FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3149, 22 July 1914, Page 62

FUN AND FANCY.

Some men who claim to be looking for work should have their eyes examined. Tramp: “Can’t you help a poor, lonely man who hasn’t got anytmng in the world but a leaded revolver?” First Territorial: “ Well, what do you think of our manoeuvres. Bill? ’ Second Territorial: “Thank ’Evin .we’ve got a nivy!” , The Artist; “My boy, artists are born, not made.” Candid Friend: “ That s all very well; but you can't blame it ail on your parents.” The courage of the Turks is explained by the fact that a man with mow tluvu one wife is more willing to face deatn than il he had only one. Brown; "That’s the girl Jones and Smythc fought about.” Robinson : ' Really ! Who was the lucky man?” Brown.: Joins. She married Smytne.” “Your wife no longer sings or plays the piano, how’s that? ’ “ She hasn t tnc time. We’ve two children. “Well, well! After all, children are a blessing! Cox: “You say that money is chincult to collect. How do you know that? Have you tried and failed?” box: No; but a number of persons have tried to collect Boy (to charitable lady): “Please, mother says slie's much better of tnc complaint wot you gives ’er quinine for;- but she’s awful ill of the disease wot s cuicd by port wine and chicken broth.” The Unbeliever (after the spiritualist seance): “Surely you don’t believe that the spirit of vour dead husband upset all that furniture?” The Widow: 'Well, I don t know. George was dreadfully clumsy. -The Lady: “So you’re really one of the striking-'miners?” The Loaiei . x , lidy. I’m wot they call one o the o’ the movement. I went on strike 2o ytais ago, lidy, and I ain’t never give m yet. _!» Do yon know the parables, my bo> • said a bishop once. “Yes sir, he repbe-d. “And which of the parables do you like best?” “I like the one,” he answered, after a moment’s thought, “ where somebody loafs and fishes. ’ Jenks: “So you and the Bray ton gnl are one?” Timson: “That’s what I thought when the parson married us, but I have since concluded wo are iO. Jenks: « hat do you mean?” Timson: She is one and I’m nought, my dear fellow. — 44 Now, children, said a-school teachei, “can any of you tell me of a greater power than a kin°-?” “Yes, ma’am!’ cried a small boy, eagerly “ Very well, you may tell the class, replied the Teacher. An ace!” was the unexpected reply. A would-bo smart student thus accosted a Jap recently in London: What sort of a ‘ nesc’ are you —Chinese or Japanese. But the Jap was not to be caught napping. “ Well, what sort of a key are you — a Yankee, a monkey, or a donkey? —“ I see the women are going to wear mediaeval costumes in that Suffragette parade,” remarked Mr Wornout pleasantly. “What are you going to wear, my dear. “ My mediaeval hat,” said Mrs Wornout significantly. And there were no further remarks. ... , ,i j ■ Sandy was walking along the road m deep thought, and it was his minister who brought him to earth again with; Hal.oa, Sandv! Thinking of the future, - ( ch? “ No!” replied cur hero moodily. to-morrow-’s the wife’s birthday; and I m thinking o’ the present. ’ Young Levinsky: More vinegar, mother.” ‘ Mrs Levinsky: You mustn t take so much vinegar. Mosey. Dot vas bad for your constitution. Mr Levinsky: Let him haf all ho vants, Leah. If you stunt his growth he can ride on the railways all his life at half-price.” Litfc Abek was m tae tram the other day, and in the seat opposite to him was an old pensioner whose breast was covered with medals. Alick gazed at him and the medals long and earnestly, and at last said to his mother: “Mamma, why floes that man wear his money on his coat. Wont they let him have pockets?” “married an aged millionaire. ‘ Oh, how could you do it?’ a friend asked her. Such an old follow, too 1’ ‘My dear,’ the young bride replied, ‘if you were starving and somebody gave vou an enormous banx note —a bank note "for a million,—would you bother to look at the date ?’ ” . . don’t they?” asked a counsel who was severely cross-examining and badgering a witness. “ No, not always.” “ Did you ever hear of a case of fainting where tne party did not turn pale?” “Yes, sir.” Did you over see such a case?” “Yes sir. “When?” “About a year ago.” Who was it?” “ ’Twas a negro, sir.” The poetry of Japan finds expression in its advertising. For example: “Our wrapping paper is as strpng as the hide of an elephant. Goods forwarded with the speed of a cannon ball. Our silxs and satins are as soft as the cheeks of a pretty woman, as beautiful as the rainbow. Our parcels are packed with as much care as a young married woman takes of her husband.” She was a pretty young schoolmistress, and was reading sentences to her class, letting them supply the last word. “ The sphinx,” she road, “has eyes, but it cannot ” “ See !” cried the children. “ Has ears, but it cannot ” “ Hear !” they responded. “ Has a mouth, but it cannot ” “Eat 1” came the chorus. “ Has a nose, but it cannot ” “ Wipe it!” thundered the class. The captam of the beaten team approached his friend. “ I reckon you served us a rotten trick by recommending that new naan to us. Ho carno out for a duck, dropped three easy catches, and as for his bowling, the first ball he sent down—well; we haven’t found it yet; and you had the cheek to tell mo that ho would bo useful to a side.” Friend: “Ah, so I did! But you didn’t ask which side.” ■ A long-suffering husband had a wife who seemed to be perpetually talking. After driving Ivm almost frantic one evening with conversation, she remarked : “ Thaddeus, I suppose when I die you’ll have a mausoleum built in my memory?” “I will do nothing of the sort,” returned the exasperated Thaddeus. “When you die I will have you cremated and your ashes placed in an hour-glass. Then you can keep on going forever.” An Irish tenant farmer, returning from a somewhat distant market late one afternoon, missed his way, and got into a boghole. where he stuck fast. His landlord, who' knew the locality, chancing to pass shortly afterwards on horseback, noticed his tenant’s dilemma, and smilingly shouted out: “Halloa, Pat! you’ve got fixity of tenure now!” “Yes, begorra !” ejaculated Pat. “ And I’d bo moightly obliged if yor honour wud evict me.”

—A gang of labourers was employed digging u mysterious ditch across the street. It was a sewer or a place to put a gas pipe or something. One man in particular was working as if he were a chorus man in a play-just going through the motions and pretending to dig a ditch. The foreman came along and spoke to liim. 4 Don t c>e afraid,’’ he said with rich sarcasm. “Lean on th’ shovel now an’ thin. If it breaks I’ll pay for it.” _ , Murphy went camping with a party of friends, and was appointed chief cook and bottle-washer. Whlc preparing the dinner he accidentally spilt some tea leaves into the soup. There was no way of repairing the damage, but he did not want to confess his blunder. So when ho served up the meal ha remarked sweetly: “ I say, you fellows, if ye find any lay leaves in the soup—they’re mint!” —A man who was very vain of his personal appearance went to the doctor one day and asked him to explain a singular circumstance. “Doctor,” ho said. “my Irakis perfectly black, but my whiskers are turning white rapdly. Now, how do you account for that’;” “Well,” replied the physician, “I don’t know, unless it is because your jaws have worked a great deal harder than your brains.”