FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3214, 20 October 1915, Page 65

FUN AND FANCY.

Willie: “Pa, why is the way of the transgressor hard?” Pa; “Because so many people have tramped along it, my sonl” friend in the world.” “So you have been trying to borrow money, too, have you? ’ statements because he’s mendaciously inclined?” “No; he does it because he's a born liar 1” y —He (angrily): “See here, Betty, what do you mean by keeping me waiting hero on the corner looking like a fool?” She: "Now, Tom, I know I kept you waiting, but the rest you did yourself.” bore,. “ what are you doing for your rheumatism now?” “Examining the doctors one after another,” snarled the old codger, “to see how much they don’t know 1” “Do you know the prisoner?” asked his honor of a witness in a northern courtroom. “Know him!” was the response. “ Why, jedge, him an’ me is like brothers; we’ve shared the same ceil many a night.” Mrs Uptown: “I trust that we shall get along very nicely, Nora. I am not at all difficult to suit.” Nora (the new maid) : “No, ma’am; that’s what I thought the minute I set eyes on the master.” Judge: “Why did you strike this man.” Prisoner; “He called me a liar, your honor.” Judge: “That is no excuse.” Prisoner: “ Well, judge, it was rny first experience. What does your honor do in such cases?” Motorist to Friend: “Do you know that to all purchasers of a— — car they are presenting a squirrel?” Friend: “Good gracious! no; what is that for?” Motorist: “ Slo that it can run along behind and pick up the nuts!” ful and selfish!” “How do you know?” “ A married friend of mine told mo so, and warned me against all of them.” “But you’re going to marry Jim!” “Of course I am. He’s different!” on the gallows, “have you anything to say?” “Yas, suh,” said the condemned man. “ I’se got a few words to say. I merely wishes to state dat dis suttinly is goin«- to be a lesson to me.” First Urchin: “Say. Jimmy, wot’s dis strategy t’injr dey talk about?” Second Urchin: “Well, it’s like dis. Supposin’ yer run out of ammunition an’ yer don’t want de enemy ter know it, den it’s strategy ter keep on firin’.” Aunt (who has received a letter from Johnnie’s home); “Oh, Johnnie! your mamma has got two nice new babies.” Johnnie: “That’s just like mamma; she always likes a bargain I suppose by having two she gets them cheaper!” A subaltern sends a good story _ from Belgium. An Irish private asked him to write a letter for him to his wife. This was what ho took down: “ Dear Bridget.— This is a terrible war. I am sending you ten francs, but not this week.” Purchaser (bringing back his purchase) : “ This dog is the most ferocious beast I ever came across, and you said he was as gentle as a woman.” Dealer in Canines: “That’s straight. My wife’s the only woman I know anything aboiit.” The novelist’s small boy had just been brought to judgment for telling a fib. His sobs having died away, ho sat for a time in silent thought. “Pa,” said lie, “how long will it be before I stop gettin’ licked for tellin’ lies an’ begin to get paid for ’em, like you do?” A medical student once asked the late Professor Parker Cleveland if there w r cre not more recent works on anatomy than those in the college library. “Young man.” said the professor, “ there have been very few new bones added to the human body during the last twenty years.” tramp. “ I’ve been a-tellin’ that feller 1 am so dead broke that I have to sleep outdoors.” “Didn’t that fetch him?” asked the other. “ Naw. He tol’ me ho was a-doin’ the same thing, and had to pay the doctor for tellin’ him to do it.” A man was sitting in a non-smoking compartment -with a pipe in his mouth when a rather officious old woman entered and said : “You are not allowedl to smoko here.” “ I’m not smoking,” he replied. “ But you have a pipe in your mouth ” she argued. “Yes, and I have my feet in rav boots; but I am not walking,” was the rejoinder. There had been a serious accident at the works, and Mike O’Rafferty was badly hurt. “ Now.” said the foreman, “wc must send somebody to break the nows to his wife. You can’t go, Callighan; you’re too blunt and brutal. We want someone who will do it gently.” “ Faith, then.” said Callighan, “ye’d best send Pat O'Hara; ho stutters !” Here is a recruiting story told by an officer at his club the other day. A very fat waiter had applied for enlistment into the army. The recruiting sergeant looked at him and shook his head, saying: “Can’t be done, old son; you’re too stout.” “Stout or not stout,” came the indignant reply, *’ every acre of my body is at the service of my country.” —■ A railway guard was walking along the line beside his train, which had stopped at a country station, calling out the name of the place: “ Sawyer, Sawyer.” Suddenly the window of a compartment from which came the sound of kissing, went down, and a very blushing young lady put her head out and said: “I don’t care if you did. We’re married !” —“I wouldn’t o’ had no trouble wif dc constable ner _ nobody,” said Mr Erastus Pinkley, “if it hadn’t been fob woman’s love ob dress.” “ What has drees got to do with it?” asked the gaoler. “Well, my womenfolks, dey wahn’t satisfied wid eatiri’ de mos’ ob de chicken. Dey had to go an’ put do feathers in deir hats an’ p’rade ’em as circumstanshial ebidoneo.” _■ —The cabby and the chauffeur had a slight altercation, and the former, in approved sarcastic stylo, inquired: “And what’s that pretty thing stuck up on the side?” “Why, that’s a spare rim and tyre in case any of the wheels go wrong—as any sensible man knows.” “ Well, I’ve drove ’ossos for nigh on twenty years, an’ I never carried a spare leg for one of ’em yet!” , Private Doherty was six feet four in his socks; the sergeant was a foot shorter. The sergeant looked along the line. “Head up there, Doherty,” ho cried. Doherty raised his head. “Up higher,” said the little sergeant. “There, that’s bette”. Don’t let mo see your head down again.” “Am I to be always like this?” asked Doherty, staring away above the little sergeant’s head. “You are.” “Then I’ll say good-bye to ye, sergeant, for I’U never see yez again.”

A city man wanted a new office boy. Among the applicants was_ a lad, who gave a neighbouring firm as his reference. So the prospective employer got on the telephone. “Well,” said the head clerk, who answered his inquiry, “he’s one of those all that—eh?” “ Hardly that,” came the inquirer eagerly. “ Smart and efficient, and all that—eh?” “Hardly that,’ came the disappointing reply. “ What I mean is that he only goes when you push him !’ —An old black servant was dusting a drawing room when she came to_ a small bronze bust of Shakespeare. “Miss Juliet, chile,” she said to her young mistress, who happened to be in the room, “ who am eus yere gemmun?” “This is Shakespeare, a wonderful poet, who died centuries ago. “ Dat him, miss? I’se done hyear o’ Mistah Shakespeare a lot ob times. Ever’body seems to know him. ’Deed, I done hyear so much ’bout him dat I alius thought ho was a white gemmun!” Mrs Jones frequently amused her neighbours and friends by implying that she was acquainted with some of the most exclusive people, although her own social position was ordinary. One day she chanced to mention a certain most exclusive lady quite as if she had a calling acquaintance with her. “Do you know Mrs G —— ?'’ asked the neighbour. “ Well, not to say personally; but, in a way, I feel acquainted with her—in a way. You see, we both got our milk off the same man.”