EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2572, 1 July 1903, Page 81

EDITOR'S WALLET.

Studies ia Natural History: The Kef> rmer. (Bt Doeotht Dix.)

The Reformer.— This melancholy creature, which, is the direct offsipring of dyspepsia and enlargement of the spleen, is cane of the parasites that follow the flag, and whenever it can ccc its shadow in any community, civilisation has arrived. It ie never found in sparsely settled places, but sticks oloseJy to the centres of population, where it fattens find thrives upon the dirty linen of society. Tho Reformer is indigenous to both Europe and America, but no other place in, the world possesses so many millions of them to the square inch as do the New England States. This, doubtless, is because this is in the heart of the Pie Belt— a condition peculiarly favourable to the development of Pate de Fois Gras and a desire to bat everyone who seems to be having a good time, for anatomiste tells us that no Reformer with a healthy liver in good working order has ever been discovered. Naturalists have never been able to classify properly this strange animal, owing to the fact that rt exliibits so many contradictory characteristics in appearance and disposition, the females among it having short hair, strident voie«6, and' a fuzz on their upper lips, while the males wear long hair, and closely resemble old women in their fussy ways. Both of them, though, have a>n abnormal power of blushing at things that ordinary people eoe no harm in, and an insatiable mania for prying into things that appear to shock them. This lias led some naturalists to place them in the human buzzard tribe (genus ecandalmongis), while other students, who contend that tbey nevei object to anything they want to do themselves, hold that they b&long to the dog in the manger class (genus grouchiis). In appearance the Reformer has little to attract the eye outwardly, but it k said to have a beautiful soul, though it has been impossible to verify tins latter statement. As has been said 1 it is difficult for tho casual observer to distinguish the sexe6 apart, as the females wear short, baggy dTeases and the males long, "baggy coats, both of which in their lack of fit much resemble the hide of a rhinoceros. In addition the femaks never seem to curry their looks, or possess enough hairpins, or to know how to pin on a hat straight, but notwithstanding thw the species showa a large amount of vanity, for they decorate themselves with streamers of white and blue and puple ribbon, which indicate the various Causes they have espoused, and give people a chance to flee for their lives when they ccc one xpproaching. Tho habits of the Reformer are extremely interesting. So far as can be learned it is entirely devoid of the senise of taste, and subsists upon vegetables and cold water, and to thia diet may be traced its peculiarities of action. Careful observers report that after rising in the morning, and partaking of a. large draught of cold water and a plate ot breakfast food, which lie heavy and clammy on ite stomach, the Reformer kicks the dog, swears at his wife, and sallies forth to see how much pleasure it can stop. Science has never been aible to explain what oauset a red rag to be maddening to a bull, but the eight of any kind of hilarity has tho same effect precisely upon a Reformer. As soon as it sees people tmjoying themselves it gets ite head down, and with a snort of rage charges upon them. The eight of a game of Pinochle or a group of people disporting- themselves with a high, ball is peculiarly enraging to many Masculine Reformers whe are forced to drive the Water Cart, while many females throw a fit at the sipht of beautiful women in evening dress at the opera. The latter, it should be said, are not built for decollete effects. Other Reformers, with a highly cultivated talent for seeing evil, spend their time looking it naughty pictures on the bill boards, which, in common with tho Harlem goats, they alone seem to enjoy. The chief characteristic of the Reformer is its inability to laugh. It bas no .sense of tumour, and ia never so happy as when it has a red-hot scandal or a crying outrage that it is trying to unearth and that smells to heaven. It then becomes quite cheerful, reflecting upon how bad people are. Another peculiarity of tho Reformer ia that as a species it is afflicted with a &hortaiess of vision that prevents Us =eeing any further than its own nose, and this causes it to commit the most "xtraordinary blunders, and butt into places where it does great harm. Noth'ng. however, feazes the Reformei, and the le^s it knows about a thing the more apt it is to tackle it. Most people who desire to be permitted to live out thftir lives in pea<M? and cheerfulness stand in great fear of the Reformer, and the moro prudent take to the tall timber aud hide themselves when they «»ee cne coming, for it is th« cruel habit )f the Reformer to bore its victim to death. fhe Women's Olubs, however, who are as dauntless as the Amazons of old. frequently keep one of the6e> blasts, but whether as i pet or to scare away men is not definitely known.

Tho supply of Reformers is hardly up to the usual mark at present, though several choice specimen may be observed from lime to time wrestling with the Race Problem, the Canteen Question, and the Nude in Art.