FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 2782, 10 July 1907, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY

•—After a man lias earned your custom 'don't give it to the other fellow just to be contrary. — Too many people think it isn't wrong fov lie about a man who lives a hundred miles away. ■ — A discontented person is bad enough tq. live with, but a self-satiefied person is much worse. „,.,„ ! — "Do you believe that love is blind? — *1 knoir it." — "How <Jo you know it?" — I *Trom looking at the kind of men some Women marry." — Tbe average woman keep* a cook just | long enough for the cook to peer into all the cupboards and get good looks at the family skeletons. — She (after a quarrel) : "I wouldn t cry for the best man living, so there !" He : "You don't have to cry for him, dear — jycu've got him!" . — Flannigan: "la Murphy not workin ? Shure, I thought he had a steady job." j Flaherty: "Oh, yes, the job was steady i enough, but Murphy wasn't." — Amateur: "I say, Tve been asked to A shoot next week. What ought I to give the keeper?" Hia Friend: W «H» ife depends where you bit himi" — She: "I «aw you in a tram car the other evening, Mr Saxby." He: "Bid j you? Why, I didnft see you ! She; I suppose not ! I was standing !" ' — Customer: "Can you recommend this as a good blood purifier?' Druggist: "Madam", one dose of that would cure the ..eruptions of Mount "VesuviusJ" He stole » kiss! So quick 'twas done She did not know what he was at; He never stole another one — • - She gave them to him after, that. — "I've been up with tfie sun every day thiff week."— "So have I; but after I've ■walked the floor with him for * while I have been able to go to sleep ag»m! — "Did Perkins die a natural death?' — ■**On, yes. But I can't remember now whether he wa» musdeued, killed in a railroad accident, or hnrt by an automobile.' "Don't you think, Harry, you could induce one or two. boys to come to Sunday school?" "I could bring one," replied Harry. "The otheu boys in our street can. lick me." — Young Doctor (to his wife): "I didn't , think that Wilson was so mean as that! Ho dines at our house till he gets dyspepaia>. aad then goes to another doctor to be treated.!" . . — little Wifie: "I often think that it »» strange a email country like Britain should tule such a vast amount of territory." Burly Husband: "Oh, I don't know, dear;, you rule me~" — "Look, Master Alfred!" a nurse exclaimed. "Hasn't your little brother get pretty eyes." "Well, of course,' 1 answered Alfred, surveying the infant jealously. "They're new ones." — The Squire: "Mike, some of your ideas pn- politics are absolutely indefen«aWe." Mike i "Oi don r t think so, sor. Oi've licked lialf a dozen fellows in my time for disa, greein' wid my ideas." — Kept His Promise.— "Do you use your pafety-deposit vault much?"— "Qb, I keep an umbrella in it."— "What for?"— " Well* I- promised my wife to put something in the bank for a- rainy day." . — "Henrietta," eaid Mt Meekton, "is it* true that women have- no perception of the comic?" "It must be true, Leonidas," was the answer. "Otherwise some of them Urould never marry such ridiculous men." . — The Lady ot- the House: "Poor man! So you used to be an actor? Did you ev^r play in 'Hamlef V The Man at the Door: "I should cay so! Why, we played in every hamlet from Carlisle to Liverpool." — Snitor : "I fear it is a great presumption on my part, sir, to aspire to your ' daughter's hand, as I only keep- a shop." Her Father: "That does not matter, young man; the question, is, does the shop keep you.?" — Little Margie: ."What do you have to go down town for every day, papaT" •Papa: "To earn your bread and butter, my dear." Little Margie : "Well, we've got lots of bread and butter. Can't you earn some jam to-day?" — Wife: "Will the wife of that millionaire you are attending have to- undergo- an. operation?" Fashionable Surgeon: "Yes." Wife : "Poor thing. Is it absolutely necessary?" F. 8. : "It is if you want our usual trip this sun>mer." — "Oh, my !" exclaimed the excited woman who had mislaid her husband. "I'm looking for a small man .with one eye." "Well, ma'am," replied the polite shoptwalker, "if he's a very small man, maybe •you'd 1 better use both eyes." — A little girl was asked to write an essay on Wild Beasts. She went on to name them. "Long ago," she added, "wild beasts roamed about England. The only wild beasts in this country now are ia the Theological Gawfens." — Cholly Nowitfc: "Rye know, Miss Smart, though I've only just met you, there seems to be a sort of intellectual- sympathy between us? You know just, how to appeal to my tastes, you see. Are you a literary .woman?" Dolly Smart: "No; I'm a kindergarten teacher." — Bald-headed Man. (who inclines to be facetious) : 'Tm getting .to be pretty bald. Suppose you'll have to cut my hair for 'half -price hereafter, eh?" Tonsoxial Artist <who is equal to the emergency) : "Oh, no, air ; we always charge double when we have to hunt for the hair." -■-Wee Hostess: "Mamma, shall I invite Lucy Littnay to my party?" Mamma: "Certainly. She is the minister's daughter." Wee Hostess : "Do ministers' daughters get invited, everywhere?" Mamma : "Always." We© Hostess: "They have lots of fun, I s'pose? I wish papa was a minister 'stead of a miserable sinner." — Mrs Stubb: "Yes, John, if the woman's suffrage party ever gets into power wo may see women on battleships." Mr Stubb: "It will be a bad day for the navy when that comes to pass." Mrs Stubb : -"InvWhafc way?" Mr Stubb: "Why, how in the world could the ships sail under secret orders with a woman on board?" — Billikin: "What's the matt«r, Willikin?" Willikin: "Matter enough. You know, some time ago I assigned all my property to my wife, to — keep it out of the hands of — of people I owe, you know." Billikin: "Yes." Willikin: "Well, she's taken the money and gone off^-says she won't live with me because I swindled my creditors." —An old woman was ill, and a kindly neighbour took a bottle oi whisky to her. The neighbour then said she would give the old woman a gl*S9 of the whisky then and another 'in- tfie- morning. The old Woman received Jfce first «las». About Ifl

minutes elapsed, and then she suddenly exclaimed: "You'd better let's hey the other noo; ye heer o' «> many sudden deeths nooadays." — When any woman can thrash an unruly youngster into whimpering submission, as a man can; when any saleswoman can lift bales and. boxes, as a man can; when any woman can dispense in all her work with an added thought for her safety and comfort — in short, when women can sing bass and grow a long beard, then a woman's work will be> worth jusfc as much to the' world as a. znaJs^sr is. —"A short time- ago," says a teacher, "I was giving a lesson the use of the hyphen. Having written a number of examples on the blackboard, tbe first of which was 'bird-cage,' I asked the boys to give a reason for putting the hyphen between Turd' and 'cage.' After a short eilenee one boy who is among the dunces held up his hand and said, 'It is for the bird- to perch on, sir.' " —In lecturing his companions on the beauty of self-restraint, a Dalkeith miner, given to preaching, lamented a recent epidemic of bad language in the neighbourhood. "It's wrang an' wicked, ma freens, he eaid, "tae us& violent words for triflm annoyances. For instance, there's an inseck buzzing roun' ma heed at the present moment— but I merely say : 'Go away, little fly— go away, little fly.' D it ! It s * wasp!".