FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3275, 20 December 1916, Page 54

FUN AND FANCY.

the: "What do you think of our scheme for Christmas decoration--hoily leaves over laurel.'" "Ho: "Well, I should rather prefer mistletoe over yew." Mrs Shiftless: '-There! I've hung up the children's stockings! T wonder what Santa Chins will bring?" Candid Neighbour: "Well, if he's at all observing hell bring some darning cotton and needles! Miss Harcourt: "So you danced with Miss Mantleson at the Christmas party? Mr Longby: "Yes. Did she tell you.' Miss Harcourt: "Oh, no! But I saw her going into a chiropodist's this morning! Mrs Coodwun: "I wish to select a Cfiristmas present for my husband, and 1 can't think of anything. He doesn t smoke nor drink, nor go out at night, nor play cards." The Salesperson: "Is he fond of fancy work?" . Robert was home from college for the Christmas holidays and had just left his father and a neighbour. "Your son, said the neighbour, "is pursuing his studies at college, isn't he?" "I guess > so, said the father; "he's always behind." ; "You have no children?' Aone. "Christmas doesn't mean much to a man without children." "Oh, wo have a family pet. It's our motor car. I am going represent it with new tyres throughout, and my wife is going to buy it a new windshield." ~,,-,,, sighed the fair maiden. "He returned my pathetic little Christmas story without even readin" it." "How do you know?" asked her friend. "Why, I looked all through the manuscript, and there isn't a singie teardrop anywhere—not one." A party of local musicians were out "busking" one Christmas Eve, and their music was not such as. would "soothe the savage breast." They were about to» commence playing in one of the streets when an elderly dame came out, and handing them twopence, jocularly remarked: ' You need not bother to play. I heard you m the next street." . Bachelorboy went out to enjoy his Christmas dinner at a favourite restaurant. Now, Bachelorboy doesn't take soup, and to his exasperation throe different waiters in rapid succession set plates of soup before him. At last he asked with heavy sarcasm: ."Is it compulsory, this soup of yours? "No, sir," answered the waiter respectfully, "it's mock turtle." . Jackie's aunt, on a visit at Christmas, had admonished him over s6me trick he had just played upon her. "Never mind. Jack," remarked his sister later. I don t think she'll stay much longer; she didnt bring anv luggage with her." Jackie was dubious, " however. "I don't know that much." he replied. "Look how that baby is staying on, and he didn't bring any with Tommy had been talking much about the things he was going to get at Christmas, so his father reminded him that it is "more blessed to give than to receive. Accordingly, the father was surprised to see over the little fellow's stocking on Christmas Eve this message in a round, childish hand: "Dear Santa,— Papa says it is more blessed to give than to receive, so don t stint yourself in giving." One Christmas Day a certain citizen was invited to dinner at the house of one of the leading men in the town. At the dinner-table he was placed opposite a goose. The lady of the house was placed on tho visitor's left. Seeing the goose, he remarked : "Shall I sit so close to the goose? Finding the words a bit equivocal, he turned round to the lady and said in an apologetic tone: "Excuse me, I mean tho roasted one !" A merry company wore assembled at the Christmas dinner-table, and all enjoyed the foast of good things provided by. the genial hostess. One of the guests, in a jocular mariner, asked little Tommy, the son of the hostess, where turkeys came from. "Dunno," he answered; "but I can toll you where this one came from" (pointing to the one on the table). " Ma got it from a tramp for ono-and-sixpence, 'cause the man said he stole it. Didn't he, ma?" man was on his usual round, wishing his tho "Compliments of the season," hoping, of course, to extract a Christmasbox He came to one house, and on the door being opened he wished the lady the usual compliments, at the same time adding: "I'm tho man that empties the dustbin." But + he good housewife was not to be "had." "Thank you, same to you," was her reply; "and I'm the lady that fills it." A squire was in the habit of sending a turkey every Christmas to an old lady, but this year he sent a cheque for her to get it at" the poulterer's. The old dame didn't understand, so she said to the boy who brought it, indignantly., "Take it back to the squire, with my compliments, and ask him dors he think I've got the. constitution of an ostrich. Last year it was a leather turkey, this year a paper one. I suppose next year it will be a cast-iron one." . . Ex-President Roosevelt. whose_ stirring speeches on the German barbarities have caused such interest in America lately, re lated the followin<?hunting story at a dinner the other dav. "A follow called Smith, he said, "had a narrow escape from being killed by a lion in Nairobi. ' When the lion closed its jaws on you,' asked a friend in awestruck tones, 'did you give yourself up as lost?' ' Oh, no,' answered Smith, calmly. ' You see, when I'm at home I sleep "in a folding bed!'" Young Wife: "Oh, Edward, you do believe that I am always thinking: of economy, don't you?" Young Husband: "Mabel, Your shilling' telegram this afternoon, telling me where to go and »ave sevenpenco on a carpet broom warns me that von are thinking of it too much. "Thomas," said mother severely, "someone has taken a big piece of £««««; bread out of the pantry." Tommy blushed guiltily. " Oh, Thomas!" she exclaimed, I didn't think it was in you." "It ain't all," replied Tommy; " part of it's in Elsie. At a certain church it is the invariable custom of the clergyman to kiss the bride after the ceremony. A young woman who was about to bo married in this church did not rebsh the prospect, and instructed her prospective husband to tell the clergyman that she did not wish him to kiss her. The briderrroom obeyed the instructions given. "Well, Harry," said the young woman, when he appeared, you toll tho minister that I did not- wish him to kis<s mo?" "Yes." "And what did he say?" "He said that, in that case, ho would charge only half the usual foe." _ Dick and Jimmy were spending a few days with their grandmother, who spoils them, as grandmothers will. One night they were saying their prayers, and little Jimmy vociferated his petitions to tho Heavenly Throno in a voice that could

be heard a mile away. Ho was telling the Divine Providence what ho wanted for Christmas, and his enthusiasm in the cause got on his brother's nerves. "What are you praying for Christmas presents so loud for?" interrupted Dick. ••The Lord ain't deaf." "No, ' whispered Jimmy, "but grandma is." A farmer who had had most 01 his men join the army, arranged with one oi them to get his young nephew from London to come and work on the farm during the war. On the boy's arrival he sent him out to the whcatrield to see if there were any crows among the wheat. The-boy came hack. " Well, did you see any crows there?" " Yes. I should think there was nearly forty." "Did you drive 'em away?" "Noi" said the boy, "I thought they belonged to you." —lt was Christmas Eve, but that hardly seemed to- account for the proprietor of the china shop giving the thin, red-faced girl half a sovereign. Nevertheless, tho girl didn't seem satisfied. "Is that all?" she asked. "During tho year ain't I tumbled downstairs four times with trays full of crockery, broken thirty-five tumblers, twenty-six cups, nine meat-platters, twentyfour saucers, seventeen plates, and three of tlfc best soup tureens?" "There, there," said the china merchant soothingly. "Here's another five shillings for you. And don't forget me, you know," he ended, with a wink.

a novelist who has recently been to America, " hears somo absurd, ridiculous, and inept remark there. You stand and gaze at tho falls, profoundly moved, and then, of a sudden, something is said, and the effect of all the grandeur goes for ever "The day I first saw Niagara a man touched my arm as I looked up at those white waters. I turned to him. He had the smile of the confirmed joker. ' It scorns a shame,' ho said, 'to see all this going to waste.' 'What are you?' I said. 'An electrical engineer?' 'No," he answered-, ' a milkman.' "

During Christmas Eve tho young married woman sat staring dolefullv at the embers of tho fire. "Christmas Eve,"Hshe murmured, "and no money to buy baby a Christmas gift." Slowly her eyes wandered round tho room until, with a guilty start, they rested on baby's money-box. "If I only dared," she said; "but what would John say?" For a few moments s v ' stood debating the awful question in hoi mind. "John need never know," she murmured. Then, with a guilty face, she broke open the box, and emptied upon the table a collection of tin-tacks, nails, and buttons. John had been there first. Bill had been invited to a dinner at Christmas. Swelling with pride, he took his only son Jackie with him. Jackie took his seat at the table with his father—slightly awestruck at tho imposing collection of aunts and uncles. Then his attention bocame fixed on tho ancient relative who was carving an enormous turkey, and his mouth watered as he saw the big helpings being handed around. But the carver, who did not know much about little boys, cut off a tiny portion for Jackie. "Is that the part of the turkey you like, my little man?" he asked, handing him the plate. Jack looked at it, and handed it back. "Yis," he said, "Aa'll hcv some o' that, please!"