TO PLYMOUTH.

Otago Witness, Issue 2809, 15 January 1908, Page 89

TO PLYMOUTH.

(By Rev. W. Thomson.)

Several months ago the Sydney Morning Herald, in a leading article, said in effect, that the days of the globe-trotter, with his silly little impressions, were gone. I believe the Herald. Most " impressions " which I have read within the last two or three years were "blether." The word is not too polite —but, like a good few more of Scotch origin, it is expressive — and needs no enlargement to make the sense plain. Some men should never travel, or if they do they should mever sin against an innocent public by writing their " impressions." I shall avoid them in toto. The difference between " impressions " and " facts " is, or may be, that between a " will-o'-the-wisp " and an " electric " light, and when by-and-bye I come to talk of Scottish witches, of haunted houses, and ghosts that prowl N the Highlands by night, those who take the trouble to read this tele will see the difference, but the pudding is proved by preeing. I should like to assure your readers, before going further, that I have no cause of complaint against any of the officers, et&wards, or men in the ships which were my home for several weeks. Commanders M'Beth, Collins, and Hemming of the Warrimoo, Ortona, and Miowera respectively were very superior men — kindly, thoughtful, and polite. As for stewards, I never yet met a bad one. They were all reaUy good fellows, and always ready and willing to render any service with cheerfulness at any hour of the day — or for that matter a.t night too. Of course "growlers" were in evidence, but one has to sympathise with them. lueir complaint does not arise from bad livers or kidneys, nor even from bad stomachs (tho' sometimes I suspected stomachs which were too good), but from the fact that their relations with heaven were not properly adjusted. Further explanation is unnecessary. My evangelical friends quite understand me. Growling is an index to the soul's health, which no amount of Christmas pudding can cure. Soap and water and the costliest tailor only render it more offensive. Sometimes it is the very devil, and when a female devil it is worse than the continual dropping on a rainy day. I wonder -occasionally what will the portion of the chronic growlers be in the 'world to come — bnt no further.

The R. 11.5. Ortona left, Sydney on the 4th of May. Everything was pleasant and everybody- was happy. It is wonderful how soon one gets to like the conditions of town life on the sea. We had over 600 passengers and more than 150 of a crew. The steadiness of the boat was generally remarked on. Bilge keels was eaid to be the cause, but the Ortona .enjoys the reputation of being a splendid sailor, and of having avoided or missed storms sroce she was launched.' There may be something in luck after all. The days pass pleasantly, and with books, games, concerts, and agreeable comjga.nionfiliifl tim ws

weeks' voyage to Tilbury passes all too quickly Social life is a feature of every voyage, and dinner, which was served at 7 p.m., is the social meal of the day. I had the very good fortune to have some altogether excellent men as my table companions on. the homeward journey. The tales which were retailed at, or after dinner, in the smoking- room, often helped to add to the enjoyment, and some of them, though not all new, may bear to be retold.

THE IRISHMAN'S TALE.

The power of habit is very extraordinary, and to show how difficult it is for a man to break with it, I will relate the following incidetat which occurred when I was travelling in South America. My cabin companion was a solicitor, and when our vessel called at one of the ports he thought he would have a fivepound Bank of England note which he had in his purse changed into gold. On returning to the ship he looked at his five sovereigns, and becoming suspicious that one was bad metal he put it between his teeth to test it. At that moment, whether a steward gave him a push or the ship suddenly gave a lurch, he swallowed the sovereign. I rushed for the doctor, and besrged him to bring a strong emetic to fetch the sovereign up again. The emetic was duly administered, but do what the doctor would, we could only get thirteen shillings and fourpence out of him.

THE SCHOLAR'S TALE.

Some years ago when I was staying in Constantinople there wa6 a very pious Jew there whose son carried on business in tne city and whose grandson was similarly engaged in Jerusalem. The old man became very ill, and, realising that his end was near, he requested his son to bury him in the Holy City oi his fathers. The expense of sending a corpse from Constantinople to v Jerusalem was excessive, and the son to carry out his father's dying wisxies had the body embalmed into pastourma, and committed the parcel to a Aiohammedan merchant who was travelling to the East, and who undertook to deliver it to his son in Jerusalem. On his arrival the Jew asked the°Mohammedan if he had a parcel of pr.stourma for him, to whom he replied that he had when he left Constantinople, but, becoming faint by the way, he tried it and found it so palatable that he ate it all before he arrived. The Jew flew into a passion, and, seizing the Turk by the throat, would have choked him nad not a gendarme prevented him. " You Gentile - villain, you uncircumcised hog," he exclaimed, "you have ruined me, you have made me unhappy and miserable for evermore. Why; you have eaten my grandfather." The Mohammedan now trembled, his face grew pale as death, his knees 6hook, and tears welled into his eyes. The thought flasned on him that, having eaten a Jew, he was forever defiled and lost all hope of entering paradise. The matter came before the Kadi, who found the Jew was entitled to the price of a box of pastourma equal in size to that which he should have received, and that the Turk was entitled to receive all the Jew possessed, inasmuch as having eaten a Hebrew he was forever denied, and this was only reasonable compensation. In Chicago and the Cannibal Islands no such horror is felt. I am not, however, going to advertise Mr Upton Sinclair ; but is it open to debate whether the East is not in some ways superior to the West?

THE ACTRESS'S TALE

You must all have observed how some men profess to love a theory which in their hearts they hate. Prohibitionists sometimes profees great enthusiasm for their own pet scheme, but- theirs is "a profession" and no more. To illustrate my point I will tell you of a couple, husband and wife, who lived in Sydney and who were professedly ardent prohibitionists. The husband, feeling unwell, asked his wife to go for the doctor, who arrived before the good wife returned. " Let me feel youx pulse," said the doctor to the sick prohibitionist. " Not so bad. Put out your tongue. Yes, it might be better, but nothing very wrong with it. Why, all you require is a little stimulant. Take a little whisky once or twice a day in water and you'll soon pick up." Ah," said the invalid prohibitionist, " I -am a teetotaler, and my wife is very strict — oh! very strict. If she thought that I took liquor I believe she would "let me know all about it. And mind you," he added suggestively, "she has a mind of her own." "You don't need to put a match to the powder," the doctor Teplied. "Just get it on the q.t., put a little in your tumbler when you're shaving, and you will be all Tight soon." Next day the wife rushed for the doctor, and with more purpose in her voice than affection in her eye she urged : " Doctor, doctor, do come at onee — at onee — immediately — don't wait a moment. I believe my husband has been shamming. He has deceived me — not the first time either. He says he's quite well and strong; but do you know he has shaved himself — yes, shaved himself-reix times since you called yesterday."

MISTAKEN IDEAS.

An instance of a mistaken idea and smart repartee was supplied by an American journalist. An English woman in Yorkshire had but hazy ideas of Australia, and, not being of an inquiring mind, she did not trouble to add to her knowledge. Her only son emigrated to Sydney, and soon married a native-born Australian. By and by the honest English matron came to Australia to see her son and his wife. Looking out from her room one morning — where she stayed on the way to her son's house; who had meantime settled on a farm — she saw several kangaroos, and asked what they were. "Oh," was the reply, "these are natives." "Ob, my heavens!" said the English lady, "and my son has married on© of these!"

For repartee Pat came first. He was working on© diay well up on the rigging of his ship, on which he was an able seaman. A& the captain was walking the deck Pat

somehow lost his hold and fell in front of him, and co dangerously near as to suggest to the captain that he might have got his neck broken ' had Pat's 14sfc avoirdupois lighted on hie head. "Look here, Pat; what are you up to?" said the captain. " Why, you might have killed me as dead as a herring. Where on earth have you come from?"

Pat, unharmed, picked himself up, stood to attention in front of the captain, smiled as only Pat can, saluted, and informed his skipper in reply : " Oi just kame from Oireland, sir."

But Plymouth will soon be reached ; and, afx>er years of absence, one feels, like every Englishman, its 'ealthy, an' its 'appy, an' its within 'ail o' 'ome. We lunch at 1 o'clock ; and, even with the prospect of seeing the Garden of England, saloon passengers respond to the bugler's call — The roast beef of Old England Is very good stuff, But poor Tommy Atkins, He ain't got enough. Then, on the R.M.S. Ortona, lunch a grain — Ring ye bell, ye darkies, send the echoes all a flying, Open w t, the garden gate and' let 'em all come in ; De tables dey are groaning an' de victuals

cooked and ieaay And all creation waiting for de fasting to begin.