FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2817, 11 March 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

■ — "If you refuse me I shall never love another woman." — "Does that promise stand good if I accept you?" — Going: to law ie a good bit like goingabroad. You want to book your return passage while you have the money. Ned: "I believe there is a skeleton in Robinsor's family." — Ted: 1- I know it. I saw him in bathing costume yesterday." — A young lady who has been putting some of her old Jove-letters in the -fire says she still feels love to be a. burning question. — A man and his wife are considered one, but there are a?t to be frequent arguments due to an attempt to settle which is the one. • — Tom: "What do you understand to ba meant by the word 'ennui'?" — Ethel: "It means that one does nothing, and is too tired to stop." — Of Course Not ! — "You seem to take a great interest in golf, Miss Jones. Do you play?"— "Oh, dear, no! I shouldn't even knov how to hold the caddy I" — The enterprising vagabond who is organising a brass band of 20 women says that if they learn half as many "airs" as they put on the experiment cannot fail to be a success. — "Yes," said the artist, as he displayed another^ of his paintings, "I studied abroad." "I thought as much," remarked the critic ■ "I -never saw a sunset like that in thie country." — Mrs Klubbs (severely) : " I've been lying awake these three hours "waiting for you to come home." Mr Klubbs (ruefully) : "And I've been staying away three hours, waiting for you to go to sleep." — "You must have a good appetite," remarked the thin man, enviously. "What do you take for it?" "In all my experience," remarked the plump one, "I have found nothing more suitable than food." — He had loved, and the indications were that he had lost. "I wonder what your father sees in me to object to," he said. "Oh. he doesn't see anything in you," rejoined the maiden fair. "That is why he objects." — Father : "It's only fair to tell you that I'm pleased with your economy this term. Your requests for money were too frequent last term." Son : "Yes, father, I thought, so, too ; so this term I've had everything on tick." — Lady: "After I gave you that nice -dinner you didn't saw that wood." Tramp: ''Pardon me, lady. Your grammar is bad. You should say, 'You didn't see that wood,' and then you're wrong. I saw it when I came in.'" — Mrs Hayrix (reading) : "This paper says th' doctors hey discovered another new disease, Hiram." Hayrix: "Huh! I wish th' r-esky critters would stop lookin' fer new diseases long enuff tew .hunt UP a cure fcr th' rheumatiz." — A pfltient in a hospital had to be fed on a daily diet of egg and port wine. His physician asked him now he liked it. "It would b? all right, doctor," he said, "if the egfc 1 was as new -as ."the port -and the port as old as the egg." — "You're a tattle-tale," said little Harry to his small sister. "You run and tell mamma everything that happens." "Well, I ain't .as bad as you are," rejoined the little girl. "You tell her a lot of things that don't happen at all." — Clerk: "You can't get a room here for that man ; he's drunk. Man (supporting a weary friend) : "That's all right. What of that? ' Clerk: "This is a temperance hotel." Man: "Well, he's too drunk to know the difference." — "What are they moving the church for?" — "Well, stranger, I'm mayor of these digging, and I'm for law-enforcement. We've got an ordinance what says no saloon shal: be nearei than. 300 ft from a church. I gave 'cm 4 three days to move the church." — Patience: "Do you know anything about this Esperanto we see so much" about in -the papers?" Patrice: "No, I really do not. There are so many of these new breakfast foods being advertised that it is hard for one to keep up with them." — "What's the judge going to ck> nowj" askeci the green juror in a whisper. "He's going to charge "the jury," said the foreman. "Cl.arge the jury? Charge us? What for? Wo don't have to pay nothin' for the privilege of sitting on the jury, do we?" — "No," she said, softly, "you may not kibs me. Science tells us that disease is too often transmitted by the lips' contact." Taking- her white hand he murmured: "I have~~no ailment save an affection of the heart, and I would dearly love to give you j that." I — John was returning home from a spree one morning when he came across Farmer Jones digging potatoes. "Look here," said John, "if you give me a couple of shillings I'll lift some of your tatties." "Man," said the -farmer, 'Til gie ye two shullin's if ye promise tae lift Jiae mair o' them." — "One is moot dangerous when you see its teeth, the other when you don't;" remarked the man who seemed to be talking to himself. "What are you talking* about?" queried the party with the rubber habit, who had accidentally overheard the remark. "Bulldogs and buzz saws," answered the j noisy thinker. — Pat . "Shure, an' this is a moighty auare wurrld." Mick : "How's that now, Pat?" Pat: "Well, it's loike this. Yez know how Jim Finnegan jjot £50 for the black eye he got in that train accident, andhere's me wid two black eyes an' me head all smashed up an' had to pay 10s at the police court for it !" —An eminent man, who is a strict abstainer -from both wine and animal food, is obliged, in consequence of this peculiarity, to refrain from dining out. He entertains, howover, an occasional kindred spirit. One such wa-j recently at his table. "You ought to have seen them," said the eminent man's son, "wioting over boiled carrots !" — The late Lord Longford and a Mr White going out shooting in Ireland agreed each to carry what the other shot. Mr White did~badly, whilst his lordship, on the othpr hand, was very lucky. His lord«hip rallied his companion considerably on the s. mall ness of his bapr, but Mr White at last "gor even." He shot a pig, paid the farmer for it, and then said: "Now, mv lord, trere's something for you to carry." Lord Longford, in honour bound, added the porker to his load.' — Two Irishmen were on bad terms with eaoh other The friend of one claimed 1 that he had been insulted, and urged him to vindicate his honour. But he prudently objected. "Look at the size of him. The man's a giant." "Very well," responded his disgusted friend, "then all the people will say you are a coward." "Well, I dunno," he replied placidly. "At any rate, i I'd rayther have them 6ajin' that than the

day after to-morrow exclaiming: 'Ho* natural Flaherty looks!'"