FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2455, 3 April 1901, Page 57

FUN AND FANCY.

— Maud : " I don't like to see you throwing yourself at Fred."^ Elizabeth: "Why not.' He's a good catch." . , — - " Don't you know, prisoner, that it s -very tM-ong to steal a pig? "-" I do, now, your Worship ; they make such a row. —Mr Medford : " Your son seems very industrious" Mrs Bedford : "To a certain extent. He is always doing something when it is time to go to bed.' 1 — " You say you're poor, Cadby : yet you sport a gold cigarette case."— " Economy, aear boy. With a handsome ; case one can smoke the cheapest cigarettes." — Scribbler : " Have you read my new novel ' \ Story Without p, Hero '? " Carper : "Yes I think it's misnamed, however. Any mau who reads it through proves himself a hero." T „ — Blinks : " Lucky roan, that fellow Jones. (> Winks: "I don't see how you make it. Blinks: "Why, he took on I a life insurance policy for £1000, and died six days before the "-'juTg?: Prisoner a t the bar have you anything further to state in your, defence . Prisoner : - No, my lord : I only ask you to deal with me as you would with yourselt it yoa were in my place." , — Employer: "I'd engage you for the place at once, only I must have a married Lan." Applicant: "Keep the place . open for an hour, sir. I'll, fix that! It's easier to get married than to get a job. — Hostess : " Dear me, the conversation is flagging. What can we do to amuse our guilts?" Host: " I don't know, unless we feave the drawing room for a few minutes and give them a chance to talk about us -Mrs Bricabrac: " Good gracious, Bridget, how could you have broken that precious vase. It was 400 years old." Bridget (calmly). "Oh if it was an ould thing loike that.yez can take it out ay me nixt week s wages. Said the Reverend Henry Ward Beecher To a hen, " You're a beautiful creature. The hen, pleased thereat, laid an egg in his And h thus did the Hen reWaj:d Beecher. — " So you wish 'to take my daughter away from me?" remarked her doting father. * Weil-ah-that wasn't just exactly my thought," stammered the nervous young Buitof- "my folk could perhaps spare me W1 ?» W&Ko actresses get all their pretty tricks of high-bred manner? "-" They imi£terVe society girls in the boxes."-" And where do society |irU«et all their fascinating little ways? "-"Why, they imitate the act- " Yau can put aside half a dozen of your plumpest partridee=" Poulterer: "Yes, ma'am. Shall l"end"ihem at once? " Lady : "No my husband is out shootui'g. partridges to-day, and Ke will call for them this evening -Jack • " That's a fine dog you have Jim. Do you want to sell him? " Jim: < 'I'll B e that doe knows as much as I do. Ja£K••You don't say so? Well, I'll give you half a crown for him, Jim.' - — Reginald : " I love you, Madeline. For vrni I would give up family, position wealth. "MacielTne: "HoldT Reginald! Giving up uaaeime . ht _j ain wov id be spared a your wealth. We may need it. • - 'schoolmaster : " I came to see you about your son Mr Brown." Brown : What has i LptT doinc ' " Schoolmaster : " Nothing v'ong and that is just what I wish to speag xnyln about. He has been so unusually good f late that I have grave fears for his mental iondSon I suggest that you consult a doconce Waited a restaurant nn-l was served with a plate of fish. Being very well Pleased with the fare he returned Ihrle or four days after and ask ed for a sinni t k Thiq however, he did not ukc nearly so wS as the last', and calling the Jai er told him so, when that worthy replied: " That's very strange, sir, for it s part of the £a ™ C " Your account of the concert last night,'' said the musician, " omitted all mention of the very thing I wanted to see printed, lfae viofin I played, as I was careful to tell your leporter, was a genuine Stradivarius, and one of the best ever made."— " That s allnght, eai'd the editor. " When Mr Stradivanus gets his fiddles advertised in this paper it will cost him half a crown a line. Good morning, sir. — An individual of somewhat doubtful appearance was applying for a situation as vandriver. On being asked for references, he mentioned one of the dealer's old hands, who was called in and questioned as to the applicant's honesty. The referee rubbed his chin meditatively for a moment^ and feiidi, " Ed-

nest? Well, guvnor, his honesty's bin pro\ed agin and ag.n. Faith, he's bin tried sivin tonnes for stealing, and eshcaped every toime ! " The applicant was not engaged.