Mr Dooley on Short-term Marriage.

Otago Witness, Issue 2661, 15 March 1905, Page 81

Mr Dooley on Short-term Marriage.

"Who is George Meredith?" asked Mr Hennessy. "Ye can search me," said Mr Dooley. •*'What is th' charge again' him?" "Nawthia'," said Mr Hennessy; "but I •cc he's in favor iv short-term marredges.-" "What d'ye mean?" asked Mr Dooley. **Reducin' th* term f'r good behavyor?' "No," said Mr Hennessy. "He says people ought to get marrid f'r three oil four years at a time. Thin if they don't like each other, or if wan gets tired, they break up housekeeping" "Well," said Mr- Dooley, "it mightn't "be a bad thing. Th' throuble about mathrimony as I have obsarved it fr'm me seat in th' grand stand is that afther fifteen or twinty years, it settles down to an endurance thrile. 'Women,' as Hogan says, 'are creatures iv such beauchcous mien that to fee loved they have but to be seen; but,' he says, 'wamst they're seen an' mado secure,' he says, 'we first embrace, thin pity, thin endure,' he says. Most iv th' ©1: marrid men I know threat their wives like a rockin' chair, a great comfoft whin they're tired, but apt to be in th' way at other times. Now, it might be diff'rent if th' ladies instead iv being secured f'r life ■was on'y held on a short-term lease. " Whin Arcbybald, th' pride iv Sbuth IWather sthreet, makes up his mind that it wud be well f'r his credit if he enthered th' holy bonds iv mathrimony an' selects tb' target iv his mad affections, he thinks that all he has to do is to put a geeranyum in his buttonhole an' inthrajooce himsilf be his first name to be carried to th' altar. But th' ladies, Gawd bless thim, are be nature skilled in this game, an' befure Archybald has been coortin' two weeks he begins to shift his ideas iv his own worth. He finds that at best he has on'y an outside chance. He wondhers if he is really worthy fv th' love iv an innocint young girl iv 32. Has he money enough to support her as she slmd -be supported ? He even has doubts, f'r th' first time in his life, *iv his owsi ravishing beauty. He detects blemishes that he niver see befure. He discovers that what lie used to considher a merry twinkle is a slight east in th' right eye, an' that th' fillin' shows in his teeth. "He consults a mannycure an' a hair dhresser an buys th' entire stock iv a gent's furnishin' shtore. Thin, whin he's thuply humble,, he gees thremblin' bo Belinda's house raysolvecl that if th' fair wan rayfuses him, as she prob-bly will, an' surely ought to, he _will walk off th' bridge an' end all. "It's at this time that th' short-term oonthract shud be sprung. I don't know how men propose. I niver thried it but •wansfc, an' i'h' hired girl said th' lady was not at home. • No wan will iver tell jre. Most marrid men give ye th' impressyon that their wives stole thim fr'm their agonised parents. But, a-nnyhow, we'll suppose that Archybald, layin' a silk handker- . chief on th' carpet, an' pullin' up th' leg iv his pantaloons to prevent baggin'. hurls himsilf impetchoosly at th' feet iv his adored wan an' cries: 'Belinda, I can on'y offer ye th' love iv an hem-est South Wather sthreet commission merchant an' mimber iv th' Brotherhood iv Wholesale an' Re-Jail Grocers. Will ye take me f'r life?' "Belinda blushes a rosy red. an' replies: 'Archybald, ye ask too much. I cannot take ye Fr life; but I'll give ye a five-year lease, an' resarve th' right to renew at th' end iv that time.' she says. 'Will that do?' Bays she. -'I will thry to make ye happy,' Eays he. An' she falls on his manly bosom, an' between her sobs, cries: 'Thin let us repair at wanst to th' Title Guarantee an' Thrust Comp'ny an' be made man an' trife,' she says. " Well, afther Arcbybald is safely mamd, His good opinyon iv himself rayturns. Belinda does her share to encourage him, an' befure long he begins to wondher how as fine a fellow as him come to throw himsilf away. Not that she ain't a good creature, d'ye mind, an' slavishly devoted to him. He hasn't amnythingr agin her, still, think iv what he might have done if he had on'y known his thrue worth. Whin a man gets a good repytation, he doesn't have to live up to it. So bimeby Archyhald, knowin' fr^m what his wife says that he is handsome enough %vithout army artificyal aid, f'rgets th' mannycure an' th" hair dhresser. Sometimes he shaves an' sometimes he doesn't. So far as he is consumed, he thinks th' laundhry bill is too high. He advertises th' fact that he wears a red flannel chest protictor. His principal oonvarsation is about his lumbago. He frequently mmtions ih' fact that he likes certain articles iv food, but they don't like lim. Whin he comes home at night, he plays with rh' do;?, talks pollytics with his nex' dure neighbor, puts his hat ~an' a pair iv cuffs-on th' piannah, sets down in front iv th' fire, kicks off his boots an' dhraw® on a pair iv carpet slippers, an' thin notices that th' wife iv his bosom is on th' premises. 'Hello, ol' woman,' he says. Bow's all ye'r throubles?' he says. "Wanst a year Belinda meets him at th' dure with a flower in her hair. 'WelU' he cays, 'what are th' decorations about?' he says. 'Don't ye know 1 what day this is?' says she. 'Sure,' says he; 'it's. Choosdah.' 'No, but what day?' 'I give it up. St. Patbrick's Day, Valer.tine Day. Pay Day •What's th' answer?' 'But think.' 'I give it up.' 'It's th' annyvarsary iv our weddin'.' 'Oh,' says he, 'so it is. I'd clean f'rgot. That's right. T raymimber it well now that you mintion it. Well, betther luck nex' time. There, take that,' he says. Au' he salutes her on th' forehead an' goes down in th' cellar to wnrrruk on a patent ffliid that will rivolucionize th' grocery business. If he suffers a twinge iv remorse 'later, he tells her to take 2dol out iv th' Jiousekeepm 3 money an' buy bersilf a suitable prisint. "He's pleasant in th' avenin'. At sup.per, havin' explained his daily maladies at full length, he relapses into a gloomy silence, broken on'y be such sounds as escape fr'm a man dhrinkin' hot coffee. Afthei supper he figures on th' prob'ble market f'r rutybagy turnips, while his wife I'-ieads th' advertisements iv th' theatyres. '•Jawn Drew is here this week,' says she. 'Is he?" says Archybald. That's good,' lhe says. 'I haven't been to a theatyre since Billy Emerson died,' h& says. 'I hate th' theatyre. It ain't a bit like rale life as I 6ee it in business hours,' he says. Afther awhile, whin Belinda begins to tell him a thrillin' says-she about wan iv th' naybors. to lapses into a pleasant sleep, now an' Hi in arotisin' himsilf to murmur: 'Um-m.' <Ai 9 o'olock he winds th' clock, put,? the

dog out for the night, takes off his collai on th' stairs, an' goes to bed. Belinda set: up a little later and dhreams Richard Hard ing Davis wrote a book about her. ■" But th' five years ar're up at last. War mornin' Arohybald is glarin' fr'm behinc a newspaper in his customary jaynial break fast mood, whin his wife says, 'Where wil! I sind ye'r clothes?' 'What's that?' =ays be. 'Where d'ye live to-morrah?' 'Don'l b© foolish, ol woman. What d'ye moan?' says he. 'I mean,' says she, 'that th' least has expired. At tin-thirty to-day it r-runs out. I like ye, Arehybald, but I think I'll have to let ye go. Th' property has r-run down. The repairs haven't been kept up. Ye haven't allowed enough f'r wear am' t<.ar. It looks too much like a boar din'house. I'm goin' into th' market to prospect f'r a husband with all modhern mr provements,' says she. " Well, wudden't that be a jolt f r Archy bald? Ye bet he'd heat th' quarther-mile record to th' jooler's. He'd haul ou ol 1 pitchers iv himsilf as he was th' day he won his threasure, an' he'd hurry to s beauty upholsterer an' say : 'Make me as like that there Apollo Belvydere as ye can without tearin' me down altogether. It wud be fine. He'd get her back, maybe, but it wud be a sthruggle. An' afther that about a year befure th' conthract expired again, ye'd see him pidkin' purple ties oui iv th' shop window, buyin' theatyre tickets be th' seoor, an' stoppin' ivry avenin' ai a flower shop to gather a bunch of-'violets He'd hire a man to nudge him whin his biithday cam* around, an' ivry time th : arnyvarsary iv th' weddin' occurred he'e have a firewurruks. display fr'm the froul sloop. Whin he succeeded in convincin th' objeck iv bis affictions that she cud pui up with him f'r another five j'ears, they cue go on their weddin' journey. Ye'd read ir tbf> pa-apers : 'Misther an' Mrs Archybalc Pullets were married agin las' night be th President iv th' First Naytional Bank. Thej departed on their twelfth weddin' journej followed be a. shower iv rice fr'm their grand childhen.' It wud be £ne. I hope George TY'hat's-his-name puts it through." "Ye don't believe wan wurrud ye say,' said Mr H>;rmessy. "P'raps not," said Mr Dooley. "In m« l>eart I think if people marry it ought to b< f'r life. Th' laws ar-re altogether toe lenient with thim."