FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3098, 30 July 1913, Page 62

FUN AND FANCY.

--“She gets her complexion from her mother's people.” "All, indeed I Arc they chemists, thui?” Roderick: ‘T’vo often gone on the stage without a bite to oat. Antnony : “And come off with enough vegetables to last a month.”

- Air Goldstein: ‘T vould rather zee my laughter in der grave dan your vifc. _ Air Silver.stein: “Is dot so?" 1 did not know

you haf her life inzuivd. —• The climate is considered very healthy hero. I believe, remarked the tourist in Arizona. "Yes. if you mind your own business,” replied the native. Weeks: "I onoo knew ft man who really enjoyed moving.” Seeks; “I don’t believe it.” Weeks; "It’s ;i fair. Von sec, he lived in a houseboat.

“Did your watch stop when it dropped ou the floor? asked one man oi his friend. “Of course,” was the answer. “Did you think it would go through?” Draper’s Assistant; "Would you like to look through some of our blankets, madam?” Customer: “No; I want some that you can't look through.” A rifleman in tolling a story said: “ Aly aim is to always tell the truth.” Yes.” said a brother private. “ but you rc the worst shot in tho regiment." Modern Girl: “If you really loved me all the time, whv didu t you let me know .' Modern Youth; “I couldn't find a postcard with the right words on it.” The Landlady: "It pains mo to speak about your board bill.” The Out of 77 oiuc Actor:'“Then don’t do it, my good woman; I can’t bear to see anyone suffer. -—Johnny: “Alumina, will you wash my face?” Mamma; “7Vhy. Johnny, can’t you do that?” Johnny'; “Yes. but I’ll have to wot my hands, and they don t need it. “'77’hon you married me, June, you seemed to think I was a pretty good match.” “I did. And vou’ve never once kindled a lire for me from that day to this.” Pensioner Old-String: "Yes. guvnor, I’ve braved the very jaws of dgath—and hero I am!” Old Gent: "And I’ve braved tho jaws of my old woman for nigh 30 years—shake hands!” 'file Fair One: “I suppose you will marry, though, when the golden opportunity offers, won’t you ? ’ The Cautious One: "It will depend upon lupv much gold is in the opportunity.” Frod : “My dear Dora, lot this thought console you for your lovers death. Remember that, other and better men than ho have gone the sumo way." Bereaved One: "They haven’t all gone, have they?” Her husband grunted, being in a reactionary mood. “I’d like to know, ’ ho said, “what women have ever done for the feeble-minded?’ “They usually marry them, dear,” replied the wife, sweetly. —Father: “77’e11. Tommy, how do you think you wi’l iiko tho little fellow for a brother?” “Tommy (inspecting tho new infant somewhat doubtfully): “Have wo got to keep him. papa, or is he only a sample?" "It says here that surgeons have discovered tiiat orange-blossoms may be used as an amosthctic,” said Airs Henptck. “I always did believe that I was unconscious when we were married,” remarked Mr Henpeck --Professor Stone: “To the geologist a thousand years or so are not counted as any time at all.” Alan in the Audience : “Great (F-ott I And to think I made a temporary loan of £2 to a man who holds such views!’’ Blink (the wholesaler): “77’e11, how many orders did you get yesterday?” Gink (the sa esman): "I got two orders in one shop.” Blink: “77’haf were they?” Gink: “One was to get out and tho other was to stay out.” Have you no gymnasium?” asked the visitor at tile Stiilvillo Female Alute Academy. "Oh. every place is like a gymnasium to us.” replied the polite lady principal ; “you will notice that we have dumb bel’es everywhere.'" "Beg pardon, sir,” said the porter at the Exclusive Club. "Haven’t you made a mistake?" "I reckon not,” replied Farmer George. “The sign on the door nays. 'No Admission.’ and if there’s no admission it’s free, ain’t it?” The other day a child Fail! to her mother; "I wish ! had a new dob, mamma.” "But your old doll." her mother answered, "is as good as ever.” "So am I as good as over," the little girl replied, "but ihe doctor brought you a. new babv.” Old Lady : “Here's a glass of deliciously cool spring water, my poor man.” Tramp: “1 daren’t touch ii ma’am.” Old Lady: “77Ti\?” Trump; "77’e11, you see. iTs like this, niih.in; I ve got an iron constitution. an’ if I drank -water it wou’d gi r ni-u !” to gif your son for a Ir.ilhdav present?" Second Dutchman: "I don’t know; it's putty hard times. 1 guess f haf some buddons sewed on his clothes.” First Dutchman: “Y'S, dal's so; I guess 1 haf my boy’s hair cut Father: “77T11. my boy. wieit are you going to be when you grow up?" Young Hopeful : “I'm going to be a soldier." Father: "But then you stand a chute/' of being ki'l/'d by the enemy." Young Hopeful (after reflection): -'77'ili, I'll hg one of i!ie enemy then." -- 77Tfe (who is very fond of her first I> iL\) : “T he landlord was here to-day. 1 gave him the £5 and showed him the baby.” Her Tin-band (who was kept awake last night); “Ii would have been much biter if you’d given him the baby and show.-d him the £5.” Polite Doctor; “Your husband, madam, is ,-uflVring either from overwork or excessive indulgence in alcoholic stimulants; it is diflP-n'.i to say which." Anxious 77’ife: “Oh, I’m sure it's overwork! \7Tiy, he can’t even no to the theatre without hurrying out half a dozen times to see one of