FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Volume 23, Issue 2684, 23 August 1905, Page 62

FUN AND FANCY.

_ A ae-iius is a man who can make other mer- be.e ve l.c know* more than they do !!lH- -What if i should propose to you v" "She: "You'd never do so again s y - "That naval cadet is popular with the girl* Isn't he?" -"Yes, he's a regular sea £ °-His Orow-SpDnaer: . "J don't know wl at I Jiould do if you rejected me. lfie Giil: "You Wd &o on earning your own

1 -^Sufferer: "Do you extract teeth with- ' cut niinr Dentist: "Not always I ; grained my wrist on one a coaple of oays i ago, and it hurts yet. 1 -HusbanJ (aft«- Ibe quarrel): Well. I ; must say that all fools are not dead yet i Wife lafcdionatcljj: "I'm glad of it, dear. I never look well in black." . — Jon**: "So you have succeeded 'n I tracing back my ancestors What 15 your ■ fee?" GonealogUc: "One iundred pounds 1 —for keeping quiet about them." — Charlie was taken to the doctor to be F vaccinated. "Oh, mamma," he said, wiien. he came home "papa took me to the docI tor pud the doctor fascinated me ! — "Is a diplomat ever justified in ps"\§ rrcvarication'f"' asked his friend. '"' ejl ' said the diplomat, "he is certainly not justified in calling it by that rarne., — Penelope: "It's dreadful! Papa wan's me to marry a man I have never seen. Ferdita: '-'i'hat's nothin?. My father ■wants me- to mavry a man I have seen. — Kitty : "My dressmaker says it is sucn a pleasure to fit a gown to me.' Edith: "Considers it a sort, of artistic triumph , 1 suppose? The true artist delights in du*hculties.'* . 7 , , 1 — "Father Sawyer, what is your daughter Mary going to do when she finishes college?"—" Wall, I kinder reckon she'll *each. school. She thinks she'd like the vacations." . — First Lawyer: "It seems to me you let that last witness down pretty easily in your crosj-examination." Second Lawyer: "I had ro. He is my tailor, and I ewe him . a big bill." ! —Mrs Noah: "I suppose you are going to have two of each kind of animal in the , ark." Noah: "Yes; but i am puzzled to know what I shall get to match up with ■ your mother."' Belinda: "I love this excessively hot r weather! Don't you, Mr Boreham?" Mr . B.: "No; I can't stand it. 1 shall go away if it continues." Belinda : "t do 1 hope it will !" — Ethel: "Who was that man you just towed to?" Penelope : "That was Dobson, the great compo^r." Etbel: "A corr1 poser, did you say?" Penelope: "Ho manufactures soothing syrup." — p a i r Visitor (at seaside, to mariner) : , "Why are all vessels spoken of as 'she'? It's because they glide so gracefully, now. isn't it?" Mariner: "No, miss, it ain't. I It's because of their riggin' costing so much." — "So you object io piano-playing?' — '1 do," answered ths boarder who wears a continuous scowl.— "What is your principal objection to it?" — "The fact that it is not dangerous to the performer, like cycling or n-otor driving." — Mabel : "I know, dear, that you have not much money, but you needn't worry, as I don't care for money ! Only let me have plenty of dresses and fine things, and 1 11 willingly share your poverty, no matter how poor you ara !" — A woman entered a draper's shop in London road and said, "I want to buy a muff." — ''Yes, madam," answered the assistant; "what fur?"— " What fer?'' cvied i ! the woman, indignantly ; "why, to keep ' my hands warm of course." — A fashionable journal says: "Horieon- . tal stripes become very tall andi slender ! ladies." As it is not stated whether the stripes should be planted in clumps or rows we don't think we will attempt to raise a crop of tall and slender ladies this season. A Hindu baker's assistant in Bombay set up in business for himself, and, desiring ( to recommend himself to the English community, had tho following notice painted '. over his door: "Ram Bux solicits respectful patronage. He is a first-class British • j loafer.' k — "What did you discuss at your literary. • J elufo thi3 afternoon, dear?" asked the hus- > j band, in the evening. ''Let me see," mur- ■ I inured his wife. "Oh, y«s, I remember i now. Why, we discussed that woman who ' recently moved into the house across the ; street, and Longfellow." — A young fellow took iiis sweetheart to the theatre. The curtain Vent up^ the play was on and then the girl grow faint. With a quickness of ratiocination truly . amazing-, the young fellow fished a tabloid out of his pocket, and told the girl to : tuck it under her tongue and let it stay, there. She did so, and she sat the show' out in comparative comfort. As the tabloid did not melt she slipped it into her glovo and took it home. It -was a button 1 i — Pierpont Morgan once did a poor man a good turn by buying his ticket in a lot- ; tery. The ticket won, and Mr Morgan was I 60 delighted with the result of his charity that he told the man he would give him lO.OOOdoI a year for life. Instead of showing gratitude, the man said he -would prefer down, "But whv2" asked th*

astonished millionaire. "Because," said the man, "with your confounded luck, Mr Morgan, I should toe dead in six months." — A well-known manufacturer in Scot-

land was entertaining a number of prominent scienti-sts upon the occasion of the visit 'of the British Association. He noticed that to the names rt all his guests a long string of initials, indicative of degrees, was attached; so had printed on his visiting cards his own name and the letters "L.F.P." "What on earth did tßat mean?" -tiiey asked him. "Weel, I saw it was the richt thing to hae th© letters," he said, "and as I didna understand what all the othera meant I'jist put L.F.P., or "lately frae Paisley." " . —In the memoirs of Sir Henry Hawkins •we are told +Hat once, at the Old Bailey, an alderman <ysked- a barrister, "What is the difference between a pair of silk stockings and a. donkey?" A* the other could not reply, the city magistrate replied: "One you wear, the other you are ! See? Ha, -ha!" The barrister. waited his chance. *T say, Mr, Alderman, -what's the difference between an alderman and a gentleman? No reply. * "Shall I tell you?"— " Yes. - "Why, the one you are, the other you - never -will be f-' 'See? Funny,- isn't it? Ha, But this,, time the aldeman did not laugh. . *■ — Who" says tho .. Celestials have not a -fine sense Tof humour? The othei day a tramp wandered -. up to a weather-beaten chop and knocked gently. Immaculate m •white-: sack blouse and clean apron, the Chinese cook-onened the • portal , and gazed .with disfavour .upon- the- soiled -specimen -of humanity befor^ him. '/Wha's mattah? — 'i'Sdy ' ChirJr. give, us a bit© orfood. — "You ' hungly?"-^'"Yes. I am, Chink. -• " "You likee fish?!?— ' You bet-^nythinsf. . — i'You " ' likum '-boiled— nied— bakf^],. ~t, «TTes, yes, "any " way ; no* matter."— All light; you joome back'Fliday.'