FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3102, 27 August 1913, Page 62

FUN AND FANCY.

Pride is an indefinable something that prevents a woman from looking her ago. W line : " I'aw, wnut is i.gnt lict.on ? Paw: "Das and electric light b.-.s, my son.’ j.he San: “1 in gomg to strike for shorter hours.’ Too _vloon: "ill join you. 1 m getting tired oi so much mgnt work.' ■ JU.n t JJuggs natural.y a lazy man? “Not exactly .u/.y; out tie seems to mink it is unneaitny ,o work between mca.s.” Air Long ele Scent (pointing to silhouettes on wall): ’* es. rny boy, these are ah. my ancestors.'’ New Buttons: "What, an oi cm nigg-us?" —" 1 Jiao my suspectione —I mean rny superstitious —my er —suspensions ol h.m, a witness confined to tuc magts.rate at the Lnfield Ponce Court.

cun just go to bed without any supper !" " Well, mother, what about tua; medicine I've got to take alter meals?’ Heard at a South Coast resort: —“Your town boasts a band, dots it not? ’ " Not exactly. We’ve got a band, but wo don't boast of it: we just endure it.’’ Stoat Man (witn heavy kL-bag): ‘‘Here, mv boy, wnat Ji you take to carry tins to trio station for me?'’ Boy (after a moment's consideration): “Id take a bus, sir.” Patient (to dentist): " 1 say ! This gas is absolutely sate, isn't it."’ Dentist: ’ Don't worry, sir. in these times 1 couldn’t afford, to lose a customer.”

Patricia: "I've heard some awful stories about your husband.” Clarice: "(Jh, do tell them to me! Perhaps I can make him give me a now gown or two.” —" My child,” the old gentleman said, ‘‘l have concluded not to try to mtlacnco your choice of a husband.” " (Jh, papal’ "Business is looking up quite decidedly.”

spondent, " who is so much afraid of draughts that she’d put on a shawl if she came into a room and found a book open! Local "Terrier,”: “Well, uncle, how do I look as a soldier?” Farmer Giles: " Foino, my boy 1 But blessed ;f Oi can think ow ycr git them twisted trousers on I ”

mcle’s will?” “1 was to have all his cash after the payment of his just debts.” “How generous! What did he leave?” "Just debts.”

they not?” asked Mr Meckton. "Equal among themselves,” replied h:s wife, “ but as * between themselves and us, distinctly inferior.”

Parson (to boy selling papers at railway station): “Do you have the life of Shakespeare?” “ Ach, I dinna hae the life o’ a dug,” was the answer, “an’ I’m leavin’ the morn.”

Captain (receiving the new middy): “ Well, boy, the old story, I suppose —fool of the family sent to sea?” “ Oh, no. sir!” piped the boy; “that’s all altered since your day.”

—Mr iSquills (dictating a letter of indignation): “Sir, my typist, being a lady, cannot take down what I think of you; I, being a gentleman, cannot even think it; but. you, being neither, can easily guess my thoughts.” “Your cousin is dreadfully thin, isn’t she?” remarked Von More. “ Thin?” responded Do Wagg, “ why, she’s so blamed thin that if she’d only close one eye she'd look like a needle!”

Howso: “What are you doing for your cold?” iScso; ‘ Taking the open-air treatment. Breathing lots of oxygen during the day.” Howso: “What do you breathe at night?" Soso: “ Nightrogon.” “Say, did ycz bear thot Pat O’Muiligan wouldn’t have bis now house built of nothin’ but imitation stone?” “Xo ; an phwy did he want nothin’ but imitation slonc?” " Because ’tis shamrock.”

sistency.” “What’s the matter, Mike?"*' “ Me wife chased mo out wid a. rolling-pin this morning and then cried because I left homo without kissing her good-bye.”

dear, to enact properly a milkmaid.” “Have I, sir? But I thought a milkmaid should be rosy-checked,” *' On the contrary; a milkmaid is naturallv a pail girl.” "You really must impress upon John the folly of his lino of action.” "What’s the use? Ho won't pay the least attention to me; lie’ll only listen to fools now.” After a slid t pause: “You speak to him.” “Whom do you consider the most fin do siecle girl in our set?” “Sibyl Summergirl. by all odds! She gets out of a hammock without first directing the attention of the ma-n to some object in the distance.’’

Aii Exemplary Patient: “This morning tlie tlocto' - ordered mo to drink warm water an hour before every meal, and here I’ve been drinking for the last 40 minutes, but I'll he jiggered if I can swallow another drop !’’ Weddorly: “I’d hate to have any business dealings with Rlyker. He’s too smart.” Singleton: “Do you mean to say that you consider him smarter than yourself?” Wedderly: “I certainly do. Why. he had a chance to marry rny wif n —hut lie didn’t.” —Shopkeeper (ro new hoy) : “When you’ve finished sweeping the shop and put things straight, don’t hang about wasting your time. You can be catching flies and nutting them into our new patent (ly-lran, so that it will be ready to put in the window.”

“Bridget, didn’t I hear you quarrelling with the milkman tills morning?” “ Sure not ! One of his tril ls is ill. an’ I was - inquiring after her. Hut he’s very .m----polite.” “ How's that?” “Rays I. ‘How's your milkmaid?’ an’ lie looked that wild an’ Mvs. ‘That’s a thrade secret’!” -Old Dame: “ Tinpenee a pound for candles! That's very dear, ain’t it?” Grocer; “Yes, but. you see, they are dearer now on account of the war.’ Old Panic (in surprise): “ I.or a massy! You don’t sav so; on’ be they a-fightin’ by candle light now?” Wife: “You do not sneak as affectionately to me as you used to, Hal. _ I fear you have ceased to love me.” Hubbie: “Teased to love you! There vou go again. Teased to love you ! Why, I love you more than bfc ii-elf. \ow shut up and let mo read the paper.”