FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2565, 13 May 1903, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

— Pat to Bridget : "You take no more notice to me "than if it was a dumb bhast spakeing to you." — Bootblack:' "Polish your boots, sir?" Swell: "No; confound you." Bootblack: "Polish your manners, sir?' 1 — Not Semi-teetotallers. — "Shay, Bill, ish that the moon or a 'lectric lamp?" "D'no ; wait till I feel if therc'sh a pesht under it," — Moike : "Is that a glafs eye I see yoz wearing, Pat?" Pat: "Wheht ! She is, but she's a fraud, for I can't see a stymo wid her. ' ' — He: "'Well, madam, you've got your wish. You have married a rich husband." She : "I've married a rich man, but a poor husband." — Xoggs : "And a cure for in?orr.nia i-= V' Physician (facctiou.-ly) : "And oldfashioned remedy is to count 509." Ncgg-s: "Very good, but our baby can't count." — Maud : ''Yes — well, I wae obliged to have him ; he said he couldn't live without f.ympailiy." lithol: "Ye?, and lie's got cvcrvono'3 sympathy now, poor fellow !" "Her cheek was velvet!" Thus declared His sweet love-note ; but when, in court, Theso notes were rend aloud, he thought Her cheek was of a different soTt. — Aunt Single: "I have known girls to marry in hjifite and rope-nt at leisure." Ada (n.eani'.igly) : 'And I'vo known pcoplo who never married at all, and repented ever after." — Mrs Tan Wimpe-r: "Yen never say nice things to me r.-cw as yen did before we were married. You u.'r-d to tell me I was pretty." "Van "Wimper: "We!!, you were." —"I believe," said Use young doctor, "that bad ccokis supj'y us with half our patients." "That's right," rejoined Jie old doctor. "And good cooks supply us with tho other half." — Coachman : "I am goxicr, to leave, sir. I can't stand the missur;." Employer: "Too strict, is she?" Coachman: "Yes, sir. She keeps forgotting that I cr.n leave any time, and behavoc, just as if I was you." Four dcttors tackled Tommy Dodd, To steal his bit of lucre. But Tommy Sectored up himself — Four doctors chorused "Euchre !*' — Jinks: "To-day I iilcafed a pretcy young woman by telling her that a ceriasi ied-faccd, snub-nosed, bald-headfid mortal looked like her. "Winks: "Get out!" Jinks: "Fact. It was her first baby." — "This fishini' fever eeenis to be contagious," said tho stranger, noting tlve long row of anglers perched upon the river bank. "Yes, it's contagious, a'l right," said the man who had been fishing four hours without a nibble, "but not ketchiti'." — Advised. — "Doctor." said the fussy invalid, "I understand the on'.y proper way to breathe is through the nose. Now. .sometimes I wake up and find my mouth wide open." "Well?" said Dr Gruff. "Wo:l, what shall I do?" "Shut it. of course." — The latest contribution to tho pages cf automobiliom literature ie as follows : — Have you heard of the new motor-car, That papa gave to mamma? They went cut all alone For a ride on their own ; Do you ask if we'rs orphans? We are! A certain comedian discovered that his wife was in the habit of using his choicest old whisky to make her hair curl. He replaced tho whisky with \ann.'li. and discovered her in her boudoir next day gnashing her toeth. She couldn't comb it out! Ha ! Ha ! —Ho (readincr) : "Of love that never found his earthly close " She (iutervnpting) : "Isn't Tennyson grand? You can always lenrn some-thin!* from him. Now T iindr -r-tand why Cupid is alwnvis rcprp. c entfd without anything on. But plccii.^ go on." -- Dilr.ct Visitor: "I'm yorrv to hear your hiwlv.nd is so ill, Mra Crumb?. "What is the mat tor with him:" Mr> 0. : "Well, mum, I i'oll't understand it at. all, but ;he doctor says V's Rot ' very close ' veins in h. : i» leg«. What tln'ryr. 5 them doctors do find out nowaday?, to 1>" Hire !" — The Costly Ci-iumc. — F.ho (writing): ''Dear, pleaso toll m.• how .o spoil 'continue.' lam writing ro mother about my lovely new dresw." Ho: "Well, arc< you riady?" She: "Yps." He: "C-o-!i-r. C oft ' She: "Yes." He>: "T-u, to " She : "Yes." He : "M-e. me — nine pounds, a- ypt. unpaid." — The ott.or nishf a crowded tr.iin sroamod into Luclia'p Hi!! Nation. .As t'io cfiwml l)>w his wl>i.=Me for it- ro-tart or.p of the junior arisfcracy rushed forward. "I s-av." ho remarked to a crowd of v.rrknioi in-si''" a "third.' "is flu's Xcali's A.rk full?" "Yi!f=." ca,m^ '.Ho <;u:ck reply, "all but (he ass. Con^o in!" A'i heiress who lived in Du'iuqii", Was conned and w?d by a duque, Rut this nob'cni?;i ?'■•:• ilad? her wealth f«lo nway. So ?ho had lo go oui as c clique. — "Wai," f.aid Farmer WilkV.'.M to hi.* rity boarder, who was up early ar.d looking ro-ind. "bon out to hoar tho haycock crow. T s'po-c?" and ho winkc-d at hi; hir'd man. "Xo." ronlifd .he city Icardcr, "I've boc-ii out'tyi.ic a knot en a covd of wrod. 1 ' Farmer Wilkins scow!"d at the hirr-.l man and wanted to know why l:o wa- r.ot getting to v. ork nt milkiiifc tlicsp cow=. — Ti'O piiyi'ioians wcrr> liddir.3 a coii'iiltaiion bo-id« the cot of tit -nan supposed to lave a^nendicitis conceal .<1 about hw pc-rson. "I believe." said c-pp of tho t-ur-geon=. "that we ehouhl wait and let him set siroii2>r bffdre ctr.tin^ into him." Befcr<» the other prr.«p<:<-tivp opr-ratnrs could ro;>!v ll'.r pf>ticnt turned hi~ la-ad ,nnd )-cmarked fecbiv. "What co you ta'xe me fo;- — fi ch'?o-p?" TTi«r small brother said to him: "M> : I \>-f, ? ik'clt the lounge w'non you Kr. We mil?', love on* ai'O'hfr. T-'cr ycu're my twelfth b o.lit, Since she promised thnt she'd b? your Sr. ' — Prof.-i.-or Mf-r'.in. of th" L : ck Observatory, a noted archaeoloijisi-, tells thi ■» story with trreat cr-to. While exen v.-.tine amonir the ruin« of Thcbo.-, hin workmen brought to light Fovci.il mumniir-3 in excellent preservation. One of thf-o apneared so lifelike that tho profewor applied restoratives for several hour;, and naited pa'icntly. tablet in hand, to record what the pl?op ; nX 0110 mitrlt have to te'.l coiKcrninu; Kgyntian history prior to the tinie of T<:inn>ses IIHe was at la.t si'.ccps.-.fii!. Thr* mummy turnn'l nvor, ar-d sli.irply ppoke vome hieroglyphic 1 , v.hich the prnfo-.«or translated a- "(!<j ro slcei), Maiia!" Tliink of a four thou-;>.'',d vear-' ourta.n kcluro! Lot j us be thaakful for cioiuatiou.