FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2929, 4 May 1910, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

A busy roar* bas no time to be miserable. —Wi>ispcre< /canda. always rounds like a stage whispei. - The. stoat widow's chances ot marrying again are u-suallj slim. ■- It's easy for a woman to foot a man who thinks he can't be fooled. Give but iittle advice and applaud frequently '{ you would be popular • Somf girls "magine they are pretty as a picture because thej are painted. Almost &c much sympathy is wasted on the v.ndei dog as on the henpecked husband. Lawyer: ' Whai is yotr. occupation t Witness: "I'm a piano finisher" Lawyer: "Be a little more definite. Do you polish them or move them?" She'. " Historj .tpeats itself, you ..now ' He: "Not always. You never *ieard of t r;?r. ->lorjing more than once did you?' doctor?"—"Yes, I do."—"What do you think she needs?" —"A new hat and a now dress." "Nature plans well for, mankind's needs." —" I should say so. What could be more convenient than ears to hook spectacles over?" —"Hullo, old chap! What are you doing ' 'n the chemist's?" —"I want something for my head." —" H'm! How much do you reckon you'll get?'' peering into the pages of an uncut magazine, how do they manage to get the printing in there?" —" Dc you think that, our Joe's inventions will work?" 'asked Mrs Corne. "1 hope so," answered her husband. "I know well that Joe won't " 6hall take poison." Ethel "Well, don't forget that papa keeps a chemist's shop, and his aim is to please." --"Confound you sir; What do you mean bj jamming your umbrella in my eye?"—' Don't get excited. This isn't my umbrella; I borrowed it." —Mistress "You seem <o vanfc very large wages for one so inexperienced." Biddy: " Shure, mum. isn't it harder for me when 1 don't, know how." A. : " Don't you think I am fortunate in having such a talented mother-in-law? She has written some brilliant songs without words." B.: "Incredible!" "Pooi' follow, he died in poverty."— "Thac Isn't anything. Dying in poverty is no hardship: it's living in poverty that »>uts the thumbscrews on a fellow " Boy (to tramp) : " Don't you get fearfully tired, of doin' nothin', mister?" Tramp: " Terrible! But I never complains. Everybody has theii troubles." "Yes?"—"l notice you modify its size to your various auditors." —" Well. I never tell a man more than I think he'll believe." May: '' There were several army officers there, but not one of them asked me to dance." Belle: "And they are accustomed to the smell of powder, too!" At the jeweller's. Enter nervous youth. After a pause: " Urn, ab. er-er-er. Er! He-he !" Jeweller (to assistant) 'Henry, pass me the tray of engagement rings." —" Lottie : what would you do if you woke up some night and found a burglar in your room 9 "—"lf he was hunting for money I'd get up and help him to hunt." "Yes, I discovered a burglar in our parlour last night."—" My gracious • Did you faint?" —"No; I tried to catch him, but " —" Ah i your usual luck with men, eh?" Firs., Motor.st: "'Hullo. Jones' 1 thought J recognised your voice. Come and have ? drink old chap." Second Motorist: " Excuse ne I'rr not Mr Jones; I'm his eisJbr' Lord Tomnoddy to American heiress: " Since X met you I have only one thought."—" Well, that's one more than you had when we met" she replied consolingly. —"Yes. I have seen the day wher Mr Rich, the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet." —"And when was that, pray?"—"At the time he was bathing." M P. (on the stump ■ '' Gentlemen, in all my career I have never been approached with a hribe." Voice from the audienoa: " Cheei up. old man. Your luck may change." —" Don't be afraid o, the bacon, Mr Jenkins," said the landlady to the new lodger. " Not at all, madam. I've seen a -piece twice as large, and it did not frighten me a bit." Nelly • " So you are engaged to young Wilson, eh? I thought you said your love for him was purely pfatonic?" Helen : " And it was before be inherited £SOOO and asked me to marry him." : —Jones: "1 hear the storm blew your tent down?" Circus Fakir: "Worse than that. The rain gave the sword-swallower a sore throat and washed all the designs off the tattooed -nan." '— Beck (despondently): '* I said something my wife didn't like, and she hasn't spoken to me for two days." Peck (eagerly): " Can you '•emember what it was you said?" Mrs Jims: "Madam Snipper has perfected a wonderful invention." Mrs Tims: "What is it?" Mrs Jims: "A revolving hat. It works so that the congregation can see all sides of it." Lady (to greengrocer's messenger): "1 have some left-off children's clothing. Would they be of any use to you? Are you married?" —'No, indeed, I'm not, ma'am, and itV the only bit of good luck J ever had." Hospital Doctor . ' Well, my man, and how did you like the port wine and egg I ordered you?" Patient: "Well, doctor, I should have liked it all right if only the port was. as old as the egg and the egg was as new as the port." "The waj to run the country," said the egotist. " is to put thoroughly wise, capable, alert, and honest men in control of all affairs."—" Yes,' answered Miss Cayenne, " but what are wa going to do? There's only one of you." Elder Sister: " Come, Clarence, take your powder like a man; you never heard me make f complaint about a little thing like that." Clarence "Neither would 1 if I could daub it on my faoe. It's swallering H that 1 don't like." Friend: "Why do you encourage these roman-suffrage meetings? Surely you don't approve of them?"- Husband:, "Approve?

With all my heart! T can .come home as late as I like now without finding - my wife at home to ask questions.' 1 advocate of woman's rights, "that men live faster than womenV" "I am sure they do," replied the mere man. " I was just 10 months older than my wife when we married ; now I arr 42. and she vr 50 last week." Mrs Youngbride • " Mrs Smith says there is lots of cream on, her milk bofctko every morning. Why is there never any on yours?" The Milkman: "I'm too honest, lady, that's why. I fill my bottles so full that there ain't never no room left for cream." —He was settling with the landlady about his new lodgings. After enlarging upon the comparative luxury he was about to enjoy in her house she said: "And this is the bath, a nice bath, which if ever you should think of using I dessay we could find another place for the coal."