FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2676, 28 June 1905, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY.

Polly: "I want you to know that I don't stand on trifles." Nanny (glancing at the other's feet) : "No, dear, I sec you don't."

Family Friend : "I suppose the baby is the sunshine of your home?"' .Fa: "Sometimes. Frequently he is the storm centre."

—"I understand she comes of a very •old family." — "Yes, you can see the family trait in her very clearly." — '"What trait?" — "Age."

• — "What did you say when ma caught that young football player kissing you?" — "I -said he was explaining the meaning of a touch-down."

— 'Miss Withers (showing photograph of herself) : "I'm afraid it's rather faded." Binks (experienced, aged 19) : "Yes, but it's just like you." "Mr Biggleson is quite a philanthropist, isn't he?"— " Yes. He always draws up the subscription papers other people are asked to sign'"' . — "You ought to be very proud of your wife. Sho is a brilliant talker."— "You're right there."— "Why, I could listen to her all night."— "l often do." — Defined.— "Can you tell me what imagination is?"— "lt,, is that which enables us to see things as , they are not, and then depict them- as. they are." — Wife: "You said before we were; married my' slightest .wish should be gratified." Husband: "Yes; but you don't call a. 50guinea costume a slight wish !' — Teacher: "Where were you yesterday?" Pupil (whimpering) : "It .was all Billy Smith's fault; he hipnertised me, an made me go fishin' with him." — Mother: "Willie, run across the street tad see how old Mrs Brown i&- this morning." Willie (a little later): "Mrs Brown says it's none of your business how old she 16 '- Husband (at dinner): "Why, -this is a regular baiquefc. Finest spread Ive seen in an age. What's up? Do you expect company?" Wife: "No, but I presume the cook does." , .. — Tommy: "Gran'pa, I thought that nightcaps were used in bed?" Grandpa: "So they are, my boy." Tommy: Pa, says you have your -nightcap every night before you go to bed." - .»■»*■> — Nell: "I thought you said Mays fiancee was a white-haired octogenarian? His hair is jet black." Belle: "Ah, thats what he meant, th«n, when he said he would dye for her." . — Quite an Enthusiast.— "He goes m for everything. He's quite an enthusiast. — "Yes,- if somebody were to send him on a wild goose chase, he'd speak of himself afterwards as a, sportsman." T , „ — Miss Grimm: "All rignt, sir. I shall sue yoa ."for- breach of promise.' Fenton: "You'd better not attempt it. If you do I'll bring an action for slander against you for saying- 1 proposed to you." — "Well, to tell the truth, papa, I did not think much of the dose of the sermon, saitta young lady. , "Probably you were thinking' more of the clothes of the congTesation," replied her fatherr--Magistrate: "You were begging in the public streets, and yet you had lb shillings 'in' your pocket." Prisoner: Yes, four worship;' l may not be as industrious as some, but I'm no spendthrift. - the band playing that march.' --"On, you must be mistaken, for how can it be a March in April r"-"W«l , * May,' "And it might be said Only."— 'l am surprised as such from an August peraon like yourself." , j_ _ "Do you ever observe how very devotional Deacon Buffam is?" asked a good lady of her husband. "Yes, my dear; the deacon is very devotional. He always keeps hia head bowed in prayer till the contribution box has passed." , — "Did you show that account to Ardup again to-day ?"-"Yes, sir."-"Did you tell him it had' been on the slate long enough, end Td like to rub it out?"— '.' Yes, sir. - "What aid he say?"-"He said it looked as if you were trying to rub it jp. —The Barber (lathering customer and casing out of Ac window) : "I tell you, wr, the man who shaves himself keeps the bread and butter out of some poor barber s mouth." The Customer (fiercely): And incidentally the lather out of his own. — "Mr Gingham," said Taper, "I would like a fortnight's absence to attend' the weddinz of a very dear friend?'— "lt must be a very dear friend ind-eod to make you want that much time. Who is it? -''Well, s-'r, after the ceremony she will be my W1 — Affected Youth: "You can always tell a gentleman, don't ye know, by his collar and cuffa T am- always particular about thet." Old Gentleman: "Yes^ and if 1 were your. father, I should be particular to 6ee that you -were properly collared and cuffed.V The Manager: "How came you to leave your last place?" Applicant: "I was discharged .for" good behaviour. in© •Manager : "Discharged for good behaviour ! That's unusual, isn't it?" Applicant: •'Well, you see, good conduct took three months off my sentence." — Bimberley: "My wife has ceased going through my Dockets when I'm asleep." Jimpson: "So"? What's the explanation?" Bimberley: '1 bought one of those mechanical mice the other day and put it in my nooket, and since then she has lost all- interest in the financial question." Young Lady: "I'll consent to become engaged to you, but only provisionally. If I meet a man I love better I shall claim my freedom, of course." Gent: And if I meet a young lady I like better, what then?" Youn# Lady: "You just dare. 11l have you up for breach of promise, and don't you forget it." I(W , — Phrenologist (enthusiastically): 'Why, sir, your bump of veneration is the greatest I have ever seen. Such a bump should make you a bishop!" Delighted Subject: "Begorra, an' is that co? Well, 111 get Paddy Nolan to g-ive me another wnacK .in the same place, and I'll be an arohJbishop at once." , — He: "Well, what have you there? She: "Two of your old love letters, my dear." He: "Umph ! What's the first one— that 40-pager?'' She: "One you sent .When I had a slight cold before we were ttarriedr This half-page is the one you wrote last winter when I was very ill with influenza. That's all, dear." — The day after the wedding. "I suppose, Henry," paid the old gentleman to the new son-in-law, "that you are aware the cheque for £1000 I put among your Wedding presents was merely for effect?" "Oh, yes, sir," responded the cheerful

Henry, "and the effect was excellent. The bank cashed it this morning without a word !"

— "And now, my good woman, tell the court what sort oi a weapon ifc was your husband struck you with ' "Wha said he used a weapon?" snapped the old lady. "You said so yourself when you gave your husband in charge," answered the astonished lawyer. "I said nae sic thing, for the thing that oor John struck me on the heid wi' was naethmg naair nor less than the poker." — A Frenchwoman was complaining to her husband that he was too much of a bookworm, that he retired too often to his study, leaving her to spend many evenings alone. "I wish," she ended, plaintively, "that I were a book. Then I might always have your company." "In that case, my dear," the Frenchman answered 1 , "I'd 1 wish you were an almanac. Then I could change you once a year." — Armies and Navies versus Education. — • Bishop Cyrus D. Foss was talking about the world's custom of spending more on armies and navies than on education. "I once heard this custom epigrammatically condemned by an Irish priest," said' Bishop Foss. "There was under discussion a bill to appropriate 36 million dollars for battleships and 12 million dollars for schools. The priest spoke against the bill, and his speech ended in this way: — 'Friends; consider this proposal. Its absurdity is evident. For education 12 million dollars, for warfare 36 million dollars. That is to say, 12 million dollars for putting brains in, and 36 million dollars for blowing them out.' " — Quito lately a working man of the best type, having been laid up in a London hospital with an illness which needed incessant care, was at last nursed into convalescence. Gratitude to the kind lady * who had tended him beamed on his honest face as he wished her farewell with untutored cordiality— "Good-bye, Miss Nurse, and thank you heartily. If there ever was a fallen angel on this earth, it's you." An old Balliol friend to whom I have told this anecdote caps it with an experience of Charles (afterwards Lord) Bowen, whom we both knew very well. Bowen, when .at Oxford, went to a tobacconist's shop to order a peculiar kind of tobacco. As the woman in the shop did not understand the order, he explained that her husband would understand it perfectly. "My husband, sir, is above." Bowen: "Surely you can call him down?" "No, sir, he is in | heaven." — Spectator. j