EDITOR’S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 3098, 30 July 1913, Page 74

EDITOR’S WALLET.

Daw. Iho small boy. unexpectedly detained on aii overnight visit, was indignant at being otrerod some of ins cousin’s garments. I won t wear a girl's nightdress," ho protested; “I’d sooner sleep raw." VUiat Did She Expect? Sho was only 12st, so that when she trod on a banana skin she subsided very gently. A polite shopkeeper came out to assist her to rise from a box of his best new-laid eggs. "Oh, I do hope I have not broken them I” she cried. “Not at all, madam,” said the polite onoj “they are only bent.” Was lie Punished ! “Once again my orders have been disobeyed,” said the master in a certain public school, sternly. "Who is the miscreant? ’ •Not a sou! answered, and a tragic silence prevailed * matter shall bo settled once and for al, ho went on, in the same icy manner, _and if none will tell, every boy in the class shall he thrashed.” hach boy, therefore, was duly thrashed, but not one of them would breathe the culprit s name, until, suddenly, as the last boy was about to receive his share of punishment, the cane was withheld. Fixing a keen look on the lad, the master said : ’‘Now, if you tell mo who did this action, I will not punish you.” “All right, sir; I did it!” came the hesitating reply. Didn't Kfcognisc It. A distinguished judge has discovered that ho still has something to learn in the direction of agriculture. , He bought a farm recently, and finds special delight in walking about the place commenting on the condition of the crops, and in many ways showing the greatest interest in hie now possession. One evening during the summer he was strolling over the farm. Tho grass had been cut during tho day—a very thin crop —and was ly.ng on the ground to dry. I ho judge saw it, and calling his man, he said; "It seems do me you are very careless. Why haven t you been more particular in raking up this bay? Don’t you see that you have left little dnbblings all about?” I'or a minute tho man stared, wondering if tho judge were quizzing him. Then ho replied; “Little dribhlings! Why, man, that’s tho crop !’’ S*assinir Greatness, The manager of a certain music hall prided himseif on his brilliant oratorical powers, and every Saturday night-he announced the “stars” for the ensuing week. One evening, after giving in glowing terms tho smaller luminaries, he finished thus: ‘‘And last, but not least, wo have, secured, at enormous expense, ‘Spring Brothers,’ tho world’s acrobats, the real champions, and the talk of tho stage, for six nights only.” Then after pausing for breath he exclaimed ; “Yes, and what’s more, ladies and gentlemen, on Monday week vvc. have a troupe coming that can knock ’em into a cocked hat.” “Xothiiijp” Defined. ■ln an Irish school, not long ago, a school teacijpr asked a class to define “Nothing.” lie wrote tho question on tho blackboard, and did so quickly and rather carelessly. A little rod-headed fellow’s hand shot up, “Well, Thady, what is nothing?” said the teacher. “You may tell ns.” “It’s the dot on the ‘i’ ye’ve forgotten to make, sor!” was the triumphant reply. An equally good definition was that of the hid who declared that nothing was a “footless stocking without a leg.” He, too, was Irish. Loss imaginative, hut no less convincing, was the mercenary definition given bv a canny “chiel” in Scotland. “It’s when a. man asks ye to baud hie horse,” he explained, ruefully, “and then just says, ‘Thank yc!’ ” Certainly Was Dirty. While the agent was talking to tho head of the house at a country farm the friend at the gate held his horse, and a. conversation took place with the small boy of tho family. With grave incredulity ho was saying: “Are you sure you are only nine years old? I think there must ho some mistake.” Tho boy was positive, but to make sure, “Mother!” ho ca-llcd, “ain’t I just nine years old?” “Yes, son.” After a time h© ventured: “Say, mister, what made you think I was more than nine years old?” “Why,” said the stranger, “I couldn’t understand how you could get so dirty in nine years.” Caustic, Two men, father and eon. entered a. fashionable restaurant The old gentleman proceeded to tuck his napkin under his chin as soon as ho was fairly seated. Tho waiter approached their-table, and tho old fellow looked up with a genial smile, and said : “Can we get lunch here?” Tho dignified waiter surveyed him critically. “Yes,” ho replied, “hut not a shampoo.” Thirsty Teetotallers. In a Lancashire town a clergyman was being entertained over tile week-end by one of tho well-to-do but plain men of the place. As soon as the guest was settled hy tho fireside on the Saturday evening, his host asked him, “Are you a teetotaller?” “Well, no-o, not exactly,” was tho reply. Tile master of tho house received the statement with evident relief. “Ah’rn reight glad to hear it.” he said ; we’n had that sort stayin’ with us afore. Now, if ye’d been one o’ thorn teetotallers, yo’d a’ Ixien wantin’ soda water and lemonade and lirncjuico and ginger ale, and nobody knows what all. But as yo’ an’t a teetotaller yo’ll be satisfied wi’ plain water, like tho rest on U 3.”