FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2985, 31 May 1911, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

"Money is not at the bottom of everything-," sadly remarked the betting man as he plunged his hands deep down into Ims pockets. ..' , i i i She: "This is Maude's third husband, and they fed bore the name William, He: 'You don't say so! Why, tine woman is a regular Bill collector." Postman: "Bad luck, Mr Doolani Here's a black-edged letter for you." Mi." Doolan: "It's me poor brother Pat dead. Oi'd know his handwritin' any where! reformatory agent."—"How do you make that out?"—"Because it compels one to walk in tho straight and narrow path. "This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel."—"What payable connection is there between the two? "It's practically having words over nothing." Rustic: "What be you fislhin' for, mister?" Fisherman: "Oh—or—just r or recreation." Rustic: "Well, you won't catch any. There bo only minnows and cols there." "Forgive me for asking, dear, but papa «ay3 you can't meet you;: creditors."—" 'Tis false,'" dearest, I meet them every day. "Bless you, darling. I knew it wasn t true!"

Nell: "I have to read a paper on ' Ideal Women' at the next meeting of our ladies' club." Jack: "Well, all you need to do is to stand up and let them 1004 at you." . . ~ The teacher was telling about the different seasons: He asked: "Now, one of the boys, tell me which is the proper season to gather apples?" Johnnie: "When the dog's chained." "He's a financial genius. Spilt a cup of coffee over a. fellow's light-coloured. trousers "—"And got out of paying tor tho trousers, eh?"—"Why, hs talked the other fellow into paying for the coffee! Police Captain: "Now, how have you failed so completely in finding out about tho housebreaking?" Detective: YVeol, it's no ma fault. The reporters are dioon on me. an' they'll no tell me onythmg. ' —"I operated on Mrs Thomas bmn.h for appendicitis last night." "Goodness!" said the lad v. "I wonder who 11 nave it next'" "I don't know," tihe surgeon answered absently. "I haven't decided, yet. "Your wife is somewhat strongminded, isn't she, Lktlejohn?"—"Strongminded? A furniture-polish pedlar came here yesterday, and in five minutes she sold him some polish she had made herself " "Who was it," shouted the suffragette leader "who was it that did most to elevate woman?" "Why, the man who wuvented those high French heels, said a voice in her audience. Then the meeting adjourned. „ , , —Mr Sopht: "I see some fellah has an article in the papah entitled 'Have Wo Two Bwains or One?' What do you think of the question, Miss Flig'h?" Miss Fligh: "Well, really, between and me, l think wo have only one." \nxious Old Lady: "I say, my good man, is this boat going up or down Deckhand: "Well, she's a leaky auld tub, mem so I widna winder if she wis goin doon. But, then, again, her b'llers am no the best, so she micht gang up. Stranger: "What's the matter over there' What's the crowd doing: in front of that house?" Neighbour:,"The man. who lives thane has just inherited £20,000. Those are friends of his who have come to tell him how to invest his money. Jack Hardup (with unwonted enthusiasm) : "By JOTO! I see that some fellow is talking about introducing a bill into the House making- it a misdemeanour to send annoying letters to anybody. Very clever idea, that! I'll have my jailor locked up for six months,. by Jove ! _ __"£,oe here, landlord," said an angry tenant, after he had signed the contract for a year, "this house is full of sewergas."—"Yes; that's what I told you. "Told me?"—"Yes. You asked me if there was gas in every room, and I said there was." N . Emperor:' "I do not oaxe to near vour proposition, sir. Everything that is submitted must first by put tfc.rou.gh the Prime Minister." Subject: "Nothing would please me better. I wanted to show you the new bayonet which I have invented for army use." . —An attendant at an institute tor the deaf and dumb was undergoing a rapid fire inquisition at the .hands of a female visitor. "But how do you summon these poor mutes to church?" she asked finally. "By rinsing the dumb-bells, madam," retorted the exasperated attendant. Sunday School Teacher: "I told you last Sunday that I wished each of you would try "to make at least one person happy during the week. Did you?" Boy: "Yes, miss: I made orrandma bappv.' "That's noble. How did you do it?"— "I went to visit her, and she's always happy when she sees I've got a good appetite." —To his •mother came a little boy. crvino- anfl rubbing one of his eves. "Well, what did tfce "chemist say?" tho parent asked. "He said I had got a foreign substance in my eye," Tommy replied. "And I don't, wonder at your getting pucih a thing," the mother said severely, "seeing that you will persist in pWipg with the Italian organ-grinder's boys!" '-'So I hear you've made a lot of money on the Stock Exchange?" said the 3-oung man's uncle. —"Yes. sir." —"Tint shows how one may, with proper \\x<ik and promptness, succeed if he will only take advantage of his iprorrunitio s ." —"But I lost that and several thousands more today."—"Youncr man, how often have I told you that such transactions are merely gambling, and the* von are bound' to romo to grief sooner or later if you dabble in them?" Resourceful Showman.—The chief attraction on the programme of an itinerant circus was a performing elephant, one of whose accomplishments was playing the piano. On onn occasion, however, when the docilf animal was led into the arena and conducted to the open piano, instead of tcucihwvr the keys, it suddenly wheeled round, uttering lugubrious cries. There was a brief consultation between the proprietor and the animal's keeper; then the proprietor came forward and mad© this announce, ment:—"Ladies and Gentlemen, —I reeret to have to inform von that until another piano o. Q jn bo obtained this part of the performance cannot be carried out. The elephant is a most intelligent and sympathetic animal, and the affectionate creature has recognised in the ivory keys of tho instrumar.i. tho tiisfos of hia mother 1 ."