277, 3 January 1917, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

First Shopgirl: " Miss Stanford is leaving t" Second Shopgirl: "Is she leaving for good?" First Shopgirl: "No; fcr better or worse !" . There are two kinds of women in this work!. One kind sits and sighs silently aoout her wrongs, and the other storms and raves about her rights! First Butler: "Why are you leaving.' Departing Butler: "The mistress talks to mo as though I was 'or 'usband, and a man must keep his self-respect." Little Gertie: "O-o-o-oh! I b-b-roke a plate!" .Mother: "I can't bo disturbed just now. Run and ask daddy if noli bo kind enough to whip you for mc. _ "Smitn is having the interior of Ins new house decorated with a rather ornate frieze." "That's appropriate; he made nis money in the ice business, you know. A Refuge.—Disconsolate One: What is there left for a young man to do after he has spent his patrimony? Cheery Friend: "Mc might try matrimony! to her that you were unworthy of f her? That always makes a hit with them. I was going to, but she told it to me nrst. I've seen vour face somewhere eke." Solipossessed Female: " I shouldn't wonder. This isn't the nrst time I've taken it. out. Examining Medical Officer (to new recruit): "Got any scars on you?" New Recruit (under a misapprehension): "No, sir; but you're welcome to my packet of fags. Nephew: "I tried to get a rise today, aunt, but the boss refused it." Mrs Blurderby: "Too bad, Dickey. Perhaps you didn't approach him at the zoological moment." , . She: "No, Jack; I fear wo could never be happy. You know I always want my own way in everything." He: " But, darling, you could go on wanting afetr wo were married !" Girl: "I want to take a few lessons in drowning." Swimming Instructor: "Drowning*" Girl: " Yes ; there are one or two handsome, men at the hotel I would like to have rescue mc." Bald-headed Gentleman (having his boots polished): " Confound it, you take an abominably long time about it. Shoeblack: "Yes, sir; it' ain't clone so quick as when you 'as your 'air cut." First Office Boy: " Wotcher doin lookin' at the office wot fired you last week? Tryin' to git took back?" Second Office Boy: " Naw; I jes' dropped roun to see if they wuz still in bizness!" a ladv visiting in the suburbs. ' Sure she's in," was the grumpy reply. " D'you 'spose I'd bo working in the garden if she was away anywhere?" Skipper of Tramp (having lost his bearings on a dark, stormy night, and tryinf to get his position on an old chart): "If that's Cardiff, Bill, we're orl right, but if it's a fly-spot, 'eaven 'elp us.' , The governess was giving Tommy nis grammar lesson. "An abstract noun," she explained, " is the name of something you cannot touch. Can you give me an example?" Tommy: "A red-hot poker.' Willy: "Say, George, what's a 'glimmer girl'?" George: "A ' summer girl' is a rack to stretch blouses on; inside _is a receptacle for lobster salad and ice cream; while outside is an attachment for diamond rings." —"I bay, Sandy," said Jock, handing back his friend's photograph, "when yo had those photos taken, why didna yo smile?" "And those pictures costing mo twa dollars a dozen!" replied Sandy. "Are ye crazy, man?" Minister: "Why don't you get a wife, Sandy?" Randy: "I micht get a bad ane." "Trust to Providence, and you'll bo all right." " I'm nae so sure, minister; for, ye ken. Providence has to dispose of the bad as well as the guid." A school teacher recently asked her pupils to write a sentence illustrating tho use of tho word " heroes." Little Willie handed in tho following sentence:—"A man sat down on a chair; there was a tack »n the chair. He rose." Lady Visitor: "How long are you in for, my poor man?" Prisoner: " Dunno, ma'am." Lady Visitor: "How can that be? You must have boon sentenced for a definite period." Prisoner: "No, ma'am Mine was a life sentence." First Lady: "Well. Mrs 'Opkins, I see as 'ow they've roped her ol' man in <it larst. Wot 'ave they put 'im in?" Second Lady: "I don't know exactly wot 'o's in, but as far as I could make out 'o's to bo a garrison beauty at homo." Magistrate (examining a witness): "You admit you overheard the quarrel between the defendant and his wife?" Witness: "Yip. sor, I do." Magistrate: "Tell tho court, if you can. what ho seemed to bo doing." Witness: "He seemed to be doin' tho listenin' !" Mother (grabbing Willie bv the- back of the neck): "Why. Willie! Striking your little sister?" Willie: "Auntie made rre!" Maiden Aunt: "Oh, Willie! I s.-.id if von did strike her I would never kiss yoii again." Willie (doggedly): "Well. I couldn'i lot a chance like that slip." stable?" asked the magistrate. "In Trafalgar square, sir," was the reply. " And what made you think he was intoxicated?" "Well, sir, he was throwing his walking fttick into the basin of the fountain and trying to entice one of the stone lions to go Rnd fetch it out agtfin." —Grubb: "I hoar that your last novel has idready appeared in ifs sixth edition. How did jon manage to become so phenomenally popular?" Sonihb: "Very simply. I put a 'personal' in tho papers saying that T was looking for a wife who is something like tho heroine of my novel. Within two days the nrst edition was sold out." -- ETnvo you over noticed that the letters in "Kaiser Wilholm v count thirteen? Also the names of the Kaiser's dupes each cenfain thirteen letters. Thus: Francis Jcsenh. Czar Ferdinand. and Sultan Mehmod V. Those of his heroes have likewise thirteen letters—von Hind<'nl-ur.g, von Falkonlnyn. and Count Zeppelin. A clerical-looking man. bearing an armful of tracts, recently visited an office with n view to seeking out unregenerate oncst. To one clerk he put this question. "What is your pursuit iu life?"- "That," said tho clerk, "depends upon whether T am coming or goinc. It's the 8.15 in the morning and the 5.30 (rain in the evening." Tho visitor was boinnr entertained by little Tommy. "Mv father's a mounted policeman," said the little man. with an air of pride. " Indeed." smiled the visitor. " Is that much better than being one of tho policemen who walk?" "Course it is!" snortod Tommy, with much contempt at the lady's ignorance. " Why, if there's any trouble ho can got away so much quicker."