FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3245, 24 May 1916, Page 57

FUN AND FANCY.

by coming home at this time of night, sir?" Festive Husband: 'Every othor place was shut up. my love."' Judge (to prisoner): "How big was the stone you threw? Was it as big as my head?" Prisoner (smiling): "Yes, your Honor, but not so thick." Nodd: "I think that doctor of mine will give us something to stop the baby's crying now." Todd: "Why?" Nodd: "I'm going to move next door to him." "So you're convinced that your novel is quite hopeless?" "Absolutely," replied the young author. 'I couldn't even it after I had changed it into a war story." "There's some good stuff in that young brother of yours, Ethel." "I should say there is! He's iust finished eating that two-pound box of chocolates you bought me." Wifey: "I see by this paper that in Suinatri a wife can bo bought for 12s. Isn't it perfectly awful?" "Hubby: "Oh, I dont know. A really good wife would be worth that!" your lover a Docket ecmb on his birthday i He's as bald" as a billiard ball!" "That's just it! I want him to think that I haven t noticed it." Waiter (to bridegroom): "Will you have Erench bread, sir?" Young Bride (to husband): "Take ordinary household bread, John. French bread must be stale before it gets here." —Mr Smart: "Oh, Miss Wixon, were getting up a raffle for a poor sailor. Won't you help us by taking a ticket?" Miss Wixon : "But I shouldn't know what to do with a poor sailor if I won him." ;> "Did you see my sunburst last night?' inquired the pompoiis Mrs Newrich of her poorer neighbour. "No, I didn't," said the neighbour caustically; "but I certainly thought he would if he ate another bite." "Now, friends," said the old Scotch clergyman one Sunday morning, "the kirk is in sair need o' siller, and, as we hatfailed, to get the money honestly, we will nae hae to see what a bazaar will dae for us." "Happiness," declaimed the philosopher pompously, "is only the pursuit of something, not the catching of it." "Oh, I don't know," answered the plain citizen. "Have you ever chased the last car on a rainy day?" The physics instructor in a high school was teaching a German girl, whose vocabulary was not very extensive. "What is a vacuum?" be asked. "I have it in my head, but I can't express it," was the reply. "That's the girl who broke my poor brother's heart." "Really! how did she do that?" "/Well, he was engaged to her for three years, and the very day after he broke the engagement off she had a fortune left to her/ "Now, Robert," said his teacher, "if your mother gave you two apples and your brother gave you "three more, how many would you have?" "I'd have two good apples and three wormy ones," was Robert's prompt reply. Gentleman: "And remember, James, there are two things I must insist upon — truthfulness and obedience." Footman: "Yes, sir. And when you tell me to tell the visitors you're out when you're in, which shall it be, sir?" Tommy: "I say, mother, didn't father say that hard work was good and noble?'' Mother: "Yes, dear; why do you ask?" "Because I was just wondering why he pays a man to cut the grass while he sits in the house watching him!" Teacher: "Tommy! Just look at your filthv hands and face. I wonder what you would say if I came to school with hands and face like that?" Well-mannered Tommy : "Well, sir, to tell you the truth, I would be too polite to mention it." Old Gent (engaging lady chaffeur) • "Have you any reference from your last employer?" Lady: "No, sir; but I could get one in a month or two." Old, Gent.: "But why delay?" Lady: "Well, you see, sir, he's in the hospital at present." said Johnnie pensively, as he sat in ■ the corner doing penance. "And who was that?" asked mamma. "Papa—when ho was little," was the answer. And silence reigned for the space of five minutes. _ father of the college student, shaking hands warmly with the professor. "My son took algebra from you iasl year, you know." "Pardon me," said the professor; "he was exposed to it, but he did not take it." Her Ladyship: "Have you given Fido his soup?" Buttons: "Yes, 'um." "And his omelette?" "Yes, 'um," "And his cutlet?" "Yes, 'um." "And his jelly?" "Yes, 'um." Her Ladyship: "Then you may have some bread and cheese and go to bed." Recently teacher was examining the class in physiology. "And now, Mary," she asked, "can you tell us what is the principal function of the stomach?" "Yetb, ma'am,'' answered Mary. "The principal function of the stomach ith to hold up the petticoats." Terrific, tumultuous noises inside the room. Outside, little Johnny listening, spellbound. Next scene: Little Johnny asking his mother the meaning of the terrific, tumultuous noi3oS. "Hush, my small son," says mother. "Pa's trying to save the price of a shave." One of the members of the camping party was shaving himself outside the tent one summer morning, it being both hot and dark inside. A fellow camper, strolling by, romarked: "I see you are shaving on the outsido this morning." "Naturally I am 1" was the truculent arswer. "You don't think I'm fur-lined, do you?" A boy wanted a dog, and the rich uncle said: "Well, Eddie, suppose I give you two hundred dollars for a dog. Would you spend that whole sum in one dog, or would you buy a pretty good dog and put the rest of the money in the savings bank?" "Well, uncle," replied Eddie, "if you leave it to me I would buy two hundred ono dollar dogs." "My son," said the elderly millionaire at the close of a heart-to-heart talk on the subject of extravagance, "when I was your age I carried water for a gang of section hands.'" "Fine for you, dad!" answered the gilded youth. "I am proud of you. If It hadn't been for your pluck and perseverance I might have had to do something of the sort myself." The minister was hard at work repairing the fence of his chicken yard. Noticing tho oarefui attention given to the work by a email son of his next-door neighbour, the clergyman asked kindly i "Are you getting some points on carpentry Elarold?' »ir,'' said Harold. "I'm jus* a i-itin' to hear what a preaehjr says w'en ho r his thumb wit' de haxraner.'-

"Say, Jim," said the friend of the taxicab driver, standing in front of the vehicle, "there's a purse lying on the floor of your car." The driver looked carefully around and then whispered: "Sometimes when business is bad, I put it there and ? leave tho door open. It's empty, but you've no idea how many people'll jump in for a short drive when they see it." Far out from the village, in the middle of a lonelv moor, a wayfarer was stopped by a footpad and relieved of his valuables. And all the time the thief and smiled. "W 7 hat are you grinning at?" demanded the victim at last, angered by that smile. "Oh, nothing special," replied the thief lightly. •'lt's only that I'm one of those chaps who can't take things seriously." .