EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2842, 2 September 1908, Page 86

EDITOR'S WALLET.

Where the Gate Came From. The Sl-uehton Football Club had a very unenviable record of defeats,* and after one ! match, , in . which they were defeated by 11 — 0, a disgusted patron spoke up pretty ] plainly to one of tine committee members. ! "You deserved to lose !" he ejaculated. "Look at Wilkes ! He jumps about like a pea on a hot shovel, and knows as much about football, as a cat about mathematics." "Ah !" responded the committee man, "and you know nothing 1 about the management of a football club. Wilkes isn't a crack player, but he has more relatives than have the reejb of the team put together. I/ose Wilkes, and bang goes half the gate .'" Starched Pyjamas. Maggie was that rare creation, a perfect laundress, and the Jones family rejoiced ' in her, -with the exception of Mr Jones, who said that he did not approve of , Maggie starching his pyjamas, and* Mire j Jones promised that Maggie should be spoken to. "Maggie," she begun diplomatically, "you need not be so very particular about Mr ' Jones's pyjamas. Don't starch them at ail; just iron them out smoothly." Maggie looked at Mrs Jonee reprovingly. j "Sure, ma'am," ehe responded, "I don't ! begrudge the work. It's mesilf wants Ssr Jones's office clothes to look as well as I can make 'em." 3fr Balfour's Little Joke. Her© is the- story of an incident which happened during one of Mr Balfour's motor journeys. With him was a friend, formerly ; in -the House of Commons and now Recorder of a certain city. The chauffeur was eignaUed by a Surrey constable to stop. Mr Balfour was his own chauffeur. The constable insisted that the speed was ovei-the limit. The ex-Prime Minister was • sure it was not. "Well, look at your indicator." "Er — haw — well, I haven't an indicator," said Mr Balfour sweetly, "but" — with em- I I phasfc — "I've got a 'Recorder.' " j As the policeman did not know what that might be, and fearing to show his own ignorance- if a prosecution should follow, ; -he withdrew his hand, and Mr Balfour and -the Recorder, all smiles, continued their drive. The constable was left wondering what the motorists were laughing at. A Gentle Hint. A statesman at a dinner told a tipping 1 story. "There used .to bs an old fisherman," he said, "who brought me the first of the month a present of splendid' salmon from his master. I always gave the old fisherman a tip. v "But one morning I was very busy, and when the old' man brought the fish I thanked him hurriedly, and, forgetting his tip, bent over my desk -again. He hesitated! a moment, then cleared his throat and said: " 'Sir, would ye be so kind as to ' put it in writin' that ye didn't give me no tip this time, or my wife'll think I've went and spent it on rum.' " Bachelors' Drill. "Fail in" — love with some good and industrious young woman. ! "Attention" — pay her faithfully and respectfully. "Right face-" — in popping the question like a man. "Quick march" — to her parents and ask their consent. "File right" — with her ix> church and go through the service ot matrimony,. "Halt" — and reflect seriously upon the new duties you. have assumed, and then perform them.

I ■•"Right about face" — from tihe haunts you ! have frequented when single. j i "Advance arms" — to your young wife when out walking, and never leave her to trail behind. "Break off"— staying out at night and all other bad habits if you would have a happy home. ) Quite Hopeless. I They stood beneath "the vine-coloured arbour pt the southern end op the garden, ' somewhere about page 352, and gazed long and earnestly into each other's eyes. "My life's adored !" murmured the man. ; "My own — my very own — may I call you J so? Thank you, thank you ! Then will you, ' sweet one, consent to become my wife?" j "Ah," she responded, her frame convulsed with sobs, "would that you had not j spoken, Gerald, -for I can never be your >wife." "But you love me?" he queried anxiously. "Yes, yes !" she replied "Then why — why" — the man's voice vibrated with, passion — "why can you never marry me, if there's no earthly reason to ' prevent it?" J "Betause," she answered, in a tone of ! helpless despair, "I am the heroine in al,a 1 , woman's novel!" And as he realised the insuperability of the obstacle before them, he glided softly into the forty-seventh chapter. Bulls. A collection of "bulk" is given in* the ' English Illustrated Magazine, from which the following specimens are taken: — Dux—' lag a debate upon the second oreading of the Irish Land Bill in 1896 Lord Londonderry concluded a period with : • "This is 'the keystone of the bill; are you goinjr to kill It?" Sir Frederick Milner, speaking- on the '. Budget, «tid: "A cow may be' drained dry; and if Chancellors of the Exchequer persist in meeting every deficiency that occurs by taxing the brewing and distilling industry, they will inevitably kill tihe cow that lays the golden milk." j Lord Curzon : "The interests of the em- j ployers and employed are the came nine times out of ten — I will say ninety-nine j tijnes out of ten." | Discussing Mr Aequith'f Licensing Bill 1 at a meeting at Shoreditoh on March 19, a member of Parliament wrought up the great audience to a frenzy of enthusiasm by declaring that "the time had come to j strip to the wai6t and tuck up our «hirt 6leeves." Shattered His Hopes. Mr Sihollicke wes very angry. Someone 1 had broken hie favourite meerschaum and replaced it in its case. He questioned his wife and the servants about it, but they alike professed to be unaware that it had happened. Presently his only son came in. "George," eaid his excited parent, "do you know anything about this broken pipe?" "Father," sobbed the lad, "I,oannot tell a lie. Forgive me, father ! It was "I wEo did it. I cannot tell & lie!" M«r Sihollicks patted the boy's head', in intimation that the offence was forgiven, and then rushed from the house to melt into an agony of tears. But it was not the shattering of his meerschaum that distressed him now. Ha had quite forgotten ft. A worse thing had befallen him, "Heaven help me !" he moaned., "Ever since my son was born it has been my ambition, my dearest wish,- to rear 'him for my «own profession; and now — and now ! Oh, it is a cruel blow!" For Mr Sihollicks was a lawyer! Six Flights for a PC. Where there's a will there's a way. The poor young student, who lived at tihe top of the sixtlf flight, had had a scufHe with the local postman. The poor student

got the worst of it, and a black eye, bui he pluokily shook his Sst and cried, "Re* !" aaid then settled down, to think. That was' >n the Monday morning. On the Tuesday the poor student was busy. He v»as writing postcards— dozens — scores— hundreds— and, wonderful to relate, a 1 addressed to himself ! On the other side were written the three words; "Beg my pardon !" There were four posts every day, and one hundred and 1 twenty steps in the six flights. Each post brought a single postcard to the student with, invariable regularity, and the unlucky postman was thus forced to go up and down 960 steps every day in order to deliver four separate- postcards. He held out valiantly for three weeks, but succumbed at last through nothing more or lees than sheer fatigue. From which it will be seen that attio bed-sitting rooms have their advantages. To Suit All Tastes. There was a loud-voiced Cheap Jack at A country market recently. "Spelling- books) Ladies and gentlemen!" he shouted, for a little crowd had gathered. "This is the book for everyone, the book for everywhere, the book, the book !" He tossed it up and caught it as it fell. Then he went on: "The uook for everyone, see? Encyclopaedia of eighty pages ; recipes for every dish that was ever cooked; att the new dishes .that never were cooked; formulae for the toothache; agreeable stories for old 'women; av+reatise. for young women on" the art of getting husbands; how to cure bunions without amputation ; how to plant cabbages when the moon is not full; how to breed rabbits; how to interpret dreams; ibow to tell fortunes; how to get a divorce; how to reckon up the interest on a mortgage; / the book for everybody!" After all this palaver no •one bought & single copy. The Cheap Jack looked over the crowd 1 with disgust that could not be disguised. "Ladies and gentlemen," he remarked, "I forgot to mention that in. this incomparable book there is a blank page — fox those who cannot read!"