FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3250, 28 June 1916, Page 57

FUN AND FANCY.

She: "When you married me you didn't marry a cook, I want you to understand." Ho (sadly): "I know it." Friend: "I presume you soon found that all was not gold that glittered !*' Returned Klondiker (hoarsely): "Yes. Most of it was ice." . "Why, do you want to get married/ aeked the colonel. "Oh, heredity has something to do with it, I suppose," replied the gentleman in khaki. "When you didn't have your fare did the conductor mako you get off and walk?' "Only get off. He didn't care whether I walked or sat down." "The trams haven't been eo crowded lately as usual." "That so?" "Oh, yes. Why, coming to tewn this morning I had only one person on each foot!" of her slothful lodger's room, "Is it dead or alive ye are, Mister Maloney?" Maloney (from within): "Nayther; I'm slapui' !" Aspirant: "There, professor, you have heard mv voice. Now, please tell me candidly what branch of vocalism it is best adapted for." Professor: " Well—cheer ing

"When Dick is bad we send him to bed at dark." " Docs he make any violent objections?" "No; you see—we arc so fond of him that we generally go with him."

melanchoiv recruit in hut 99, " everybody said I had a great future before me." " And now?" asked a comrade. " I've got it yet." —"I suppose," said the cynical bacholcr to the young bride, " that your husband'.love is fierv hot." "Well," admitted the bride, "'taint so hot that it will kindle the morning fire." The Mistress: "Well, Mary, I hope you will like your new place; I don't think you will find "me hard to please." Mary: "Oh, ho, madam; I was sure of that when I saw the master." a social favourite," said Mrs Jenks. ".She doesn't sing or play, or even recite." "Well," returned Mr Jenks, "probably that's the reason." First Sailor: "So you lost your wife last month Wasn't it a terrible blow?" Second Sailor: "It wor a reg'lar tornado. She cleaned out everything in the house before she eloped." Fitznoodle (to gamekeeper):" When I was in Australia I shot the biggest kangaroo the natives said, they ever saw!" Gamekeeper: " Hindeed, sir! What was you a-haimin' at?" ■ —"A woman who went shopping twenty years ago has just returned home," read Mrs Bellingham in the paper. "It took a very long time to match that ribbon," commented Mr I^ellinghnm. Mother: "ijpdn't I tell you not to touch the preserves without my permission?" Son: 'Yes, mother." "Then why didn't you come to me and ask me?" "Because I wanted eome." •wife almost insisted last night upon my taking her to some play." "But you didn't?" "Oh, no! Why, I've seen everything there is on just now." "Ladies and gentlemen," said the magician, "I will now turn a bottle of beer into a pewter mug." Which he did. and great was the envy among the audience as he o.uaffed the amber fluid. "Did you use that money you put by for a rainy day in the way you intended'/" '' Not exactly. But I came as near using it that way as I could. I bought watered stock with it."

Sergeant (on billeting rounds): " I want to see the head of the family." Irish Domestic: " Yis, sorr. Jist shtep into the library, an' ye'll see it on the table. They say it riprisints the great Giniral Shakespeare!" "Maizic married an actor because hemade such romantic love on the stage." "Yes, I know. Is she happy?" "Not very. She says every time he kisses her he "seems disappointed because there's nobody to applaud him." said young Mrs Torkins. "Everything m the refrigerator appears to' be spoiled," commented her husband. " Its the iceman's fault. He will bring round artificial ice, and I can't tell it from the genuine."

Little' Girl: "Excuse me, sir, but have you dropped any money':" Gent (feeling in pocket): "By Jove, lassie, I have. There's a hole in my pocket. I thought I heard something chink. Little Girl: ' That settles it. It's a pound note I've found!"

Eiley: "So Casey was killed intirely by th' explosion. Who broke the news to the widely?" Rconcy : "'Twas big Tim Houlihan as did it." Riley: " Did he do it gintly and by degraysf" Rooney : "Troth, he did, thin. He begun by askin' her to marry him." Mrs Noovo-Rcesh: "Wo went to the matinee at that new theatre that's just been opened the other day." Her Companion : " Indeed; and what do you think of its acoustic properties?" Mrs NoovoRecsh: " Well, you know, I thought they were a trifle gaudy myself." —"I say, Slim is about to retire from business." said one man to another. "He's a capital chap, and well deserves a rest. Pie's going to devote the remainder of his life to doing good." " Really ?" asked the other, with a humorous twinkle in his eye. "And who is he—Good, I mean?"

Prison Visitor: "And what brought yon here, my poor man?" Convict: "Havin' too much time on me hands." Visitor: "Ah! idleness is indeed the parent of crime." Convict: " That ain't it, tir. I was caught with three watches in me pocket that I couldn't account for." For nearly an hour the salesman had been dilating on the marvels of the motor car he was trying to sell. " And the price of the car is one hundred and fifty pounds,'' the customer murmured, thoughtfully. "Docs that include everything?" "Yes — oh, no; of course, the lamps are extra." "Lamps extra!" said the customer, sharply. "But they are shown in the illustration." "My dear sir. en is a very beautiful Yvcmnn,''' said the salesman smoothly, "but we do not give a lady with every car !" Tt was at n civic banquet in a certain Scottish city, the name of which is immaterial. The "spread" was a most luxurious one. In the graphic words of the local newspaper reporter, " The table groaned under its delicious burden." During the repast one of the waiters who was serving the wine approached one of the latest accessions to the town council, and inquired: " Sauterne. sir?" " Saut herrin', did ye say?" remarked the newly-fledged councillor. 'Na. na, nane o' yer saut hei-rin' for me. I've nae need for them. I've ower guid a natural drooth o' my ain."