FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3030, 10 April 1912, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

The theatrical manager isn't the only person who spends his money to make a show." Little Elmer: "Papa, what is it that makes a statesman great?" _ Professor Broadhead: " Death, my son." "Well, Dick, did you have any luck on your hunting trip'/" " .Simply wretched. Didn't kill a tiling. I'm sorry 1 didn't go motoring instead. YViilie ; "Papa is going to let you marry sister." Featherstone: "How do you know?" Willie: "He said, alter all, you were better than nothing. Mabel {just engaged): "George said if I refused him he would never propose to any other girl." Jessie: "Yes; 1 understand you were the last on his list." quired a pupil of the teacher. " No, my son," replied the wise man; "it was Juliet who was found dead by Romeo." "Yes," remarked fhe telephone girl, as she gazed out at the waves and wondered wiiat their number was, "1 am connected with tiie best families in our town." "This is a hard world," said a shabby chap. "A man can't get a job unless lies got a new suit." " .\o," said his companion, " and he can't get a new suit unless he's got a job." "Arc ycu going to .marry Mr Simple?" "No, 1 think not. Father is not satisfied with his income; mother doesn't like his family; I don't think he's very handsome; and, besides, he hasn't asked me." chronic optimist when he woke up in the hospital. " A shark bit your leg off," said the nurse. "Oh, well, he mused, "I had rheumatism in that leg, anyhow." , She: " I married my first husband for money, and my second lor love." He: "And were you happy?" »Sho: "No. Unfortunately, my first husband married me for love and my second for money." —" What's the hardest thing you encounter in flying?" she queried. "At the present stage of the game," returned the aviator, tenderly rubbing a bump, " the hardest thing we encounter is the earth." why anybody should wish to play chess." " It's a great, game—perhaps the greatest intellectual game there is." "Yes, but- it affords no opportunity whatever for breaking speed records." Jack: "When I asked. Ethel if she would bo mine she fell on my breast and sobbed like a child, but finally she put her arms around my neck and " Maud: " Oh, yes, I know all about it. I rehearsed it with her." between us," said the oldest inhabitant. "He said I was a liar, and I said he was one." "Humph!" rejoined the village postmaster. "That's the first time I ever heard of either of you telling the truth." The Landlord (to the stranger): " Aren't you the mind reader who was entertaining the company a couple of hours ago by finding needles and other small obje-cts they had hidden?" " Yes." " Well, what has kept you here so long." "I'm looking for my hat " The Yankees are a people free—■ Oh, have you seen the Duke? We scorn ail pomp of RoyaltySay, let me have a le-ok ! Wo do not care for titles grand— Oh, see the Duchess's hat! This is a democratic land— There goes the Princess Pat! ■—New York World "What garment that a woman wears dtes a husband never see on his wife?" was the question asked by the political economist at his club. Various replias were made, but they were all declared to bo wrong. " Give it up," cried a chorus, at length, as tic economist shook his head negatively at each answer. "Widow's weeds," meekly replied the propounder of the conundrum when silence had been restored. For one so young his knowledge was extensive in the extreme. All things that came to his hand he read- novels, newspapers, treatises, or Blue Books. " Father," he said, " 1 hear Uncle Oscar is going to Iks married on Friday." "Yes," said his father; "Uncle Oscar has only three days more." The little l>oy sighed. " The last three days, father," he said, "they give them everything to eat they ask fe>r, don't they'.'" "The Scotch." the typical Aberdonian declared, "are economical and honest. They live on principle —and interest. But the desire to economise is not allowed by the Scotch to afi'eet their honour. It wasn't a Scotch economist who said one day to a friend: 'lt is wonderful how I make things last. Do you see this umbrella? Well, I bought it 11 years ago. I had it re-covered in 1902 :lid 1907, got three new ribs put in it in 1908, and exchanged it for a new one In a Glasgow restaurant on the 2nd of January.' " There is a good story told of a wellknown actor-manager who, although a follower of the sport of kimjs, bus one great dislike —that is betting. When anyone asks him what horse he is going to back he generally replies in the following way : "I'm going to back a little filly I've often backed before; I've never won anything on it. yet, strange to say, I've never lost a penny." " Oh. whatever horse is that " is the inquiry. "Oh, a little filly called Common Sense, ridden by Tommy Let-It-Alcnn." is the invariable reply. -—The theatre was crowded from floor to ceiling on the night of the meeting- of a famous local team and their equally wellknown opponents, and, needless to say, the audience contained a sprinkling of football enthusiasts eager to witness a stirring inelo drama. On the stage the hero, with faltering voice, was d< nouncing the villain for his treachery. " How is it that this .man persists in making foul charges behind mv back. and alwavs escapes the just penalty?" Swift as thought a hoarse voice from the gallerv bellowed forth: " P'r'aps 'e's a pal o' th' referee's, 'Enery !" - A temperance orator was not long ago holding forth in a workmen's hall, and was constantly being interrupted. At last he lured an ex-prizefighter to sit in the gallery and keep order. One night the orator contrasted the clean content of home life with the squalor of drunkenness. "What do wo want when we return home from our da'ly toil?" he asked. "What do we desire to ease our burdens. *o gladden our hearts, to brin&r smiles to our faces, and soncrs to our lips?" The orator paused, and the prizefighter shook his fist at the unruly members of fhe audience, and whispered : "Mind, T say. the fust bloke among you that »aj3 'Beer,' out ho goes."