FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2665, 12 April 1905, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY.

— Skinning a Lamb. — At the stockyards, in two minutes, the work is done : on Wall street, New York, it's done in one.

— Visitor ; " Don't you find it difficult to get servants hero?" Mistress: '"Not a bit. Why, I've had five within the last three weeks." — Little Paul: "Papa, what is a bigot?" Professor Broadhead : "A bigot, my son, is a person who rs absolutely certain of something he knows nothing about." — " Oh, would I were a bird," she sang. And the young man leaned his head wearily upon his hand, and murnrared : "Would you were, and the window open." — Lady (to returned 1 missionary) : " And how was the iking of the> savages clothed?" Missionary. " H m— principally with authority, madam, and not much of that.'"

— Guest : "Ah ! Then yon are a musician. What instrument do you play?" Musician: "The first fiddle." His Wife (emphatically) : "But only in the orchestra !"

— Foreman : " Why don't you insist on being the head of the house?'" "I am the head of the house?" answered Mr Meekton, resolutely. "But, as Henrietta says, a head is no good without brains."' — Time's Changes. — "Is the story you have written a historic novel?"' . "No," answered the- litterateur in "bard luck. "It's a- modern novel now. But I guess it -will be historic before I get it published."

— "Riches, my friend." said the plutocrat, "do "not bring happiness." . "Maybe not," said the proletarian, "but it must be a heap of satisfaction to have a lot -of money and be able to talk like that to a chap that hasn't any." — Guest (admiringly) : "So your wife painted all this lovely china?" Mr Naggs: " Oh. yes." Guest (interestedly) : "And is she successful in firing it?" Mr Nagpss (instinctively dodging): "Oh, perfectly! Maria seldom misses anything." — Mrs Diggs : "Did you hear about Mrs Naggsby's misfortune?" Diggs: "No; what was it?" Mrs Diggs: "She lost her voice suddenly a few days ago.". Diggs : "Huh ! I wondered why Naggsby looked co cheerful when I met him this morning."

— Signs of Genius. — " I reckon John must have been cut out fer one o' these here geniuses that writes for the magaziiiFS," said the- old man. "What makes you think so?"' '"Can't make money enough to git his hair cut, an' would rather watch a star than dig a well." — "Any letter for me?" asked a young lady of a postmistress in a country town. "No," was the reply. "Strange!" said the young lady aloud to herself, as she turned away. "Nothing strange about it," cried the postmistress over the counter. "You pint answered the last letter he writ ye."

— A Sunday school teacher recently told her class about the cruelty of docking lambs. "Oan any little girl tell me,'" she said, "of an appropriate verse of Scripture referrin-g to such treatment?" A small girl held up her hand. "Well.. Angelica?" "What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder."

— As Falseman was .leaving home in the morning for hi« daily dtity in the city, he 6aid to his wife: "Oh, by the way, .my dear, if I find I can't get away from- the office in time for dinner to-night, I'll send you a note by a messensrer." The wife, in a tart tone, replied: "Tow needn't bother. I have already found the note in your coat pocket." — The middle-aged man who residea in the tall white house with the green blinds simply sat and looked and looked and looked at the middle-aged wife of his bosom, and she sat and looked and looked and looked at him. Neither said a word. She had painstakingly planted his liver pills, and he in turn had taken her eweet peas. There really wasn't anything to say. — Muggins's wife was trying to urge him to give up smoking. She was pointing out to him how much, in the»course of a year, lit? spent on tobacco. She was showing him. that, mentally, physically, and financially, he would be better off without his pipe. "But all great men have smoked." he grumbled. "Well," <-he answered, "if you'll give up smoking till you're great, I'll be quite satisfied." — W&ary Willie : "Please, mister, can y»u give the head of a motherless family 500 this cold morning? I am trying to hold together my children." The- Iconoclast: "You are the same fellow who stopped me yesterday and wanted a quarter to buy a marriage license." Weary Willie: "I know it, mister; but you know nowadays it ain't perlite to tie yourself dowji to one family. Yer ain't the "only feller as hez a rer>pyta.shun to support." — Senator Perkins, of California, tells a story of a scene in a court room on the cnast, where a man arrested for robbery vehemently asserted his "innocence, even after he had been convicted by a jury. "May the Almighty strike me dead on this spot if lam not innocent !" he shouted. The judge waited for a minute or two. Then he said : "Well, prisoner, as Providence has not interfered, I will take a hand and sentence you to three years at hard labour." — They stood beneath the stars, and, silent as the heart-beats of the night looked far away into the diamond-studded shirtfront of the sky. "Is that Mars?" he whispered, as ho slipped his arm about her taper waist, and gazed upon a glittering orb in the distant blue. "No. it ain't!" she exclaimed, jerking away. "It's mine ! And if you think you are hugging mother, I can tell you you are mistaken !" The matter was amicably adjusted before anything serious resulted. — Slhe was a young American girl, and she lived in a bleak western city in days when" there were no institutes for the treatment of rabies, or threatened rabies, save la France. Her life was ugly and monotonous, and one day she burst into a neighbour's house almost beside herself with joyous excitement. Her dark eyes flashed ; her cheeks had a delicate rose flush. Panting a little, she cried in a tremulous voice : "Thank goodness, we are going to Paris al last ! Dad l has been bitten by a mad dog !" THE. "LEG-O'-MTTTTON SLEEVS. We have listened to the rustle Of the home-made paper bustle, And the leg-o' -mutton sleeves have canght our , eye ; We have side-stepped crinoline, And enraptured we have seen The rainy-daisy skirts parading bj;.

We admit iwe liave a passion Just to watch tlie frijls of fashion, Fair woman's ni'arijf shifts from toe to crown; But the thing that plays the deuce is This last freak that bars excuses — ife» Teg-q' -mutton sleeve jtwrned^ upjjjdg <Jownj