FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3215, 27 October 1915, Page 65

FUN AND FANCY.

- “Wo must have an organ to support us,” said the practical politician. “Just what I was saying to my monkey,” observed the itinerant musician. in the drawing room, Sarah, have you?’ “Yes, mum. Can’t you bear _ water drippin’ on the carpet like any think?” “Of course, Jack, I’m fond of you. Why, haven’t I just danced six times with you?” “I don’t see any proof in that.” ‘‘You would if you only realised how you dance.” She: “This is the fourth time you have proposed to me. How many times do you want me to refuse you?” He: “Personally, I think three times quite sufficient.” Visitor: “What brought you here?” Prisoner: “I owes me downfall to a woman!' Visitor; “How was that, my poor man?” Prisoner: “She yelled for the police.” Tommy: “I want another box of those pills like I got for mother yesterday.” Druggist: “Did your mother say they were good?” Tommy; “No, but they fit my air-gun.” “Don’t I give you all the money you need,” her husband complained. “Yes.” she replied, “but you told l me before we wore married that you would give me all I wanted.” Judge: “What is your name?” Prisoner: “I’ve forgotten the name I gave last night.” Judge: “Didn’t you give your own name?” Prisoner: “No, your worship ; I’m travelling incog. !” Miss Y, ; 'T frankly admit I am looking for a husband.” Mrs G. : “So am I.” Miss Y. ; “But I thought you had one.” Mrs G. : “So I have, and I spend most of my time looking for him.” “Do you keep any servants?” “No. of course not!” “But I thought I saw ono in your kitchen.” “Oh, we have servants on the premises for a day or two at a time, but we don’t keep them.” “My son,” said the good old man, “if you only work hard enough when you undertake a thing you’re bound to be at the top when you've finished.” “But suppose I undertake to dig a well?” and gone to the city to have a larger field for his efforts.” “Yes, and that’s what surprises me. When he was at home a twoacre potato field was too big a field for him !” “What’s the wages, mum?” asked the applicant for a situation as cook. “I’m willing to pay you whatever you arc worth,” was the reply. “I’ve never worked for so little as that, mum. Good day to you.” Sftie: “Is that friend of yours whom you are expecting a tall man?” He: “About six feet two inches. Why do you ask ?” She: “Because in that case I shall have to dust the ornaments on the top shelf.” Occasionally you meet a man with the reputation of having an inexhaustible flow of wit. But if you happen to meet his wife you will notice that she is nearly always a little woman with a tired expression Old Gent; “Where were you born, sonny?” Boy; “In London, sir. ’ Old Gent: “What part?” Boy: “All of me, sir, ’copt my ’air and teeth. They was born in Bristol and Birmingham respectively.” She (during an alarm of burglars in the night): “Can you see them, John?” He: “Yes, it’s all right—they’re just sampling those cigars you gave mo; so in a few minutes I’ll bo able to tackle them easily !” Father; “What did yon and John talk about last night, dear?” Daughter: “Oh. we talked about our kith and kin.” Small Brother; “Yeth, papa; I heard ’em. Ho soth, ’ ‘Kin I hcv a kith?’ and she soth. With, you kin!’” Recruiting Officer: “And now, my lad. just ono more question—are you prepared to die for your country?” Recruit: “No. I ain’t! That ain’t wot I’m j’ining for. I want _to make a few of them German Huns die for theirs!” Jack: “Perhaps you don’t like my style of dancing?” Orme (in distress): “Well, there is rather too much sameness about it.” Jack: “Er—how may I vary it?” Orme : “Suppose you tread on my left foot once in a while.” —Mr Peck: “This phonograph record is filled with a few remarks by Mrs Peck.” Singleton: “It’s wonderful to think that you can hear the voice of one who is not present.” Mr Peck: “And more wonderful that I can stop it just as oasilv.” Bullyrag Lawyer: “Now, I want vou to answer this question very carefully. Was your father (when your mother struck him with a rolling pin) under the influence of drink?” Juvenile Witness; “No. sir; he was under the kitchen table.” “Now,” said the nervous old lady to the druggist, “are you sure you have that medicine mixed right?” “No, ma’am.” said the conscientious apothecary. “I wouldn’t go so far as that, but I’ve got it mixed the wav the doctor ordered it.” Tourist: “How far is it to the village of Slocum?” Native: “Foive mile, sir. But you be walking away from it. Tourist: “But the sign-post directed me this way !” Native: “Ah, yes! But we’ve ’ad all the ejgn-nosts turned round to fool the Zeppelins.” —lt was his first visit to the city. As he stood on the kerbstone shaking his sides with laughter, he was asked : “What’s the fun, sir?” “Fun! Can’t you see it? Just look how that thing” (pointing to a watering cart) “leaks. Why, the idiot won’t have a drop left when he gets home ” Presiding Magistrate; “What is your name?” Dilapidated Female (a frequent visitor at court): “Hangel.” P.M. : “Where do yon come from?” “D.F.: “Heaving.” P.M.: “H’m ! How did you get here?” D.F. : “Just slithered down a rainbow.” P.M.: “Very goodil Three months for skylarking.” —At a village concert the favourite soprano, before she commenced to sing, apologised l for her cold. Then she began: “I’ll hang my .barn on a willow tree-e—----ahum —On a willow treoe-e-e —o-oh ” Her voice broke on the high note each time. “Try ’anging it on a low* branch, miss!” called a voice from tho back of tho hall. Pat and Mike were crossing the river on a ferryboat. They were watching intently a tig dredging barge that was sending its mammoth scoops under tho water and bringing up tons of mnd. “Pat,” says Mike, “wouldn’t ye lolke to bo a-workln’ over there on that mud-digger?” “Yis,” Bays Pat, “but Oi’d bate to h*> wan of the fellers under the wal that's 91Hn up thim shovels.”

Landlord: “Good-morning, sir. I just dropped m to seo if it’s convenient for you to pay the rent.” Tenant: “Glad you called. I want to complain about the doors; none of them will shut.” Landlord* “No w house, you know, sir; takes time to settle.’ 1 Tenant: “Ah, then, I guess 111 follow the house’s example. Good day, sir. Call again.’’ —Mr Bowen was having dinner with the Reillys, and the seven-year-old son of the family was present. “And what are you going to be when you grow up, young man?” asked Mr Bowen, of the little boy. “Well,” replied the boy thoughtfully, “after I’ve been a clergyman to please mother, an’ a judge to please father, I’m going to be a policeman.” A singer who recently passed an evening at the house of a lady stayed late. As ho rose to go the hostess said; “Pray, don’t go yet, Mr Basso; I want you to sing something for mo.” “Oh, you must excuse mo to-night; it is very late, and I should disturb the neighbours.” “Never mind the neighbours,” answered the lady _ quickly; “they poisoned our dog yesterday.”