FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2487, 13 November 1901, Page 58

FUN AND FANCY.

— Universally So. — Gladys : "A Turkish woman doesn't know her husband till after sSc's married him." Agnes: "No woman does."

— Why are girls like needles' — Because they not only have eyes, but are very sharp, n-n i sometimes make a fellow uncomfortable.

— Information Required. — The Lady: "I want my photograph taken." Photographer: "Yes'm. Want a likeness, or something handsome?"

— Patience. "Mince pie always keeps me awake at night." Patrice: "It never troubles me ; but the plagued cats Keep me awake." "Is that so? I never eat any cats."

— Proved. — "When I last heard of him they u«-3d to say jbhe could twist him round her finirar -ike a piece of string." — " It was evidently true. She has since tied a knot with him."

— Cholly : "This is my grandmother's portrait, and I am thought to ha^e tome of her features." His AtLred : "Yes, I fee a strong resemblance bet-wen her eyebrows and your moustache."

—"I hear that you .aye been laid up with nervous pioetration. What was the matter — overwork or worry?" — "Not exactly. The fact is, I tried to ha\e a photograph taken that suited my wife." — iianham : "Why don't you stop reading and look at the scenery?" Mrs Benham : "Oh, I'll see it some other time: anybody, to hear you talk, would think this was going to be my lasl wedding trip." — Maud : "Why did Gertie Gotrox break off her engagement with Lord Littlecash?" Clave: "Oh. she is so conscientious. She was afraid she couldn't support him in the fctyle to which he had been accustomed."

— Answered.— Judge : "What is your trade?" Prisoner (who was caught in a gambling-house raid) : "I'm a locksmith." "What were you doing when the police entered?" "I wa» making a bolt for the door."

—"I suppose your wife _nisses you a great deal?" inquired the Liverpool woman of the man from London, who was waiting to see her husband. "Well, no, mum. For a woman she has a remarkably straight aim, mum," was the i - eply.

— Mrs Chatterton : "Henry, for goodness sake, don't wear such short trousers! One them to the rag man." Chatterton: "Not much ! You women haven't got any patent on the rainy-day costume idea. Thtve are my rainy-day trousers." — He : ''Often when 1 look up at the stars in the firmament I cannot help thinking how small, how insignificant, I am after all." She: "Gracious! Doesn't that thought e\er strike you except when you look at the stars in the firmament?"

— "Y-es," eaid the old inhabitant. "a mule kicked him 'crost a 10-acre field, an' when he landed a bull tossed him into a pine saplin', an' when he got thar a cyclone Mowed the> saplin' down, an' then he gne up farmin' for ever !" — Atlanta Constitution.

— Triv\el: "Did you hear of the dreadful revenge Prothingham took on Miss Dimling when plie refused his proposal?" Dicer: "What was it?" Trivvet : "De proposed to her mother, as Mis Dimling was a widow, and now he won't let a man come to the house to .«eo his step-daughter."

— "Don't waste your time in lopping the branches," said the woodman to his son. "but lay your axe at the root of the tree." The youth, being a dutiful and obedient son, obeyed his father implicitly, and then went off fishing. Thus virtue was its own reward — until he saw his father again.

— Simple Truth. — "That advertisement of yours was untruthful," protested the diseusted gue.st. "How «)?' demanded the proprietor of the hotel. "Well, it said " Trout are always to be caught here,' and I haven't see anyone who's caught a single one." "Well, then, they are still 'to be caught,' aren't they?'"

— They had had a little party of guests at the house, and he remarked to his wife, a ? Ik- wag getting ready for bed, that he nattered hiiru a lf he and ac*ed the part of host in rather a brilliant manner "I con only iPCt>ll one brilliant action of your*." the said. "Wl>at na< that." "Lighting the gas," was the leply.

— "Mrs Knox.'* said the hostess at dinner, "your little boy rloei-n't seem to have much appetite." "Xo, l.c doesn't, that's a fact." "Don't be bashful. Willie," the hostess urged. "Won't you have rome more of anything?" "No. ma'am," Willie replied. "I filled up on cookies before T come, 'cause T hrord ma tell pa we wouldn't get much here."

— A Cmollary.— Mrs Jinks: "What do you Uiink? A thief shot at Mrs Bingle while she was sitting in her room, and the bullet lodged in a ball of yam which she was winding." Mr Jinks: "Well! well! Bir-gle i* a lucky fellow, isn't he?" Mr* Jinkfe : "I should «ay he iva-." Mi .links: "Yes, indeed. He has a wife who dam 3 stocking."

— - The little boy picked himself out of the puddle where his rude playmalca had thrown him. He wiped the mud from his \tl\et trousers, .his silk stockings, and hi-> lace collar, and &h'r>ip,htcned out his long, ooldpn curls as well a- their demoralised and bedraggled condition would permit. "This," he said bitterly, "is what comes of being mamma's little pet."

—In a certain school there was a little boy who would persist in saying '"have wented." The teacher kept him. in one night, and said, "Now, while I am out of the loom you may wiitc 'have gone' 50 times." When the tpacher cam* 5 back lie looked at <ho boy's paper, and there found ilip- words "'have gone 50 times.'' On the other side was written, "I have wenled home."

— "For 10 yoai?," a aid the nev* boarder, "m/ habits were as regular a.-» clockwork. I rose on the stroke of 6, half an houi later was down at bieakfast; at 7 I was at work: dined at 12, ate supper at 6, and was in bed at 9.30; ote only hearty food, and hadn't a day's illness all the time." "Dear me!" said a hearer, in sympathetic tones ; "and what were you in for". "' Then the boardinghouse clock stopped.

Valuable Discovery foe the Hath — If your hair it. turning grey or while, or fitllin«r off, use " Tlie Mexican Hair Renew er,"' for it will positiicly rctiorr in crcry case Oicy or White hair to its original colour, without leaving the disagreeable smell of most "Restorers." It makes the hair charmingly beautiful, as wpII as promoting the grnwtl> of the hair on bald spot*, wheie the glands are not decayed. Ank your Cliem'bt for "The Mtxicw Hun Eeskwkk, ' bold by Chemists and Pen' imc^ everywhere. Wholesale depot,, 53 Fcun^sjlon io.icl, London, EKglaajJi