FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2671, 24 May 1905, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY.

—P: ''Wasn't it Solomon who said that * charity begins at home'?" Q: "I shouldn't wonder, judging from the extent of his family." — "He that takes a wife takes care,'' Bays Franklin ; . but Brown says that Franklin is wrong — that he^ who takes care doesn't take a wife*. V T — He: "I am glad you have taken off that horrid veil." She: "Why, Cholly?" He.: "It was like a piece of paper around a. pound of sugar." — "I see Newlywed at the club quite often Since his baby came. I thought he was firmly anchored to a home life." — "He was, but at the first squall he began, to drag his anchor." —"I have here," said the long-haired •visitor, "a poem I wrote on ' Niagara Falls ' " ."The idea!" exclaimed the editor; "and how did 1 you manage to keep your paper dry?" — She: "Women may gossip sometimes, but '.they have better control over their tongues than men have." He: "You are Tight. Men have no control whatever over women's tongues." — The Niece: "Weren't you shocked, •nricle, when you heard that Harry had died^ and left me a "widow?" The Uncle: "Well, no. That's about all I ever expected he would- leave -you." ■^"1 say, doctor," queried the man who. ■was looking for free information, " can you . Hell me why- liquor makes my nose red?"— "Sure;/ thing," calmly replied the M.D. ; ''because you drink it." t—"l- pity the man who can't learn anything from his own mistakes. Now, that's one*, thing- I can do," said Bragg. "Ah ! You're "-always learning something 'then, arent'you?" replied Knox. 14- Mrs Gulliver: "What a lovely rainbow that is !" Mrs Nurich : "Do you think so?" Mrs . Gulliver : "Why, don't- you?" Mrs Nurich: "Oh, I daresay it's all very well, but the colours are too loud for my taste." - -^-Friend: "Where is that mathematical phenomenon that was here last year? Wonderful 'the way he could juggle with figures." Manager : "Oh, he's left the stage and taken a. situation, with a gas company." — The 'Maiden : "I have a fluttering about my heart, and I have no appetite, doctor." The Doctor: "Oh, you're in love! I can't do anything for that." — "You can't, doctor?" — "No; I can't." — "Why, \docfcor, you're not married!" \ — Demonstrated. — A youthful aspirant for journalistic distinction, who was asked to write an article on superstition and imbecility, began his essay thus: "That imbecility is not on the wane perusal of the following lines will amply demonstrate." — Harry: '"Barrett paid you a very hand- j Gome comnliment last evening." IMok: I ".Yon don't mean it!" Harry: "Yes. He! eaid he didn't' believe all the mean things that are said about you. I thought it very nice of him to say it, and I thought you ought to Icriow it." -r- A _young Irish lady, travelling in a compartment with two or three Englishmen, , was listening to their rather free comments on-; Irish habits, and customs. .At last .one 'of -the ■ Englishmen' loudly .remarked : "Oh, the Irish 'even. «leep with the pigs." — - fr Yes," quietly broke in our young friend, " "and travel, with pigs too, sometimes." She heard . no" more. — Cornered.— -Elderly Aunt: "Gwendolen, you shock- me when you talk of a wedding being' pulled off.' You ought to I be ashamed to use prize-fighting slang in j speaking of so solemn a thing as a wedding." Young Niece: "You misunderstood me. Aunt Hepzibah. I said the wedding had been put off. But how did you happen to know that ' pulled off ' is prizefighting slang? " — -At a country fete a conjurer was per- . forming the old trick of producing eggs from a pocket handkerchief, when he said to a youngster who was looking on : "I cay, my boy, your mother can't get eggs •without hens, can she?" — "Oh, yes, she can," smartly replied the boy." — Why. hovr does she do it?" asked the conjurer. "She keeps ducks,", replied the astute youth, to the bewilderment of his interrogator. —It happened that Rafael Joseffy, the illustrious pianist, was once taken to hear c phonograph. The clerk outdid himself iv a careful explanation of the mechanism of the invention. "This is the way you start it," he said, and the strident din filled the music shop. Horror and sufFe-ring were evident in the eyes of Joseffy. Struggling with a palpable desire for flight, he finally managed to gasp : -"An' ees there perhaps some way to scop eet?" —In some parts of Ireland it is a custom emong bank olerks to speak of one another as "officers" of the banlk,- but little tJim Bender, the recently-imported Cockney waiter in a County Mayo hotel, was not aware of this custom. "Have you seen any of our officers here thjs morning?" asked a lordly knight of the quill of Jim a few days ago. Jim glanced keenly at his interrogator..* "Yjissir," he answered promptly. "It isn't three minutes ago since one of 'em "Went out — with Lis sword be'ind 'is ear ! '*" — "James," said the new shop-walker at » drapery shop, rt did not that lady buy some of that cheap material?" — "Yes, sir." — "How was that, after you had shown her the better sort?" — "She did not care about that." — "You didn't push it sufficiently, young man ; or is she a lady that you know?" — "I know her very well, sir." — "Ha, that accounts for ifc. This matter must be reported to Mr F . I am sure he will never tolerate this showing of favours to friends. Who is the lady- -a sister, or what?" — "No relation at all, sir." —"Who is she then?"— " Mrs F , sir— the governor's wife ! " — Some Pointed Pars. — Wedlock often turns out to be a padWt. "Mistakes are the milestones in a man's life. It's impossible to kill suspicion begotten ( of deceit.. Some men impose on themselves when they tax their memory. If you would be happy you must learn to live a day at a time. It is never too late to mend, but sometimes it is time wasted. Sorrow, like the age of a woman, grows less every time it is told. The average girl finds it much easier to gat married than to keep house. There's nothing more heroic than the »bllity to say no to yourself occasionally. The woman who listens to flattery not only fools hersslf but the flatterer as well. The individual who sits down and waits for the world to appreciate him will discover after tbe race that he. was left at the post j

THE BILLAD OF THE COAL STAGE. c A lean-to all grimy and fiat, Where ■enginemen ever pay toll, Be they lean, lanky, solid, or fat, For here is their haven of coal — • A mixed-up affair on the whole — No outsider knows what they're at, As they shout, shovel, whistle, and roll; And the soul of the jumble is Mat. His waistcoat is open; his hat Hangs somewhere, but not on his hair; His visage is black as a bat, His arms to the elbows are bare; His shovel is ready to bear The lumps as they tumble; and Jack, And Geordie, and Teddy are there, Dividing the coal dust with Mat. The truck door comes down with a, bat, The winch bearings rattle and wheeze Like the cries of a bad-tempered cat ; Firemen shout, leaving out "If you please," While the steam hisses out like a breeze, Front the nethermost regions of Nat : Such trifles of music as these Are chords very common to Mat. 'Tis truth, so we must put it pat — No mind there superior reigns 'N&ath the lean-to all grimy and flat: -■> A noodle might handle the reins, For you don't shovel "shiney" with brains ; But there's brains in the co. for all that, To prove which needs but take the pains On the quiet to button-hole Mat. "Port Elizabeth," "Seddonville," "soft," Dust and haste 'neath'a lean-to that's flat, Lifts the voice of Confusion aloft, And the King of Confusion is Mat. — J. M. Invercargill, May, 1905. AT SET OP Sljy. A silence steals along the world, Sw«et eyes look kind, and all is well : The woods are still in the coming gloom But the wind is born and the cloud lines loom In shapes unquiet as the sea- mists rise, As the light and life are to darkness whirled, And a dead hope quivers along the world : But sweet eyes look kind, and all is well. The wind has moaned through the swaying trees The song of the sea and the veiling night: The last grey-gold of sunset dies, And the dark, deep sweep of the evening ski3s Has crushed in » ruthless tyranny The last low dying touch of light: And earth is shrived, and the passing knell Of the day's bright soul steals along the world — But sweet eyes look kind, and all is well. — L. E. F. Dunedin, May, 1905.