FUN AND FANCY.
--“She gets her complexion from her mother's people.” "All, indeed I Arc they chemists, thui?” Roderick: ‘T’vo often gone on the stage without a bite to oat. Antnony : “And come off with enough vegetables to last a month.”
- Air Goldstein: ‘T vould rather zee my laughter in der grave dan your vifc. _ Air Silver.stein: “Is dot so?" 1 did not know
you haf her life inzuivd. —• The climate is considered very healthy hero. I believe, remarked the tourist in Arizona. "Yes. if you mind your own business,” replied the native. Weeks: "I onoo knew ft man who really enjoyed moving.” Seeks; “I don’t believe it.” Weeks; "It’s ;i fair. Von sec, he lived in a houseboat.
“Did your watch stop when it dropped ou the floor? asked one man oi his friend. “Of course,” was the answer. “Did you think it would go through?” Draper’s Assistant; "Would you like to look through some of our blankets, madam?” Customer: “No; I want some that you can't look through.” A rifleman in tolling a story said: “ Aly aim is to always tell the truth.” Yes.” said a brother private. “ but you rc the worst shot in tho regiment." Modern Girl: “If you really loved me all the time, whv didu t you let me know .' Modern Youth; “I couldn't find a postcard with the right words on it.” The Landlady: "It pains mo to speak about your board bill.” The Out of 77 oiuc Actor:'“Then don’t do it, my good woman; I can’t bear to see anyone suffer. -—Johnny: “Alumina, will you wash my face?” Mamma; “7Vhy. Johnny, can’t you do that?” Johnny'; “Yes. but I’ll have to wot my hands, and they don t need it. “'77’hon you married me, June, you seemed to think I was a pretty good match.” “I did. And vou’ve never once kindled a lire for me from that day to this.” Pensioner Old-String: "Yes. guvnor, I’ve braved the very jaws of dgath—and hero I am!” Old Gent: "And I’ve braved tho jaws of my old woman for nigh 30 years—shake hands!” 'file Fair One: “I suppose you will marry, though, when the golden opportunity offers, won’t you ? ’ The Cautious One: "It will depend upon lupv much gold is in the opportunity.” Frod : “My dear Dora, lot this thought console you for your lovers death. Remember that, other and better men than ho have gone the sumo way." Bereaved One: "They haven’t all gone, have they?” Her husband grunted, being in a reactionary mood. “I’d like to know, ’ ho said, “what women have ever done for the feeble-minded?’ “They usually marry them, dear,” replied the wife, sweetly. —Father: “77’e11. Tommy, how do you think you wi’l iiko tho little fellow for a brother?” “Tommy (inspecting tho new infant somewhat doubtfully): “Have wo got to keep him. papa, or is he only a sample?" "It says here that surgeons have discovered tiiat orange-blossoms may be used as an amosthctic,” said Airs Henptck. “I always did believe that I was unconscious when we were married,” remarked Mr Henpeck --Professor Stone: “To the geologist a thousand years or so are not counted as any time at all.” Alan in the Audience : “Great (F-ott I And to think I made a temporary loan of £2 to a man who holds such views!’’ Blink (the wholesaler): “77’e11, how many orders did you get yesterday?” Gink (the sa esman): "I got two orders in one shop.” Blink: “77’haf were they?” Gink: “One was to get out and tho other was to stay out.” Have you no gymnasium?” asked the visitor at tile Stiilvillo Female Alute Academy. "Oh. every place is like a gymnasium to us.” replied the polite lady principal ; “you will notice that we have dumb bel’es everywhere.'" "Beg pardon, sir,” said the porter at the Exclusive Club. "Haven’t you made a mistake?" "I reckon not,” replied Farmer George. “The sign on the door nays. 'No Admission.’ and if there’s no admission it’s free, ain’t it?” The other day a child Fail! to her mother; "I wish ! had a new dob, mamma.” "But your old doll." her mother answered, "is as good as ever.” "So am I as good as over," the little girl replied, "but ihe doctor brought you a. new babv.” Old Lady : “Here's a glass of deliciously cool spring water, my poor man.” Tramp: “1 daren’t touch ii ma’am.” Old Lady: “77Ti\?” Trump; "77’e11, you see. iTs like this, niih.in; I ve got an iron constitution. an’ if I drank -water it wou’d gi r ni-u !” to gif your son for a Ir.ilhdav present?" Second Dutchman: "I don’t know; it's putty hard times. 1 guess f haf some buddons sewed on his clothes.” First Dutchman: “Y'S, dal's so; I guess 1 haf my boy’s hair cut Father: “77T11. my boy. wieit are you going to be when you grow up?" Young Hopeful : “I'm going to be a soldier." Father: "But then you stand a chute/' of being ki'l/'d by the enemy." Young Hopeful (after reflection): -'77'ili, I'll hg one of i!ie enemy then." -- 77Tfe (who is very fond of her first I> iL\) : “T he landlord was here to-day. 1 gave him the £5 and showed him the baby.” Her Tin-band (who was kept awake last night); “Ii would have been much biter if you’d given him the baby and show.-d him the £5.” Polite Doctor; “Your husband, madam, is ,-uflVring either from overwork or excessive indulgence in alcoholic stimulants; it is diflP-n'.i to say which." Anxious 77’ife: “Oh, I’m sure it's overwork! \7Tiy, he can’t even no to the theatre without hurrying out half a dozen times to see one of
Permanent link to this item
https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/OW19130730.2.216
Bibliographic details
Otago Witness, Issue 3098, 30 July 1913, Page 62
Word Count
947FUN AND FANCY. Otago Witness, Issue 3098, 30 July 1913, Page 62
Using This Item
Allied Press Ltd is the copyright owner for the Otago Witness. You can reproduce in-copyright material from this newspaper for non-commercial use under a Creative Commons New Zealand BY-NC-SA licence. This newspaper is not available for commercial use without the consent of Allied Press Ltd. For advice on reproduction of out-of-copyright material from this newspaper, please refer to the Copyright guide.