FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2686, 6 September 1905, Page 71

FUN AND FANCY.

— Girls think men all soul ; -women know they are all stomach. — It is a wise barber who never illustrates his story with cuts. — Laughter may be the poor man's plaster; but it is not adhesive. — Hope is the poor man's tread, and Charity sometimes supplies cheap butter. "— Affection before marriage is often overdone; but after marriage it usually is **— Charity., is more -than dropping a crust fa" the slot in the 'expectation of drawing a three-layer cake. , „ — It's no use- praying that all the woiJd nay have the bread of life when your own life has about as much nourifihment in it as a brick-bat. . ,— -Perhaps the reason -why there aTe so few women inventors is accounted for uy the fact.jbhafc -anything most women wish -to" do can be done with a hairpin. — Mr" NoodleT "Clever? Why, she has ■brains enough for two, Miss Cutting." Miss Catting-. "HSts , she?.- Then she'is just "the eirf %ou ought to- marry, Mr'Koedle. -^Cora* "Paul told me last night that -he !%ouTdn'i;"M>afry. .the-iprettieefc woman lining." "Then your chances of '*' Belting 'him ought to be. very good." — Rev. Mr "Sapley': "I'm collecting for tour Unrnkards' 1 , Home, madam." Mrs A*dtack: "Oh, are you? Well, call *oundabout midnight' and youioan-have my Bill! ' —'-'Before a -man marries," says -the con- - finned bachelor, "bjs-<future wife's relatives refer to him as 'Mr Jones. Afterwards he is 'Bstfcy-'s husband,' and later 'babys '■ —Magistrate: "So you admit having '-'teen" engaged in making counterfeit -iconey?", Prisoner: "Yes, your worship. Youvsee," the. supply of the genuine article ' is-flo^-rory short." - / — "Who-^mad© -you?" asked the- Sunday jtthool-teacher'of a little girl. '-'God made sieved- lon^'^-stretching -out her- hands to - show— "an* I igrow-ed the rest myself, -was the she got. . — • feexuv: "What d*3 that Russian noble- " man" writs in. your autograph albumV' ' Mabel:. "Oh/ something * unspeakable.^ licna : "''Godaness .gracious! What was it? . - Mabel: '"His name." . . "these yer prize cattle? Them ain,'t n'ofhin' to -what our folks can do. My fatter -Teared, the -biggest calf of any man in -our parts." ' Sarcastic. "Bystander-. 'I< don't doubt it— and -the noisiest." _ -:"'Here,'-'- said the clerk at the" Skmnera Hotel," "we have 1800 servants." "Well, ' wid-the Tdeparfcirig guest, ■"I Tnust have *Murlboked -*four or five. ' I'm quite isure 1 'haveTTt-'^ppect.so.many as^that.' ' — IbriH " Sbung'Mother (with first-born): *NQW,"'>£m<ft of us' do .you think he is ism\ friend; .-.(judicially).: "Wf, of - «Rir£e;-f intelligence Has --not -really, dawned . iaUiis -countenance yet, but he's wonderfully. iifee.:bbfli.of ,you.',' ' „. -i_ «?A -man .ia 1 known -by his works, ac- - - dared' the irrepressible -reformer, /roho. was - addressing -a - large, and' enthusiastic ' «&sence. "Tours must -be a gas Tvorks ! - ■Bhouteda-rudey-unculturaa person, whooc-' a>backi6eat. - " " But/ Captain ,Hawleigh,; would you 'Jove me when 1 -grow old' and' ugly?" The -lOaptain (gallantly): "You may grow older,- .my dear ."jVEss Plutus, but' you can -never grow uglier." .-And as he - went/home 'he wondered why ©he had reieeteoV bin. , — A youn^- lawyer, who spends most oi , trs -iame-trying "to seem /busy -and -pros--perous, went -out for- -a while, leaving on to 3o«w-a"'oard-iteatly marked, "Back in' an hour." ; -Oh. "Ats- return he found that some - envious rfival had v inscribed under•ueath:, "What f orf* " A four-year-old -boy -was "bad the other day his' mother said, "Sammy, why don't ypu : be- good?"- '"Cause I'm afraid," ■was the prompt -reply. "What are you afraHL of?". '-'Good little boys -get to be angels, amd'l -don't -WAnt'io be an -angel and have tq^wear Readers like -a < hen." The human :body is 'divided <into three parts, the "head, the chisti and. the stum-/ znick. -The .'head the eyes, and brains, if any. " The - chist contains the • lunge.' and a piece of 'the liver. The stummick is devoted to the bowels, - of which - there are five— a, c, i, o, v, and sometimes " yt and y. , ".,-..•' <& woman -entered a railway station ~ not a hundred uniles from -Edinburgh -the' «tiier 7 day, and. «aid -sho wanted - a ..ticket for Jboiidi}*. The pale-iooldng olerl: "asted,"Singlef "It.ain?t-any-of your business, ' Bhe -sepliwl.' # "I nsight hare- been married at dozen tunes ?if :I'ddifce providin' foraome Ifodri-shiftless wreck of a man like you. i_Th©Jioreman of a labouring squatt had" taken ill, and 'Pat was dulj promoted to the-TOStfor one day^ On the foreman s. return the;following day he found only Pat mt 'work, and interrogated him as to the absence of- the' others. "Where are they?" iP-ai -replied. -.'Shure, they're- sacked, every man- of- them. -It's not often I have a chance' of -showing my authority; but, feedad,. I- made the most of my opportunity yesterday." , ■ ... , , — A. -visitor to Dublin noticed three figures on- the top of, the Post-Onice, and inquired, of- Patvwho the figures represented. JPat, not- wishing to anpear ignorant, quickly answered— "Why, those are the 12 apostles." '"How can they, be- the 12 apostles," asked 4 the visitor, "when there are only three figures?"- Pat, with hisever- " steady wit, answered — "Sure an' they are the "12 apostles, hut the other nine are inside sorting the letters." rr — -Food, " Not Form. — Assistant Atlorneygeneral Eobb, while in a Washington restaurant, sat -near a man from Texas, who e\idently had not' "travelled to- any extent. - Tbs-, waiter eaid to the stranger from the tone Star State: the bill-of-fare, 6k." "Say, look here!" shouted the Texan, "I haven't bad a mouthful to eat yet, and I'll be- hanged' if I'll pay any bill till I get the goods. Fetch on, your viltles first and !'!!■ pay ior 'em afterwards." — .'^Now," said the fussy old 1 gentleman, putting- on© of the biggest plums in his mouth and. picking up apother, "what is the! •ense of having that notice read, 'French plums for sale'? Don't you see that •^rench : plums' would be enough?- Don't frou suppose that everybody knows they are for sale?" "I chinno,'' answered the .grocer ; "some folk seem to think I'm giving them away." And -the old gentleman ,put,Ahe plum back in the box. — A Young Rector (in evident embarrass.Bent): "My dear Mi§s Clara, I"— trying to

leave the chair—"l bel'eve I have formed an—attachment, and " Miss Clara (blushing furiously) : "Oh, Arthur—l mean Mr Green—this is so unexpected! I must " The Young Rector (frauiically): "Beg pardon, Miss Clara, but I was about to say that I have formed au attachment to this chair due to the presence of a bit of cobbler's wax placed here by that unregenerate younger brother of yours." Intense delight of small boy in ambush. —It is of course true that a jury theoretically is composed of a set of unprejudiced men w-th opsn minds; still there may be occasions when a slight personal feeling .invades their ranks. Such was evidently the thought borne in upon the tailor who, rising to state his case and having declined the services of a lawyer for reasons best known to himself, looked over the jurymen and then turned to the judge. "It's no use for me to toll you about this case, your Honor," he said, dejectedly, '"not unless you dismiss that jury and get a new lot. There isn't a man amongst 'em but owes me something for clothes."