FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3265, 11 October 1916, Page 51

FUN AND FANCY.

Ned: "I was just introduced to Miss Petite. There's a woman for you!" 'Jed: " Not for me —I've asked her!" Magistrate: "I hope I shalf not see you here again." Hard Case: " Not see me hero again 1 Why, you ain't going to resign, are you?" "When Blank gets through dinner he never tips the waiter." " That's bravery. ' " But you don't catch him going to the eamo table the next day." "That s discretion." with a man is to give him plenty of nicelycooked food." "Well," answered Mr Sinus Barker, irritably, "why don't some of them try it? ' Workman (wanting to borrow a measure): " Have you a two-foot rule in the" house?" Maid: "Yes; it's to wipe all the mud off them before you come into tho kitchen." , .. "Are you in society?" About half in." "What do you mean by that?' Im always invited to society entertainments given to raise money for charity, and that s about all." . . . "Would you die for me?' she asked, sentimentally. " Now, look here, ho re turned in his matter-of-fact way, are we supposed to bo planning a cheap novel or a wedding?" „ ~ . Husband: "Didn't I tell you that was a secret, and you were not to tell it to anyone?" Wife: " You told me it was a secret, but you did not say I was not to tell it to anyone." "Tess! What do you suppose? A strange man tried to kiss, me!" Jess cried excitedly. "How interesting! He must have been a very strange man, dear, less sweetly replied. .. . —" My uncle died yesterday,, sir, and 1 went you to officiate at tho funeral, Can you sav something nice about him? Bui I didn't know him/' "Good!! you re just the man I want." Village Grocer: "What are you ranm'ng for, sonny?" Boy: "I'm tryin to keep two fellers from fightm . Village Grocer: " Who are the fellows? Boy: "Bill Perkins and me." Hyker: " Why did you give up smoking?" Pyker: "In order to marryia rich widow." Hyker: "I fail to see tho connection." Pyker: "She-refused to give up her weeds unless I would give up mine. A man applied at the factory for a job. Amongst other questions the foreman asked him why he left his last place. 'Well," be replied, "they asked me to please leave, and I didn't like to refuse them." . . • Professor (lecturing on tha rhinoceros): " I must beg you to give your undivided attention. It is absolutely impossible that you can form a true idea of this hideous animal unless you keep your eyes fixed on mo." - ■ he asked. ' " I should say not!" she indignantly replied. " I never have been familiar' with any young man in my life, and I don't even know this person you speak of." ' , . , First Boarder: " I'll bet the new arrival is or has been, an actor." Second Boarder: "What makes you think so?" First Boarder: "Haven't you noticed the way he ducks his head when asked if he will have an egg?" She: "You remember what you promised before we were married? You Gaid you would make every effort to make yourself worthy of me." He: "Yes; and the result was'that I overdid it, and made myself better than you deserve." bills are to be paid," said Mr Hardup to his wife. " Well, Henry," said she, as she pulled out a coloured one and laid it on the pile, " you will bo if you don't pay that one, for it's the gas bill." idler around hero again I'll break his head." Sweet Daughter: "But he's not an idler, father; he's a prize-fighter." Irate Father: " Oh, well, then, of course, I will have to treat him as a friend of yours."

was Misair. He smoked his cigars to the la3t half-inch, chewod the stumps, and used the ashes for snuff. Then he wasn't satisfied, and gave up smoking." "What for?" "He couldn't think of any way of utilising the smoke."

—An old couple from the country wandered into a moving picture show in the city. As they entered a cowboy picture was being run, and the old lady remarked to her spouse: "Bill; let's rot go too far down in front; the dust theso horses are kickin' up is pretty thick." Mrs Nexdoor: "How is old Mr Moncy-b-ggs this moraing?" Mr 6 Sharpeye :■ "I haven't heard; but I noticed that Dr Bigfee looked very gloomy when he left the Moneybaggs' residence a little while ago'' Mrs Nexdoor: "Ah! then the dear old gentleman is getting better."_ Nervous Old Gent (engaging a chauffeur): "I think you might suit me if you can got a good reference from your last employer." Applicant: "I can't, sir, because he's dead. Yer sec', sir, he had a rather weak neck, and it got broke in a little accident wot wo had!" 'Tom," said a rector to a lad who was picking mushrooms in the rectory fields, '"beware of picking a toadstool instead of a mushroom; they are easy to confuse.'' "That, be all might, sur. that be!" said the urchin; 'us hain't a goin' to eat 'cm ourselves- they're goin' to market." The Old Married One: "You will learn, my dear, that men are most contrary creatures.." The Young Married One: "Oh. I know that already." The Old Married One: "Indeed?'' The Young Married One: ''Yes, I cook tilings my husband likes, and yet he doesn't like the things I cook." Minister 'who has surprised M'Dougal writing a betting flip) : ." M'Dougal, 1 am versa surprised at ye. Ye know it is av.fu' sinful to gamble, don't ye?" M'Dougal: "Wcel, rr.oonister, I must either gamble or drink. Yo know the proverb Bays, 'Of twa evils, choose the least.' It wadna bo oarryin' it oof. to choose neither." Through the shrubbery Marcus Pelf, the- wealthy rejected suitor, watched Harry Harrison, the village blacksmith, clasp Ruth Roberts in his strong, young arms. "Curse 'em !" he hissed. " I'll have my revenge i I'll buy 'cm an automobile- for a wedding present, and then look on gloatingly while they mortgage the blacksmith shop to buy gasoline!" travel?" asked the old lady. " I hardly think sae, mem," replied Andra'. "Ye see," ho continued, giving it a furious bang, " it'll get that at Kilmarnock, an' this at Glesca, and," with a bang that strewed its contents on the plaifform. "that at-Paisley, an' if ye intend to travel ony farther than Paisley it winna dae."

"My dear,'' said Mr Hawkins to his better half the other evening, "do you know that you have one of tho best voices in the world?" "Indeed!" replied the delighted Mrs Hawkins, with a flush of pride at the compliment. "Do you really think so?" "I certainly do," continued tho heartless- husband, "otherwise it would have been v orn out long ago." ( The sympathetic neighbour asked, ' Is your little brother ill this morning, Johnnie? I heard him crying in the most heartrending manner." " No, not exactly," Johnnie explained, " but Willie pulled down a jug of molasses on himself in the pantry, and mother has been trying to comb his hair."

An inspector, explaining to a class that the land of the world was not continuous, said to the boy who happened to be stand ing nearest to him: "Now, could your father walk round the world?" " No, sir, was tho prompt reply. "Why not?" "Because he's broken his leg," was the altogether unlooked-fdr response.