FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2809, 15 January 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

— People are not stocked as often as they pretend to be. — Every girl needs a small brother to take the conceit out of her. — Many a woman's idea of being artistic is not to- know how to cook. — When a man talks in his sleep his wife generally develops insomnia. — Many a man can't stand on his dignity without putting his foot in it. j — Success is sometimes rather slow in j getting to the man who waits. I — Many people who say they never look ! well in a photo shouldn't expect to. There isn't very much sunshine in the smile a man produces when he loses. — Buebeard's wives were not t'ho only J women who lost their heads over a man. | — One way to stand well with the women t is to give up your seat in a crowded car. — There are lots of men under a cfoud who never stole an umbrella in their lives. — When people talk about their principles, they usually mean their prejudices. — Those who are invited to sing at a party always report that they've had a good time. — A man is as anxious to have a hat like " someone else's as a woman is to have one different. — You can convince a woman that every man is a liar except the one who is trying to deceive her. — A good many people who don't do much in a small town imagine they would make a great hit in London. — Toddling Tomiriv: "Where is Slumberland, mamma?" Wise Willie: "I know. It"s at the other end of Lapland." — According to a baby's mother, there are a good many reasons to explain why it crie3. but inherent cusscdness is never one of them. —"I presume your children ask you a gieat many embarrassing questions?" — "Yes; it is wonderfu 1 how like their mother these youngsters are !" — A man tries to impress his children with the belief that he was a model boy, while he tells all his friends that he planted quite a lot of wild oats. —"I must get you another chair for the kitchen, Katie. I see you have .only one." — "Shure, you needn't mind, ma'am. I have none but gintleman callers !" — Mrs Hoon (looking up from her newspaper) : " Here is an item about a convict ! who writes poetry in prison." Mr Hoon : j "H'm! Is that what he is in for?" ' — "Have you ever read an article, on how to tell a bad ege?" — "No, I haven't, but my advioe would be. if you have anything to tell a bad egg, why, break it gently." — Jones: "I understand there is trouble between Mrs Poet and her husband." Smith: "Yes. He couldn't sell his poems, and she couldn't eat them, so she left him." — Artist: "Just look, darling I was short of canvases, so I've stretched a clean pocket-handkerchief. See how splendidly it takes the paint!" Prudent Little Wife: " Oh, John, dear, how extravagant of you ! It'll never come out!" — Pedlar : "Would you like to buy a , motto. ' May our home be blessed' ?5'? 5 ' Mrs | Scrann (who keeps a boarding-house) : <7 No ; i but if you have any reading ' Curb your appetite.' ' Eat in moderation,' or 'Gluttony is a sin,' I'll take half a dozen." — Uncle Toby was aghast at finding a. \ strange darkey with his arm round Mandy's waist. " Mandy, tell date niggah to take his arm 'way from round yo' waist," he indignantly commanded. " Tell him yo'self," said Mandy, haughtily ; " he's a pufect stranger to me." — The minister had just been giving the class a lesson on the Son. At the finish, to test what attention had been paid to his teaching, he asked : " Who was sorry that the Prodigal had returned?" The most forward youngster in the class breathlessly answered : " The fatted calf !" — "Yes," said the prospective purchaser, "I ■ always select an automobile by its motors." " But don't you pay any attention to its finish?" asked the salesman, who I had been showing the upholstering and brass trimmings. " ph, no ! All my autpmobilos generally finish up in a tree or in a haystack." — A clergyman, whPe walking along a country road in Ireland, saw a man breaking stones, and kneeling to get at his work better. " Ah, Pat, I wish I could break the stony hearts of my hearers as easily as you arc breaking those stones," eaid he. " Shure." says Pat, "p'raps yer riverence don't work on yer knees !" — Scene : A suburban front garden. The ball has gone over the wall, and the batsman has gone round to inquire. Irale Parent: "How dare you have the cheek to come and ask for your ball when you nearly killed one of my children with it." Youth With the Bat: "But you've got 10 children, an' we have only got one ball." — "Bridget," said the mistress of the house, " some of the bed-linen is missing. Was any of it left on the line?" "Mother," cried her little daughter, "I know where it is. Father's got it." " What 3o you mean, child?" "I heard some of the neighbours say this morning that they saw father last night with three sheets in the wind !" — Caught red-handed with a rabbit on the ground and hib dog sniffing at It, a poacher was taken along to the cells. In the morning he was brought up before the magistrates, who, before passing sentence on him, asked the man if he had anything to say. "Well, yer Honor," was the reply, "all I can say is that I am very sorry it happened. But the rabbit started it." — Book English. — I paused to talk to a fishmonger. "Fishmonger," said I pleasantly, "why do you fishmong?" He answered with a cordial smile: "I fishmonsr because my father fishmang before me." "And ha.ye you been fishmonging long?" I asked further. "Yes,*' was the reply, "I have fishmong for seven years come Michaelmas." "You are a worthy fishmonger," I responded, "and I am' sure you always mong the best of fish." — Mrs Brown's husband was a commercial traveller, and was often, very late in reaching his home. His wife wae afraid f of burglars. One night as Mr Brown, having opened tfie door with his latchkey, was stealing softly upstairs, he heard his wife call out : " I don't know if you are my husband or a burglar, but I am going to be on the safe side and shoot. So 'f you are Henry Brown, you had better get out of the way!" She fired and smashed the hall lamp. . --A few nights ago the choir of a local chapel was heard practising a well-known funeral hymn, and, being curious, a passer-by inquired, as it was very late at night, why they were there. He was told that they were practising a, hymn for Mr Blank's

funeral "When did he die?" asked thft stranger, who know the man well. To hi 8 surprise, the answer came: "Oh, he is not dead yet; but Mr Blank is very ill, and the conductor thought we might get on. with the practice !" — After being conducted through an old church by the vers-er, a visitor was so pleased with the official's courtesy and information that he insisted on giving him half a crown. The man shook his head sadly. "Thank you, sir," he said, "but it s quite against the rules." "I am sorry for that," said the visitor, about to return the half crown to his pocket. "But," added the verger, "if I WS re to find a coin lying on the floor, it would not be against the rules for me to pick it up !" — A little girl went with her teacher one afternoon to visit the country prison She became interested in a, convict who was knitting stocking 3, and stopped to talk with the man. "Do find it dull hero?" sho said sympathetic!- 11 v. "Indeed I do. miss" ho answered. "Still." said the child, "the smtrinsr of the birds relieves the monotony, doesn't it?" "Singinsr of the birds?" said the convict, in a puzzled voice. "Yps."' replied the little eirl. "What birds •>"' asked the man. The well-meaning little crarl. with a helpful smile, replied: "The gaol birds. They must be a great comfort to you." — A magistrate at Cork had the reputation of beinsr vprv hard on loafers. Ona of those unworthy specimens came before him. Chars-ed with loitering, and after h« had pleaded guilty, the R.M. Proceeded tj> put some quections'to him. These were answered rea^ilv enough. Then the instice said : " Prisoner, have you any visible means of sutmori?" "Vis, your nor«Hp." reolied Mick as quick as liehtninsr. Then turning to the ar^a of the court, he looked at his wife, who was a washerwoman, and said • "Bridiret. alanna. s<-«tw! up so that hi« Honor can see yer." Then, the court lauehed.