FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3005, 18 October 1911, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

She: "Oh, how beautifully this pen writes. I declare I'm in love with it. He: "And I'm in love with the holder." A ■certificated nurse advertises her willingness to attend a "chromic lady." Much more satisfactory, no doubt, than a lady by fits. . to marry you?"—" ifes, in three years.'^ — •"Isn't that a good while to wait?" —"It may be; but she's worth her wait in gold. ' '•Why don't you marry Miss Fiftyfore?"— "i object to her past."—"But surely her past is all rightr'—"lt's all right, but there's such an awful lot of it." , . , "Well, my little man," said the kind old gentleman, "and how old are you?''— "Five," answered-the child."—"And what are you. going to be?"—"Six," was the quiet reply. "And so this is the end," said the hero,' as he bent over the form of the dying heroine, while the orchestra played soft, sad music.—" Thank heaven for that!" exclaimed a pathetic voice from the gallery. —"I suppose you hate to see your daughter marry?" said the young man.— "Yes, I do," admitted the father. "Her motber has made it a point to be mighty sweet-tempered while this courtship was going on." •'That was a pretty hard note Mr Clincher sent you."—"Yes," answered the debonair debtor. "But he didn't mean most of it. Ho has just employed a new typist. When ho dictated tnat letter he wo3 showing off." "Johnny," said the teacher, "this is the third time I have had to punish you this week. Why are you so naughty?"— "Because," answered the incorrigible youngster, "grandpa says the good die young, and I'm not taking any chances." "ilhe troops in khaki and puttees were on parade in a field next to a farmhouse. The old man who was quite interested in the drill, was suddenly heard to remark to his wife: "Mary, how on earth do they get their legs into those twisted trousers?" "Oh, Mr Bigihthead," remarked Miss Oldgirl, with a simper, "I've just seen 18 happy summers to-day."—"Only 18 happy ones!" replied he, with pity in his tone; "what an unhappy life you must have had."

"There is nothing more unsatisfactory than a boarding-house beefsteak," growled the chronic grumbler. —"Oh, I don't know," rejoined the impressionable young man. "Did you ever get a kiss from a pretty girl over the telephone?" Minister (approaching baptismal font): "The candidate for baptism will now be presented." Mother of Intended Candidate (in perturbed whisper to husband): "There! I knew we had forgotten something, Archibald. Run home, quick, and fetch the baby!" Gentleman (savagely to hairdresser): "You villain! That stuff you warranted to do away with the bald patches I had has taken every hair off my head !" Hairdresser: "Well, it has done away with the bald patches; your head's bald all over now !"

A student at a medical college was under examination. The instructor asked him: "Of what cause, specifically, did the people die who lost their lives at the destruction of Hereulaneum and Pompeii?"— "I think they died of an eruption. 6ir," answered the student.

"On the on© hand," said the teacher, pointing a long 1 finger to the map on the class-room wall, "we have the far-stretching country of Russia. On the other hand—what do we see on the other hand, Tommy?"—"Warts!" hazarded Tommy, hopeless with fright. "Fancy old Bill, of all people, going into the gunpowder shed with a lighted candle!" -remarked the proprietor of an explosive factory to his foreman. —"I should •have thought that would bo-the last thing he'd do."—"Which, properly speakin', it were, sir!" responded the foreman. "Now, then," said the auctioneer, holding, up a pair of antique silver candlesticks, "give me a start."- Two shillings!" came a voice at the hack of the room. —"What!" exclaimed the horrified auctioneer. —"Ah," said' the bidder in an undertone, and with a chuckle, "I thought that would give 'irh a start!" A quaintly-worded notice is often more effective than one framed in mere official terms. At Aber Falls is a notioe regarding the slippery condition of the rocks, making: climbing dangerous. The notice concludes as follows:—"In consequence of the above notice being disregarded, a stretcher is now/kept at the cottage below the'falls.". ': : The manager of the theatre racked his brain in vain. "We must do something," he repeated, bitterly. "People will expect us to do something to show respect to the proprietor, now that he is dead." —"Shall we close for the night of the funeral?" suggested the assistant stage manager.—■ "With this business? You're a fool, laddie —a fcol! No; put the chorus in black stockings." And it was even so. —An old Sootch gravedigger was remonstrated with one day for making a serious overcharge for digging a grave. "Weel, ye «ce, said the old man in explanation, making a motion with his thumb towards the grave, "him and me had a. bit o' a tiff! twa-three years syne ower a watch I selt him, and I've never been able tac get the money cot o' him yet. ' Noo,' says I tae ma'sel, 'this is ma' last chance, an' I'll better tak' it. " After a short meeting a little singing was indulged in by some of the members of a social gathering, and halfway down the programme the name of Miss Augusta Brown figured. Alas! however, when the time came for her to- appear a messenger arrived to say that the lady was suffering from a very bad cold, and therefore the chairman hnd to excuse her to the audience, "ladies and gentlemen," he said. "I have, to announce that Miss Brown will be unable to sing, as announced, and therefore Mr Brown will give, us 'A song of thanksgiving' !" A well-known shipowner tells the following story:—"Whenever I see a toothpick I think of a dinner that was given in Borne in honour of two Turkish noblemen. I sat near the younger of the noblemen. He glittered with gold embroidery and great diamonds, but nevertheless -1 pitied him sincerely, for he was strange to our table manners, and some of his errors were both ludicrous and painful. Towards the end of the dinner a servant brought to the youncr man a. plate of toothpicks. He waved the plate away. ' No, thank you.' he said: ' I have already eaten two of the awful things. I want no more!' "