FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 2623, 22 June 1904, Page 62

FUN AND FANCY

— Mye<r: "Did you ever see a man-eating shark?" "No; but I once saw a man easing salmon." Ard it took the other 20 minutes to understand the connection.

"I think it is absurd to say kissing is dangerous," Miss Geitie. "WhaC possible disease could be spread by the simple act?" "Marriage 1" grunted Mr Grumpy. . —"I should like to go to my mother-in-law's funeral this afternoon, sir," said the bookkeeper tc tho employer. So should' I,"' replied the proprietor as he turned to 1119 desk again. —An Obliging Manager. —Amateur Actcr: "Oh, I don't want to take that character. I shall make an idiot of myself for ceitain." Manager: "Weil, you said you wanted on easy part." — Edisa: "I don't know whether to calt my bull dog Pompey Scipio. or Caesar." Arthur (who has had a sad experience witli tfcie animal) : "I think Agrippa would be a more suitable name for 'him." There was a young girl In the choir, Whose vote© rose hoir and hoir, Till it reached such a height It was clear out of <?eight.

And they found it nest d?y m the spoir.

— "There isn't much difference between me and Eve,'" said the- little girl who wa3 forced to wear her big sister's cast-off skirts. "How is that?" asked her chum. "Why, Eve had to wear leaves and 1 have to wear leavings." tJ "I wish to pay you for five cakes, said a traveller to a railway restaurant keeper. "But you had only four — a spongecake, a cocoanut cake, an almond cake, and a currant cake." "And a stomach-cake," added the traveller. — The Vicar: "Did j'pti see a pedestrian, pass this way a few minutes ago?" Farm hand: "No, sir. I've been workin' on this tater patch more'n a nower, and notfcer thing has passed 'cept a solitary man, an' he was rrampin' on fool. — Jlrs Richmond : ""They say brain work is more fatiguing- than any other kind of work?" Mrs Bronxborougli : "I quite beIknc it. Whenever my husband has to work late at th© office he i» sure to have a headache- tho next morning."

— Guide : "This, ladies and gentlemen, was the prison o£ the cattle. Through its walls, 3ft thick, no sound or groan or outcry from the prisoneis could be heard !" Tourist (to his wife): '•What a fine place, my dear, for your singing exercise !" — A gentleman, prominent in judicial circle*, had entered a restaurant, and was immediately approached by one of the* waiters, who remarked, cheerily: "I have devilled kidneys, pigs' feet, and calf's biains." "Have you?" replied the jurist coolly; "well, what are your ailments to me? I came her© to oat." — Dean Pigou tells of two notices which wero given out in church: "The preacher in this church on Sunday morning next will be found posted on the board outside this church." The other, in connection with a. meeting to bo held in the village schoolroom, was as follows:— "Please take notice that no children in arms will be admitted unless there is someone to take care of thjpm." An artist took his colours To paint a modern yotith, Wlic thought the world all beauty, And thought all language tiutli. He goet his canvas leady =t To hold the pleasing sce^e, Then carefully discarded 1 Each pigment save the green.

— Head Shop-walkea- (severely): "I heard you tell the lady she would find the ribbona at the third counter to the left." New Shop-walker : "That's where they are." Head Shop-walker: "Yes; but you should have toldi her to go to the right past the necktie bargaincounter, turn to the left past the hosiery bargain-counter, then three counters to the right pa.st the blouse ba.rgaincounter, and «< ou. You'll never make a, shop-walker." — Not What He Meant.— The colonel d£ a regiment, who took tho chair at a teetotal meeting, endea-\ ou.red to impress hit men in a somewhat exceptional manner. "You see, men." he said, "if you sign the pledge, you will sa\e your money and retain your characters and reputation for good conduct. Some time or other you will be able to retire and enjoy tho result-a of your comnionsense. You w ill never need 10 i-eek employment, for you will have enough put by to purchase- a little business of your own — say a publichouse" — the orator stamroered — "at lcs^t— at lepst — h'm — I mean a gieengrocer's shop 1" — Here are two stories of golfers: — A player, finding the language on a certain course was very muc-A stronger than the play, suggested that, when annoyed, the golfers should substitute the. harmless exclamation of "Cuckoo!"' for more- lurid phrases. Tho custom caught on, and you may hear '-Cuckoo !"' from many a golfer there to-day. The second story is that a minister who was a very unsuccessful player was heard muttering, "I must give it up; I must give it up."' Said his friend. "01:, no; you must per-evne. The minister said, "I was not referring to the game; I meant I must gne up the ministry !"' —So Lonely —"What's thp matter with you?'' asked his wife. "I"m feeling lonely/* \\as the reply. "Don't you like, this town':" "I don't like this earth.' "What's the- _ objection to it?"' "People arc too egotistical. If there's anything I hate it's e?ot.sm. And when I see kings going aboul conndently and doing thing-, vrong. and diplomats trying all sorts of insincere tricks with complete effrontery, and lawyers seeking applause for arguing on the wrong, side of a ca^e, and' everybody displaying utter selfishness without a blush, I am forced to the conviction that I am the only consistently high-toned and moral gentleman ou this globe. And it makes- me feel lonely." — Mrs Maloncy's husband is a icinbla fellow for betting. Every mortal thing- in the hou-.e that was pawnable was sacrificed to find tho wherewithal to back a '"deadi ceit.," which invariably had 'to run very hard to come in last. Tae rent was some weeks in avrears, ami the landlord was coming thai week for the last timt\ piior £o' putting the bailiffs in. Maloney knew this, and left a note with his wife for the landloid, who duly ca % :«, : v1..vl <be no _\ Opened it, and rt:ul as follow «: — "Put two bob each way on 'Xe\cr Sweat,' -deduct your rent, and pay mo tho balance." The landlord was struck with tho audacity of tho request, and wrote on ihc back of the note as follows: — "Ha\c a bit on bum-bailiff next week." "And."' said Mis Maloney. lai-mi? her apron to her cje«, "that h the fii.->5 tip I ha\e e^er Lno^n to come oii a "