EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2509, 16 April 1902, Page 70

EDITOR'S WALLET.

I Play tlie Pingr-Pou? Champion. "You must vanquish the ping-pong champion," said the editor. From a handbook I gathered that pingpong -.vas '* just like tennis " m its main points. However, I glanced through it to get up a few technical terms to adorn, my corversation. I pitched on "Screw." '"Drive," '"Smash," and a few others a« suitable. The great match was duly arranged, and at the dinner which preceded the game tht» conversation was decidedly ping-pongy. I used my half a dozen phrases up by the time the entrees were reached, so tried to clange the subject. I mentioned Rosebery at Chesterfield. "Haven't heard of that tournament." "Does he half-volley?" were the replies I got. In despair I relapsed into silence. Dinner came to an end, and we at once retired to the drawing-room — the scene of action. When I entered most of the ladies were on their hands and knees, putting rugs and antimaccars over all the chinks and crannies 111 the room, to pre\ent the balls grtting lost. A beautiful-polished mahogany table stood in the middle of the rooio, and bisecting ie was a green net. Tho champion stepped up to it nitically with a tape-measure and a spnit-le\el, and, after putting it right with •■crews of paper under the legs, pronounced i«, " playable." " Now, sir." said the hostess, with a beaming smile, "what sort of racquet do you prefer to play with? Would you like \ellum. wood, parchment, wood "covered I with vellum, aluminium, or wood covered wirh sandpaper?" 1 1 thought aluminium sounded well, and T said I would have one. please. Mrs de I Tallboys handed me what I took for a small hand-mirror. Closer investigation showed ; me tl.e supposed mirror was really a highlypclished metal racquet, set in a black wooden handle. " Play !" cried the champion. He held a email white celluloid ball in one hand, a white vclhun racquet in the other. I took niy station on Ihe opposite side of tho net, and cnad, "Play it is." "I will serve," said tae champion. And he served — at least, I have i.ince been assured it was a "serve." At tho time the ball seemed like an extremely able-bodied meteor comi ing in my direction. It skimmed the net, bounced on my side of the table, and disapi peared over toy left shoulder. It sprang into an unprotected part of the furniture, and vanished. Immediately every onlooker started to grovel on the floor. It was evidently part of t!ie game. The only place they did not search was the corner I where I saw the ball disappear. 1 Long experience in "grovelling" had , taught me that no self-respecting ball ever I stays more than tho tl-.cu-andth part of a, second 111 one place. It wa« at last discovered in one of the vase 1 ; on the mantelpiece. Thrice more I stood the charge of the flashing white meteors, and then the hostess turned to me and said. " Love— game." " Pussionately !" I replied. It was not a question^ however, but tho =tate of the match that =lie announced, and "love" inc.. in that I had nn| scored a single point. T/iPii il wa« m» turn to -orvo. Ronipmbenng that it \\a-, "just like tennis." I ieoii?d over the net. and hit the bail vioipiitly down into the champion's court. He never attempted to play it— probably he had never i-cen it until tho dancing sphere camp to rc=< after wrecking a fragile bust of Daniel Webster '"Foul!" he cried indignantly. "Overhand service net allowed !" And the hostess, who acted as umpire, gave the point against me, with an extia viciousness on account of Daniel Webster. The next two bal'* I sent into the net, and the last off the table. Tlie next three ba.lL from my opponent I foozled, and accordingly asked for the chalk, a remark which was pa«sed over in cutting silence. The fourth ball I hit. I put all my strengthinto it, and it hit the table, and then smote the champion in the right eye. The fuss thoie ladies made about a little thing like that really made me ill, and I was nearly choked with the leek of the smelling botrles and can dp-Colognp that were pressed upon him. I won the point, though. Soon my opponent announced Ins readinees to start again. My well-directed ball had evidently s-haken him, for he sent the> next serve into the net. and the score stood at " love — thirty," I being the thirty. Three points in succession were won by the champion ; then he served off the table. Then he lost his temper, and called out " deuce." I reproved him pretty severely for forgetting himself in tho presence of ladie?. All stood ag'na.it at my ignorance. It wa= only the method of counting; so I withdrew my remarks, and apologi-ed. I c crip<l next. The- ball >vas returned, and I sliuck" at it blindly in mid-air The sharp edge of my metal reequet caug'it it, and •-plit it id liaK c«. Half went on tipi p floor, and the other half hit the table. Even the champion could do nothing with it, I flatter my-elf A heated di-ru««ion nro«p a= to whose point it wa?. 1 explained tliat it nun a mnsb difficult stroke, and e%en I ould not be =vi" > of doing it e\cry tune. Thinking me nn ca'-v prey, the champion now commenced fancy strokes. He made the ball curve sideways in the air. H« made it break at right angles to its line of flight, and wound up with what he calledth.: " under-cut." The ball rose high* bounced on my side of the net, and bounded; back again .0 him, amid volleys — or halfvo'.ley* — of applause. " The jnder cut was well done," I remarked, feehng limp. This sally was coldly

Then the champion said he would give an exhibition of strategy. Be sent me several easy balls, which I gently returned. I began to feel more at ease. I thought I was getting my eye in. Gradually he worked the ball to the side, and kept playing it to one spot. I went round the corner of the table, and stood there, so a3 to play more easily. The moment I wa3 comfortably round the corner of the table, he drove low and swiftly right across the court to the opposite corner. I nearly broke a blood-vessel trying to reach it, but it was two feet beyond me. This was strategy. Another irritating thing happened when one of my enemy's serves landed cm the extreme edge of the table and glanced off. I could not do anything but look on helplessly. At last a £end in the shape of a man came up to me and said : " Between you ~md me, the only way to play the champion's famous serves is to ' chop ' them. You receive the ball with a chopping movement pi the racquet. That'll baffle him." The champion was to be baffled at all costs. I gripped my good aluminium racquet •with both hands, and waited with beating heart for the next serve. I resolved to Straight and true caitve the hall. Tt bounced, and I chopped. They say it will cost £20 for a new mahogany table. A Bplinter about a foot long and eight inches ■wide came out, and the table was absolutely ruined. My hostess fainted away, and the guests loolded at me as if I were her murderer. I could stand it no longer. With a wild yell, and brandishing my weapon, T sprang lor freedom. In the hurry and confusion of the moment I came away with my own inferior umbrella. The top-hat I scoured, though, was a= good as I could have desired.