FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2685, 30 August 1905, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY.

— Sillicus: ''Have you noticed that lr.osi Leroes are married men?" Cynicus : "Sir, every married man is a hero." — "He's a. popular jost." — "Why, I thought lie hadn't written anything foi jears.'" — '"He hasn't That's why." — Man is a good deal like a fish. You know, the fish would never get into very fceiioua trouble if it kept its mouth shut. — "Give em example rf how heat expands and cold contracts." — "In the summer the clays are long; in the winter they rik. short." — "Do you have good police projection in this neighbourhood?" — "Do we? Well, I should say so. We have the prett;e=t maid in the place." — She: "Really, my husband is quite a philosopher." Her Aunt: "'Well, a mini n-iight as well bow to the inevitable— when he's marriejl to it !" — Wife: "I see by this paper that the average family has four and seven-tenths persons?" Fusband : ''I suppose I'm the seven-tenths in rhis family!" — Mistross: "What is your namoV Cook: "Mrs Jenkins." The Mistress: _ "Do I you cxr-eoi to be colled Mrs Jenkins*" Cook: '"Oh, no, ma'am, not if you have an alarm clock.'' — Tho woman at the Zoo i\no mistook | Iho hyenas laugh for that of her son. .-wid Flapped the latter for his hilarity, is more to be pitied tl^n censured. Hers must be a quirt little home. — Compared.— "Yo«r jokes," remarked Miss Okie, "always remind ir.e of a ball. "And why do they remind you of a ball, pray?" asked ths young man. there is never any point to them." • — "Woman !" hissed the villain between cigarette puffs, "do your worst!" Whereupon the beautiful liand-parnted heroine meandeiecl down to the footlights and began to warble ,*he latest popular song. — Employer : ''Good morning. John ; I hope all of your family are well this mornin°-" John: "Yes, sir, I thank you % Employer: "I'm glad to hear that. There s a test match to-day, you know, and I w afraid that mi-ght h.av« had a fatal effect upon some of them." — "Mabel," said little Jennie to tier big sister at breakfast, "did you tell papa?" J "Tell papa whit.?" asked Mabel. "Why, you told Mr Buster last night if he did it again you'd tell papa — and he did it again. I saw" him!" And then papa looked at Mable over his glasses. — Economy. — Mrs Hardpan : Yes, Johnny, yeou kin hey an apple if they beany startia' ter spile." Johnny: "An ef they a-in't startin' ter spile?" Mrs Hardpan: "Then yeou'll hey lei wait till they '''dew. Them "apples cost too much ter -sat 'cm fresh." — Chicago News. _ —An inspector was examining a class in Scripture. He noticed one- boy who did not answer well, so he asked him to quote two passages in the Bible. The -boy said, "Judas wenb and hanged himself.' no stopped a little, and then said, "Go thou and do likewise." — Horace' Gs-eeloy was noted- for Ins wretched writing, which" often puzzled n>any a printer Once he used the famous quotation, from Shakespeare : " " 'Tis true His pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true," but^ it appeared' the next day as " 'Tis two, tis fifty, 'tis fifty-two !" r ._ When a Scotch schoolmaster entered the temple of learning one morning, he read on the blackboard: "Our teacher is a donkey." Tho pupils expected there would " be a cyclone; but the philosophic pedagogue concerned himself with adding the \ word "driver," and opened the school as usual. . — This is a genuine complaint from the native manager of an ice factory in India to a lady who was in the habit of sending an ancient and talkative female to fetch the daily supply of ics for her household: "Honoured Madam,— Send no more to us this your handmaiden, of ioe. for she is a garrulous female, and we can no longer tolerate her cheeks." — Two young dandies were walking along a country* lane and saw a yokel sitting on * a gate, chewing a piece of straw. One of the dandies said to the other, "Watch me play a trick on him." Stepping up to the yokel, he said to him. "Have you seen a cartload of monkeys nass this way this scorning?" "Why? Have you two fallen off?" the yokel blandly replied. A short time ago ths superintendent of a "model farm" was explaining the workin<r of an incubator to a class of j-oiui<y ladies. At the end of the lesson she told them to ask any question they liked if they aid not fully understand her. Lna-gine her astonishment when one of the girls, with an earnest look of inquiry on her countenance, put the question. "And where docs the hen sit?" , . -wThe irrepressible boy is a little animal who lias no "regard for the eternal fitne?^ of things. Eoeoatly a school was closed for a day or t-wo on account of the death of a venerated and beloved teacher, and a small urchin belonging tc another school in the neighbourhood looked with envy upon the children who were given a melancholy holiday. "Ah," he exclaimed, as ho saw them, "nothing; ever happens at my school !" — A Congressman of Indiana, in the heat of debate, once called an Illinois Congressman an a^s. It was necessary for this epithet to be withdrawn, and, afrer some colloquy, Mr Johiison paid : ''I withdraw tho language, Mr Sp?aker, but I insist that the o-eiitleman from Illinois is out of order' "Hou- am I out of order?" yelled the man from Illinois. "Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell yon," hotly letovted' JolmJjon, thereby lopputing the original insult, but in parliamentary language. —At "a certain village, while the annual cricket match between the "Married and Single" was being held, try as they would, the single men could not -get rid of tie crack bat.=man of the Benedicts. Ihc Singles' crack bowler was bonhne very well, but ib was noticed that when be trundled to the crack batsman his deliveries were much inferior to those with which he served the other batsmen. "Look ere, '\rry," said the captain of the Singles to the 'bowler, "cau'fc yer get owd Smith licut?" "Ay, Ah "could if Ah wanted, said the bowler; "but Ah' in not goin' to try. - Yer see," he added, with a knowing wink. *'Ah'm courting his si -ter Mary. — A well-known London citizen, who _ is noted for "the business-like way in which he attends to minor domestic duties, was last Sunday morning far from either feeling or looking well, and whilst at breakfast suddenly remarked, in a futile attempt to produce evidence of his previous night's sobriety: "Maria, niy dear, there mmt bs. i

something wrong with that dining room clock. lam sure I wound it up last night." "No." answered his wife, "you wound up Freddy's musical-box instead, and it pkryed 'Home, sweet home' till 3 in the morning.'"

— A e'ergyman tells of preaching one day about Clod's wisdom being superior to man's, dwelling at length upon ihc fact that He knows best whit we need, and provides Vihat is bese for us. "It is ju=t- as you do with flowers," he "You plant geraniums E'lid heliotrope in the sunshine, because you know they will grew better chero. But you provide a shady nook for the fuchsia." * He- f-elt that ike sermon had L?en a helpful one, so vas gratified when, afier tfvvice, a. woman came up to him and said : "Oh, doctor, I am so glad of tl at sermon !" He was hbout to expioss his pleasure at having helped her, when .she added : ''I never knew before what was (lie matter with my fuchsias."

— Three Conundrums. —

1. What is the difference between the organist and the organ tuner? — The cne reads the tunes, the other tunes the reeds. 2. What is the difference between Easter offerings and iho 40 days before Easter?— The former are given and tho latter are Lent.

3. What is the difference between a schoolgirl and a herring ?— The former endeavours to acquire what the latter has by nature — viz., scales. — Musical News.