FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2715, 28 March 1906, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY.

— "Have you no record of his visits?" counsel- asked an Irish doctor at the South-

wark County Court. "No," replied the doctor; "but he came to the surgery eve^ry arorning two or three times a week!" — "Do you take any muscular exercise?" asked the physician. " I hang on to the strap in a street car for four miles twice a day." "That's too violent. After this be content with walking the distance." — He: "I am rather in favour of Ihe English than the American mode of spelling." She: "Yes." He: "Yes, indeed! Take 'parlour,' for instance. Having you in it makes all the difference in the world." — Johnny: "Ye' re a cooart ; ye're f rich tit ■'■-ac feeht." Tommy: "No, I'm no. But if I fecht I'll get a liekin' frae ma faitb/jr." Johnny: "Boo' ll he ken? ' Tommy: "He'il see ih' doctor gaun tas your hoose." - — Mother: "That young man js too presumptuous. We fchall have to sit on him. ' Mary : " Leave that to me, ma. I'll attend 10 it when he comes next." Ma looks suspiciously at her daughter, but says nothing. .—. — Molly had been to church for the hrsfc time, and on her return home her grandmother asked her what she thought of it. •' I liked it very much," she replied ; "but there was one thing I didn't think wa3 fair.'.'— "What was that, dear?"— " Why, one, man did all the work, and then another man cam© round and got all the money." —An old southern darky was presented •with triplets, and was co elated over ibo event that he called in everybody to see them. Among the visitors was an Irishman. "Say, boss," exclaimed the old man, "what you think of that?" "Well," said Pat, looking the babies over carefully, and pointing to a healthy-looking one, " I would keep that one." — Little Charlief who had been taught to •be very polite on all occasions, and that he must never keep a seat when there were ladies standing, was one day riding ia a crowded car perched on his father's knee. When a young lady stepped in the little fellow jumped" down at once, and, with a polite bow, said : " Please, miss, will you take my place?" — A father recently received the following note from a 7/oung man: — "Dear Sir,— Wood like your dote^ Jessie's hand in marage. She and I are in luv and I think I nede" a wife. — Yures, Henry." The father replied by letter, saying: "Friend Henry. — You don't need a wife. You need a spelling book. Get one and study it for a jear. Then write me again." — "Be sure to agree with the girl's father in politics," said the experienced man, giving hints to the young lover. That night, after he had enioyed the young lady' 6 society for an hour, her father came in. and the youth started conversation by atking: "What is your opinion of the Moroccan Question?" "I am in favour of the open-door policy," said the fid gentleman. 6tiffiy; "and this> is your hat, I believe?" — "My dear' Miss Kempton," remarked Mr . Cliftonville, meeting the young lady by chance, "your new hat is simply divine, i .crossed the street specially to get a better view. However, I shouldn't . like to sit behind it at th© concert." "But,

then, you "needn't," retorted Miss Kemp-

ton, with an arch smile; "for you are to sit beside it." What could the poor boy do? — A schoolmaster who happened to have red hair was giving an object-lesson to a ciass 011 a nut. In his c-ncteavour to draw a distinction botween a. iiazel nut and other nuts, he held one up to view, asking: "What kind of a nut is this?" at tho same time without a thought putting his pencil to his head while -waiting for an answer. Suddenly a youig chap, who was noted for his witty answers, replied: "A ginger nut, sir." —An old man leaving work got into a car. He had not gone far before the conductor asked him for twopence. The man said it was one penny for the distance he was going. The conductor said sharply to him, "Shut up, and pay twopence." So he paid it. The next morning the conductor received a letter without a stamp, which was surcharged as usual. When he opened it, he was surprised to see written on paper, " Shut up, and pay twopence." —In Olden Days. — A strange clergyman was preaching at a Sussex seaside church. In the midst of his sermon, a boy ran up the pulpit stairs, and, pointing to the dcor, *aid, "There he is." "Who?" ".eplred the divine. "The gauger." "Well," said the clergyman, "what of it? It's no affair .of mine."' "Oh, but it is." whiskered the urchin "Ye're standing on the tub itself." Sure enough, beneath the noor 'of the pulpifc a cunningly-contrived K'ceptacle had been made for tho storage cf kegs whose contents had never - paid duty. . _ .—-~Wlien. — -~Wlien you see a young man sitting in a drawing room with the ugliest „ four-year-old boy that ever frightened himself in a # mirror clambering over his knees, jerking* his neck-tie out of plaoe, ruffling his shirt-

front, pulling his hair, kicking his 6hins, feeling in. his pockets for coppere, while the unresisting victim smile 3 all the time Hike the cover of a comic paper, you may safely say that howling boy has a sister v. r ho is in a room not twenty feet away, an<l that the young mat. doesn't come there just 'or the fun of playing with her bi other.

—An Irish soldier on sentry duty had

orders to allow no one to emoke near liis post. An officer with a lighted cigar approached, whereupon Pat boldly challenged him, and ordered him to put it out at once. The officer with a gesture of disgust threw away his cigar, but no sooner was his back turned than Pat picked ifc up and quietly retired to the 6entry box. The officer, happening to look around, observed a beautiful cloud of smoke issuing •from the box. He at once challenged Pat for smoking on duty. " Smoking, is it, cur? Eedad, and I'm only keeping it lit to show to the corporal when he comes as evidence agin' you." — An- Englishman who had few many Jeers represented a Scottish bui"gh ih Pariamenfc, but. had , just retired, was asked in due course for - his an-mal shilling subscription to a -Burns fund. "No," he rejjlUed; '• I am no longer in .Parliament. What 'I have suffered through Burns, Heaven alone can t«H. First I had fo pra ; se iiixn in" the most fulsome manner without Sieving- read his works. Then I had to ' learn to recite portions of his poems Ly heart. I have had to walk without niy Jiat in the rain as leader of a procession iii honour of Burns, and, undor these circumstances, I refuse witi genuine delight fc> give another ? lulling*