FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2604, 10 February 1904, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

— "No cows, no cream," was the way a compositor set up tho words, "No cross, no crown."

— As a Rule.— "What is your idea of an average man?" asked the youth. "An average man," replied the sage, "is a man who thinks that he* is better than the

average. — A Cessation of Hostilities. — Papa: "Been quarrelling with George again?" Daughter : "No, indeed 1 haven t ! It's too near my birthday for me to quarrel with anybody." — Tommy : "I'm going to begin vulgar fractions to-morrow, ma." Mother: "You shall do nothing of the kind, Tommy. You shall study the very best fractions they have in tho school."

— Two Roads Open. — A phy-ician at ono of the big hospitals is reported to have Eaid : "ThcTO- are two things to be done in rheumatism — grin and bear it, or bear it and not grin."

—In Return. — First Man: "I wish yoxi would shoot that dog of yours. Ho annoys the whole neighbourhood." Second Man: "I will if you'll shoot your daughter or burn your piano."

— "Well," said Pat, "cliver as ye are, yo can't tell me what keeps bricks together." "Shure," said Mike, "it's mortar." "No," said Pat. "It's wrong that ye are. Sure morther keeps them apart !"

— A lady one day, in conversation with Garrick, said: "Dear sir, I wish you wero a little taller." To which he replied: "My dear madam, how happy should I be, did I stand higher in your estimation."

— Professor : "This eccentricity you speak of in ycur daughter, isn't it, after all, a matter of heredity?" Mother (severely) : "No, sir ! I'd have you know, sir, there never was any heredity in our family !*' Love is a sickness full of woes, All remedies refusing ; A plant which with niost cutting giows, Most bairen with least tisirg

— "Do you smoke, sir?" c aid a Lcmdon sharper to a country gentleman, whom he met in a coffee-house, and with whom he wished to scrape acquaintance. "Yes," said the other, with a cool, steady eye, "anyone who has a design upon me."

— One Way. — "Yes," said the Arizona landlord, "I remember the party you are looking for. He committed suicide last spring." "Is it possible!" exclaimed the inquiring 1 friend. "How did he do it?" "By stealing a horse," replied the native. — Spoke Feelingly. — "My dear," askod Mrs Wedderly, "what's the difference between idealism and realism?" "Idealism," replied her husband, "is love's young dream." "Yep," said she, "and realism?" "Oh, that's what matrimony introduces." — Never Had It. — "To what do you attribute your longevity?" asked tho reporter. "My who?" queried the oldest intabitant. "Your longevity," repeated the reporter. "Nover had it. As far as I can remember I ain't oie^er had no svich complaint." —In Corroboration. — Absent-minded and Impecunious Professor: "A debt collector, you say? Did you tell him I was out?" The> Factotum: "Yes, sir, but he wouldn't believe me." Tho Professor : "H'm ! Then I sutopose I shall have to go and tell him myself." —In Reply. — Leading Lawyer: "Look at me. I never took a drop of medic me in my life, and I'm as strong as any two of your patients." Leading Doctor: "Well, that's nothing. I never went to law in my life, and I'm as rich as any two of your clients put together." —In Doubt. — "I sometimes wish I had devoted myself to a commercial career instead of to art." said the tragedian. "Tho shoals of speculation are strewn with wrecks, said the business man gravely. "I knowthat. .1 sometimes question which are the more dangerous, market quotations or Shakesperian quotations." — Smith: "Come and go with me to the Zoo." Jones : "No, thank you ; I'll stay at home. My eldest daughter does the kangaroo walk, my second daughter talkcs like a parrot, my eon laugh, like a hyena, my wife watches me- like a hawk, my cook is a?^ cross as a bear, and my mother-in-law says I'm an old gorilla. When I go anywhere I want a change."' — "My brother bought an atitomobile here last week," said an amgry man to the salesman who stepped forward to greet him. "and he says you told him if anything broke you would supply a new part." "Certainly," said the clerk; "what does he want?" "He wants two deltoid muscles, a couple of kneepans, one elbow, and about half-a-yard of cuticle," said the man, "and he wants 'em right away." — Suet or Dripping? — A gentleman called ore evening to see Suett, the comedian, at the stage door of the theatre at which the actoi -was engaged. Suett not being in the theatre, the gentleman — to whom the actor's person was unknown — resolved to wait. Presently the actor came in, drenched with rain, which was falling heavily. "Pray, sir," =aid the gentleman, "are you Suett?" "Egad," was the reply, "I rather think I'm dripping." —In a small debt action for tho \alue of a pony, which it was alleged had been over-ridden, and died in consequence-, an elderly woman was the first witness. After being examined for th© plaintiff, she was about to leave the box, when the defendant's lawyer stated that he had a question or two to ask. On hearing this, the old woman said abruptly: "I'm for nane o' yer question^; ye're no' on oor side!" Laughter loud and long followed, in which the court ioined. — When Sir Conan Doyle was practising medicine in the days previous to his literary success, he had little patience with persons who imagined themselves to be ill when really there was nothing the matter with them. A story is told of a man who visited bim one day with an imaginary ailment in his side. He described this ailment in great detail. Putting his hand above his hip, he said : "I get pain here, doctor, whenever I touch my head." "Why on earth, then," said the physician, "do you touch your head?"

Change of Water often brings on diarrhoea. For this reason iriany experienced travellers carry a bottle of Chamberlain's Colic, Cholera, and Diarrhoea Remedy with them to be used in case of an emergency. This preparation has no equal as a cur© for bowel complaints. It cannot be obtained ■while on board the cars or sterimship, and that is whers it is most likely to be needed. Buy a bottle before leaving' home. Sold by all dealers,