Understood, or Misunderstood? MRS HATRACK AT HOME.

Otago Witness, Issue 2556, 11 March 1903, Page 71

Understood, or Misunderstood? MRS HATRACK AT HOME.

. Mir Hatrack, of the Hightacb boarding house, has long fostered a wish to impress* Mrs Gincase, of the Hotel Qussie, with thebounteous nature of her establishment; therefore, she extracts a promise from Mrs Gincase to visit her upon a day, and a. day is set ipart. The day before the day set apart, Mrs Hatrack musters her corpulent forces, invades the kitchen, and takes up a belligerent position near. -the., range. She establishes her commissariat- on the table, first, however, despatching a friendly ambassador on a chariot, of smiles to the* , despot of the. invaded kingdom-; but .the '•cook, 'bei'ngVa.-femaJe,.,, assumes a, bitterly* hostile attitude, receives 1 the friendly equipage with contumely,, and war- is declared. - Tbe^cook contests her'grpund with Boerish. stubbornnesß,but'i3 finally- routed and* sub' dued' to, tears, having only sufficient energyremaining to -intimate that she .will '"trek" Jin. a week's time. The- invader, hesitates a while>fo reflect.' " This' is serious, ' but, ' crushing. '< consideration — Mrs Gincase is coming \ " ' . The invader grows desperate, blares Tforth distinctly, "Good riddance," and l will grant nc' concessions. She negotiates with hbr ''commissariat," producing a number of , articles from a brown paper parcel — smuggled in through a side door by a mystified grocer-boy — and commences, operations. She bustles, she fusses, she hustles. She dirties everything in the kitchen, including herself — excluding the cook, who; was never anything else, and who • has retired to her scullery fastnesses. - - She empties divers mysteries into- a dish, smashes eggs — and a cvp — and mixes up a plaster, which even the most self-respecting dog might- be ex'.cused for barking at, and which -she contrives to divide among the floor, some curled tins, ,13 cooking spoons, her hands, her hair, the range, and, the saucepans upon it. She even manages to anoint her face,' which, is waxing red. She fidgets and pokes tho fire; she lifts the lid of the kettle, and scalds herself with the steam. She opens and; bangs the oven door 15 times in three minutes to observe the progress of the curled tins containing the plaster aforesaid. She burns almost every combustible thing within her reach,, including her tongue, which* catastrophe causes her to swear "above" her breath, but which she conceals from her late adversary, whose soul, it would rejoice, and who would only regret the burning; did. < not penetrate to more vital parts. , In- her wrath^she pokes -the fire furiously * .tillr she- singea^.'hefe hair- and fills tfee- house with, asbe^s,.-which mak±- her cough, as they) do sundry, boarders drawing breath upstair? 'till, in short,; one .would imagine the establishment .had been indulging- m patent^ cough: <fxes. „ She- "scorches her -apron' and her face — blackening, both' • - . .'At- length", feeling ' bodily : and .mentally: harassed by a- withering' fire of malignant glances maintained from behind the pots in' the scullery, she collects her spoils of war, consisting of •. few confections easily procurable from the nearest oastry-cook's for^ sixpence, and evacuates the enemy's coun-' try, having ■ experienced sufferings therein which, if she had ever pseped into history, she would compare with those of Napoleon's grand army on its retreat from Moscow. As things are, sKe is debarred the balm derived from, such comparison. She- can imagine nothing to equal her distress. She is on the point of swooning with self-commisera-tion, bul braces herseli with the thought of the morrow's triumph — Mrs Gincase is coming. The day set apart is coaae — the hour. Mrs Hatrack piles the fruhs of her late war upon a d'oly, upon a plate, upon a cloth,upon a tray, upon a table in her best drawing room, and mounts guard by tht door, holding it agains. all comers. She is a stout woman with a thin temper, and in her occupation waxes passing warm. The critical moment c=mes. Mrs Hatrack entertains grave terrors respecting her cakes. X a wish could kill th,e dog she hearsbarking hilariously in the" distance- that .dog would bark no^more. . She examine-, her sweetmeats twico ,for every tooth jn. her head* which meanc pretty often, for her dental apartment has been completely furnished with a three-guinea "suite" -from the Plaster Gabb Dental Institute. "

As sht keeps watch, a half-starved fly, the last ot its race, which have all eithei migrated or died of starvation (the best drawing room being ft very desolate place indeed), issues from & crack, buzzing about r till the sentinel's soul is filled with immoderate vage and horror. SJie bursts in. upon it, observes the creature soaring ecstatically but with c certain reserve round her treasures. ehoo-shoog A drives it to ihe -jpin,-

dow, which it frantically endeavours to 1 break through, presses it into a corner, captures it, and; is" only deterred from conveying it to the- kitchen range for living crema- j tion by prudent reflections on the' late j war and present oakes. - While she hesi- ; tates the front-door bell rings; the fly, the last of its race, drops from her clutch dead ; • she flattens " out its emaciated little corpse j by stamping on it, and assumes the sweetest ; of great surprises when the maid in j the tremendous Mrs Gincase. . : - '

To detail what "follows were superfluous. Mrs 'Gincase sees the- cakes, and is not impressed (they will probably depress her later), neither is she overwhelmed by the other anomalous eclat "created by denuding tha upper story of its finest replenishinga and importing them to the drawing room — she is not impressed, be it repeated, but Mrs Hatrick thinks she is. She has kept the four-day-old loaf out of sight; the peculiarlooking mess of meat that has appeared at the dinner table under 'seven different titles on as many different occasions, and which I ha 3 manifested a disconcerting" desire ;to '■ come to life lately, is carefully imprisoned in the meat safe, though" a person with an ordinarily long nose might easily -locate ' it.-, --Mrs Gincoae expresses regret for the " trahsientness of - her - visit,"- bisses Mrs?-Hat-rack's fat. cheek; and cops away.-- Her hostess is ■ so -relieved and satisfied thai^ shemakea peace overtures to the' cook, and finally, both, support, a convention 1 ! by..whiehJ. at.' is understood that this , person ■ shall con- : tinue to inhabit' and rule her' own- dominion •without alien interference, in the ■management thereof, and amicable relationsate restored. ' ,' ' ,""" ~ • ",i