FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3100, 13 August 1913, Page 61

FUN AND FANCY.

He: “ Lore letters have a financial value when it comes to damage suits.” tone: ‘‘Why shouldn't they? Aren't they promissory notes?’’

Aviator (to young assistant, who has begun to bo frightened): “ Well, what da you want now?” Assistant (whimpering): "I want tile earth.”

leacner; ‘‘Of course, you understand the difference between liking and loving? Pupil; ”\es. mam. 1 like father and mother, but I love pic.” Mrs Carson knows how to manage her husband/’ How dees she do it?” “ Sho gives him the impression that ho is actually managing her instead.” ' Tommy. ’ asked Ins Sunday school superintendent., ‘‘do you know where little boy- go to when they smoke?” “ Yes, sir,” tommy replied, ‘* behind the barn.” ‘'Ma'am, can you do somethin’ for a sufferer from the war in the Balkans?” In what manner did you suffer?” ‘‘l "as a proof-reader on a daily paper.” cultured tastes, domestic accomplishments—-ev.j-y (pniiification of the model wife.” everything except a rich father.” : —”Hallo. Winkers! I hear you married a woman with an independent 'fortune. W inkers (sadly): “ X-no ; I married a fortune with an independent woman.” Daughter: “‘.Shall I take an umbrella to post this letter, mother?” Mother: “So, stay in tlit' house: it isn’t a (if night for a dog to be out; let your father go to the post !”

A matter-of-fact dressmaker. not to ba outdone by a rival milliner, who styles herself a “ bonnet architect." lias hung he* sign on the outer wall as “Mrs . dreeabnilder."’ "How is it you never married?'' “I don't euro for the society of women. Resales. married life would disturb my literary labours.’’ "What do you write?*’ “Love stones. “ W hat is the principal difference between modern and ancient times?'’ “One of the main points was that the modern earn their living, while the ancient timed their dead. ’ Mamma: “Tommy, you are a very naughty boy for slapping baby. What did yon hit him for?” Tommy (crying): “lie's drunk all the ink. am! he won’t eat a piece of blotting paper!’’ Mrs Fashion (about to give a party, to her greengrocer, formerly in service): “ I hear you're used to waiting. - ’ Greengrocer (ruefully): “Yes. mum. Your account had bin rimniti’ over a twelvemonth !’’ A young woman applied at Stratford for a summons against a woman for pulling her hair The < 'lerk: “Is she any relation?” Applicant: “Yes, stepmother* in-law; worse than mother-in-law. isn’t it?” “Mamma,’’ sobbed Wilke. “do my ears belong to my neck or my face?” 'Why. what is the matter?” was the temporising reply. “ Well, you told Mary to wash my face, and she’s washing my cava, too !’’ ---“Now. Johnny.” said the mother of the young hostess to the little boy guest. 1 want you to feel perfeetlv at home.’ ■ Il’mgrowled Johnny. ”1 don’t want to feel at home. 1 want to have a good time.” -Painter: “ I low do yon like the picture?” Critic (sardonically): II in: might be worse’’ Painter (off tided): "Sirj T hope you will withdraw that statement.’ Critic: “All right, then; it couldn’t IwJ worse !” --Chemist; “I’m afraid 1 can’t let yoa have the drug, sir" Customer; “Why? Do J look like a person who would coinmi*. suicide?” Chcursi: ”It s no, for me If) say. sir: oiJv if I had a face like yours I'd be tempted.” A teacher, lu giv’ng examples of the use of the hyphen. <pioled the word “ birdcage,” and then u«k< d one of the scholars: ' Now. then, tell me why we put a hyphen in ‘bird-cage’?” “ For the bird to sit on/ was the unexpected reply. --Tourist: “What sort of a landlord have you got here?” Native; “ lies tho sort of a man if he was put on an uninhabited island he'd stick Ids hands in the pockets of the nuked savages and rob them of what they hadn’t got. ’ -- “ Women y«ust consider it a dreadful fate to be an old maid.” mused Mr Chugwater. “They do. Josiah, ’ sum] Mrs ( hugwater. “What terrible sticks they sometimes marry to escape! ’ I hen Josiah rubbed h’s chin and said nothing. •—“Oli. Mrs Giveaway,” exclaimed tho bride. “ I want to thank you so much for voiir splendid ef!.' “A mere trifle, my dear.” replied Mrs Giveawav. married ono year, “a mere trifle.” “Well. T d'dn’fc think so when I gave It to you.” What, kind of career have von mapped out for voiir boy. Josh?” ” I'm going to make a lawyer of him.” answered Farmer Wheat!' l v. “Ilf's got an unconquerable fancy for ’fendin’ to other folks’ businese, an’ he might as we’l pit pri'd it.” When fshimmerpatc arrived iirune art liour later than usual he was nibbling n c’ove. “I stopnrfl in a concert hall for a few moments.” be olwowed. "The inusio was intoxicating.” “That's right!” exclaimed his better half. “ Rlame it on tho music. ’ PFsoner: “F r ve pht/e, yr Aimer. Ol wild loik to w ithdraw me l> ! ' i of ‘ No* guilty’ an’ put, in a p !l !l of ‘Guilty.’’ J mitre: “Then why didn’t von plead ‘ Guiltv ’ in the first ; lace, and save Ml this trouble''” Prisoner: ‘Mure, y’r Aimer. Oi had not. heard the ividerce.” “George, dear.” began tie 1 luide as they were on the way to the depot for the:* honeymoon, “ I want you to answer tna just one question, and then T shall feel sura of you.” “What is it. darling?” “If you knew that I loved you as much as you love me, would you love mo as much as I love you?” “Wed. George and Gladys are to ho married next week, and wit’ll have to gix’O them n present. What will It be, and how much ehall we spend’ ? “ t don’t know. I’ll go as deep as von." “Let’s send them something that will make a big show for our money.” “ All right.- ! low about a load of hay?” —He wts nisror of a far-distant State, and was talking to the little man from home. “I dutino how you manage these affairs over there.” he was saying, “ but over here, when some of our hoys got tied tip in that thar bankrupt telephone company T was tollin’ yer about, they became mighty' crusty.’’ “01:1’ “Yus: they didn’t like the way the receiver was handlin’ the busineW nohow.” ” Indeed?” commented the earnest listener. “Then may I ask what they did?” “Sariintly; I waa goin’ ter tell yer. They just hung up tho receiver.”