FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 2856, 9 December 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY

— Success is the ability to forget failure. I —We learn to do by doing — also by being done. — One need not be & magician to put life in talk. I . — It's easier to talk philosophy than to I live up to it. — You can't play truant from the school of experience. —It is almost as easy to give advice- as it ie to reject it. — The meanest people give themselves away occasionally. — Fortune sometimes overtakes a man. who is not a fugitive. ■j— If a man doesn't think he's clever, it'» because he's good-looking. —In the garden of character, the weed of fastest growth is vanity. — It is often hard 1 to be honest, but not necessarily honest to be hard. v — You can become quite popular with • some men by leaving them alone. — Many a man has his nose to the grindstone without sharpening- his- wits; — People who have no troubles don't know what they have to be thankful for. — "Is he a self-made man?" — "Well, he had to make himself scarce several times." — Envy is the habit of extracting our v own misery out of : the happiness of others. — A pretty girl is apt to be less interesting- than the- bank account of a plain old , maid. ' , — A woman, often thinks she is marrying a tower of strength, only to Had out it is a- crooked stick. — "Did you ever have the feeling thatpeople didn't understand you?" — "I' often' have it; I use the telepjbsne a great deal;" ' —"I heard him behind" the door pleading for 'juet one.' They must be engaged." — "No; they're married. It was a shilling he was pleading for." — Burglar: "Did you ever study geometry, Bill?" Bill: "Yes." Burglar; "Good! I. wish you'd 1 " tell me how to square a straight policeman." — He : "Alice, you've been eating onions again?" She: "Yes, dear." He: "Well, come- out with me in my motor car, and see if I' can't take your breath away." — "Poor- man !" said the inquisitive, odd, lady. "I expect you'll be glad when, your time is up, won't you?" — "No, mum; not particklerly," replied the prisoner. "I'm.in fur life." — "You have an enormous appetite,'^ said a thin man} enviously. "What do you. take for it?" — "In all my experience," replied his plump friend, "I have found , nothing- more suitable than fpod I" — "I've got you down for * couple ofu tickets. We're getting, up a raffle for a poor man in our neigh " — "None for me, thank you. I would not know what to do with a poor man if I won him." —"I guess my father must have been, bad," said one youngster. — "Why?" inquired v the other. — "Because he. v know» exactly what questions to ask when he wants to know what I have been- doing," — "What'tr the wages, mum?"/ asked the applicant for a situation as cook. — "I'm willing to pay you whatever you are worth," was the reply. — "I've never worked for so little as that, mum. Good day to you." — "Wiry do you encourage^ your husband to- talk politi-cs?" said one woman. "So that he won't talk religion," answered the other. "I think it is so muca leas undignified for him to lose his temper about politics." — Jfirst Office Boy; "I told the governor to look at the dark circles under my eyes and see if I didn't need a half-day on.' 1 Second Office Boy: "What did he say?" , First Office Boy : "He said I needed' a halfbar of &oap." — "There are some points- about your writings that resemble Milton," 6aid tho editor. — 'Do you think so?" cried the delighted author. — "Yes," the editor continued; "you employ almost the eaina punctuation marks. ' — Lecture upon the rhinoceros. Professor: "I must beg you to give mo your undivided attention. It is absolutely impossible that you can form a. true idea, of this hideous animal unless you keep your cye3 firmly fixed on me." — Two workmen were carrying a largo pieoe of timber through the yard, when the manager accosted one of. them. — "Joe, you've got that batten upon the wrong shoulder." — "Aw knaa that," was- the wjtty reply. "It should be upon, yours." — The conversation had turned on people who were skilful in imitating animals. "Your stories are, very, extraordinary, gentlemen," said a listener, "but I once» had. a friend who crowed so well that " "Well?"— " The sun. rose by him." — "Very slippery the floor, remarked a young man, as the band played a popular waltz. "It's jolly hard to keep on your feet."— "Oh,- then, you are trying to keep on my feet, are you?" said $tis partner. "I thought at first it was accidental." — "Bridget," said Mrs Hiram Often sternly, "on my way home just now I saw the policeman who was in the kitchen with you so long last evening, and I took occasion to speak to him " — "Oh, shure, that's all roight, ma'am. Oi'm not jealous." — Gentleman Lodger: "I &ay, Mrs Napper, I don't care for your bacon thi3 morning ! It doesn't seem, fresh." Mrs Napner : "Very strange, sir ! The shopman said it was only cured last week." Gentleman Lodger: "Wall, it must have had a relapse." "Klexer has painted the picture of a winter landscape so well that if youlock afc it long you seem to get quite cold."— "That's nothing. You ought to see Schmiruiaky's 'Flight.' It is so realistic that after the first look you are obliged! to take to your heele." — There is a bright future- before th* small boy who, asked why. he had 1 not gone? to school/ on the previous day, replied that he had read in books that great and successful men usually started life without educational advantages, and that he wa giving th© thing a trial. — "Father, why cannot I rise in the world tho same as other men?" asked a. boy ofc his father, who was a farjner. "Pox instance, why cannot I some day becomeSecretary for Agriculture?" — "Too Ikber, too late, my son ! You. know too much, about fawnin' !" rejoined the old man. — "What are you. doing here?" said' the woman, to the tramp, who had got over the wall just in time- to escape the bulLdog. — "Madam," he said 1 , with dignity, "X did intend to request fiometbin' to eat, but all I ask now is that in the intere&Ut of humanity, you'll feed that dog." — Wife (at 7 a.m.) ; 'Now, deny you*

condition -last evening- ! Here you .are- with your hat and shoes on. Don't tell me you didn't come home the worse for drink!" Husband: "Not a bit, dear. You know I have lately taken to walking in my -steep, and I thought I'd go to bed prepared." — "You are looking very gloomy to-day, Tomkins. What' 6 the matter?"— " Matte r! Do you know Miss IPascoe, the >old maid that lives over the way? Dawkins -told -me that she was engaged to him, so just for the fun of the thing I went and proposed to her, and she. accepted .me; «nd.now L'm looking for Daw kins."

— Distressed at his son's refusal to -enter the ministry, and his preference for dealing in horses, a worthy 'farmer .in -Oie ''Midlands was telling his sorrow to a neighbour. "Oh," said -the latter, "don't take it too much to heart. I believe Tom -will lead more men to repentance -as a horse dealer than ever he would as > minister."

— During the progress o£ a. tla-weuit a witness was asked whether the .defendant ■was not a lazy fellow. "Well," answered the man in the box, "I don't want to -do the man any injustice. I .won't jgo co far as to say he's la?y, but if it required any voluntary work on iiis part to digest his victuals he would die from lack of nourisnment'" - • • - - — Johnnie," said his' father. '?I am surprised to hear that you have -dared -to •dispute .with" -your mother." — "But she was •wrong, pa.," replied Johnnie. — "That has nothing to do witn -it," said -the .boy?s father; "you might just as well profij; -by my experience^ and learn once for all that ■when a woman says a thing is _60, it is bo, whet-ker it is so -or not."

— The olas3 was studying grammar. "Xow," said the teacher, "can anyone give Tii e a -word ending with ' o.ue,' 'meaning

.ull of, as in 'dangerous,,' full of danger, <md ' hazardous,' full of hazard?" There Vos a silence in the clae3 for a moment. y. % hen a" boy sitting in the front row put h :it his hand. "Well, John," said ,the •fceacher, "what is your word?" — "Please, I r," oame the reply, " ' pious,' full pi pie."

— Two of the actors in a recent pageant -net on the dey appointed for d, reas re " .eareal. One was .dressed in full coat of nail, and the other armed as a knight errant with steel helmet and cuirass complete. The most comfortable-looking of she two exclaimed to .his friend, mho -was iheavily laden: "What a capital , get-up, old man! I am the -emblem of ''Defence, not defiance.' By the way, Are you Appvas Claudius?" The -reply came in short .nasps:. "No, .sir! 1 am Jiot happy as Claudius. I'm miserable as possible."

— FJannigan, who returned to the •barracks rather late one -night, was challenged v the ©entry in the usual way: "Who .oca there?" ' "Lord Roberts," replied

'fomnigfin. "Who goes there?" repeated 'v 3 estntry angrily. ''Lord JRoberte," attain' returned Flanndgon. Thereupon, the sentry Lit him upon tiio- head with the butt end. of his 'rifle. When last I -saw' Flaarnlgvm he wae lying in the hospital, '-with bis ihead fivcathgd in bandage. "Why didn't you tell -the sentry who you were?" T asked him. "Ah!" replied Flarmrigan, '-'if he'd do this to Lord Roberts, what would he 'aye done to Flanmigan ?" — 'vA drill sergeant, whose «everity had made him unpopular with his company, was pu-ttingr'.a squad' of recruits- through the funeral exercise. Opening the rank*, j « «s to .admit the passage of a cortege j between them, 'the instructor, by way o£ , practical .explanation, walked 6lowly .down ■ she lane formed by the two ranks, 6aying as he difc! j»o : M Now, I jam the corpse. Pay | attention!" Having reached the end of the ' lane, "he turned round, -regarded the re- ; cruits with a scrutinising eye, and then remarked: "Your 'ands is right, and your 'cads is right, but you 'aven't got that look of regret you ought to 'aye !"

— "My friends." announced an. unconventional .Hyde Park preacher after a vain appeal for a liberal collection, "here as a parable." -He produced two coins, -a fivcehilling piece and a penny, from his pocket and held them up before the assemblage. *'Theae two coins ifell a-talking one day. Said the five-ahillmg piece to the penny, * Oh, you're a poor thing ! I'm worth sixty of you.' 'That may be,' replied the penny ; ' but there's one respect in which I beat you easily.' "What's that?'' asked the_ iive-shilling piece contemptuously. ' Why,' replied the penny, wifh much complacency, ' I go to ohuxoh far, far oftener than you do !' "