FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3101, 20 August 1913, Page 62

FUN AND FANCY.

You don’t lower your dignity by bending your knees. "Rivers, is yours a safety razor?” “It is now. I haven’t used it for two years.”

"His language was terrible; I never saw worse,” said a policeman at Bridgend. "Have you hot water'in your house?” “Have I? My dear boy, I’m never out of it.”

ing?” Bob: “You can’t —try stopping your cars.”

—So many women wouldn’t marry the best man living, it is no wonder that the devilish fellows are so successful.

Father: “Well, Mary, you have a brand-new baby sister.” Mary: “Oh, papa! Can I bo the first to toll mamma?”

Jack: “What is an optimist?” Steve: “An optimist is a cross-eyed man who is thankful that he isn't how-legged !” Miss Huggins: “My father is very good at reading faces.” Mr Kissam: “Then I had better not print any kisses here.” “Where was Magna Charta signed?” asked a teacher in a South of London boarding-school. “Please, sir, at the bottom.”

is like using a telephone.” “How so?” “One doesn't always got the party one wants.”

“Do you think your father would object to my seeking your hand?” “Don’t know, I’m sure. If he’s anything like mo ho would.”

Mrs Newlywed: “When wo go anywhere now we have to walk. Before our marriage you always called a taxi.” Mr Newlywed: “Yes, that’s why we have to walk now.”

Benign Old Gentleman: “Poor little chap! Where did that cruel boy hit you?” Tommy: “800-00-oo! Wo wore ’avin’ a naval battle, and ’e lorpcdocd me in the engine-room !” Customer: “Why do you always relate those horrid talcs and uncanny advomurcs when you are cutting one’s hair?” Hairdresser: “Because they make people’s hair stand on end.”

The doctor said to Mrs Perkins, whose husband was lying ill: “Has he had any lucid intervals?” Mrs Perkins replied at once; “’K’s ’ad nothin’ except what you ordered, doctor.” Samson : “You told me ho was one of the best-known man in town.” Bilson : “So he is.” Samson: “ Why, he can’t got credit anywhere!” Bilson: “Doesn’t that prove ho is well known?” The object of the average explorer is to got enough material for a lecture,” said Johnson. “That’s true enough,” replied Brown. “Take my wife, for instance, when she goes through ray pockets!” The Mistress; “Why, I gave you a pound of walnuts to crack. There are hardly any here. Whore arc the rest?” Jane: “Lor. mum, the uvvere was so big I couldn’t get ’em in me mouf!” She; “I shall go up to town to-morrow, Alexander, to see the new hats.” Ho: “You forget, my love, to-morrow is Sunday; the shoiis will be closed.” She: “Shops! Who wants shops? I’m going to church!” Officer: “I was struck very much by your ignorance in drill this afternoon. Why, confound it. you don’t even know whore your from is!’’ Recruit: “Yes. I do, sir. It's gone to the wash with my shirt.”

Her Husband: “My dear, how did you happen to emplov such a pretty nursrgirl?’ His Wife: “I didn’t happen to (to it. I did it because I wanted the children to have police protection when they arc in the park.’’ “You scarcely want your overcoat today, sir,” said a favoured parishioner. “I know,” replied the vicar; “but my wife is interested in a jumble sale just now, and when 1 carry my clothes about with me I know where they are!” Little Willie: “Say, pa, doesn’t it c?ot colder when the thermometer falls?” Pa: “Yes, mv son.” Little Willie: “Well, ours lias fallen.” Pa: “How far?” Little Wiilio: “About five feet—and when it struck the porch floor it broke.” Auntie,” asked little Helen, “are you an Indian, or d:d you marry one?” “Gracious me, child, of course not I” said the young aunt. “Whv do you at-k such a <luestion?" “Well,” said the child. “I saw a lot of scalps on your dressing-table.” “Do you find poultry-keeping pays?” “Well, no, I can’t say that it pays me. but I think that it pays my boy Jim.” “How’s that?” “Well, you sec, I bought him the fowls. I have to pay for their keep and buy the eggs from him. and ho cate them.”

"Papa. will you buv mo a drum?’' asked a lit Ho lad of Irs father. “But, mv hoy,” answered papa, “I am afraid you will disturb mo very much with it.” “Oh. no, I won’t, papa,” promised the little fellow; “I’ll only play it when vou’ro asleep.” Mrs Rile,'-: “Thot Kerrigan bye hoz gone oop for tin years for sand-baggin’-nn’ on'y Iwinty-’.vati years old th' wake.” Mi-s Casey: “An’ pliwat end yez cxpiet. th* wav that ohoild wux neglected, Mrs Riley? Whoi. lie wuz near seventeen years old before I lie parents even shit him to a reform school !’’

Xhe would-be comedian had just given a performance of bis “turn before tlio manager. “X.” said the latter, “it won’t do. I don’t want any profanity in my theatre, mv hoy.” “But I didn’t use any profanity,” gasped the astonished statro aspirant. “No—o.” was the reply, “but the audience would I” The celebrated wife of a still more celebrated politician lias a p>etty. if somewhat caustic, wit. Recently this lady was discussing with a friend the style of dress affected by another very distinguished lady. “Don’t you flunk she dresses bolter than she did?’’ asked the friend. “Dresses!” was the suave exn stulaticn of th : s ultra-fashion-able dame; “lir-eses I surely. my dear, you mean ufiho’sU rs.