FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2439, 12 December 1900, Page 56

FUN AND FANCY.

— Bessie : "I want you to know that I don't stand on trifles." Bertie (glancing at her feet) : "No, I see you don't." — Poet: "Poets, sir, are born, not made." Publisher : "That's right — lay the blame upon ycui poor father and mother." — Artist (to villager) : "What a pretty cottage! May I paint it?" Villager: "Lor' no ! It's only just been whitewashed \" — He : "My idea of a good story-teller is one that can hold you from start to finish." She: "Tell me a good one and don't let me fall." — Friend: "Does your town boast of a football team ?" Suburbanite: "No, we used to boast of one, but we have to apologise for it now." — Clubber : "Nofc a barber's shop within five miles! Do you call that civilisation?" Sntibber : "Well, it certainly isn't barbarism." — Mrs A.: "Do you find it more economical to do your own cooking?" Mrs B. : "Oh, yes ; my husband don't eat half as much as he did." — Typewriter Girl: "Will you kindly hand me the gum?" Gushing Bookkeeper : "Certainly ; with all my heart." Typewriter Girl : "No thanks; only the gum, please." — Fond Mamma : "I think I shall send Eunice abroad to have her voice cultivated." Fond Papa : "Very well, my clear. As^ long as the cultivation is done abroad I sha'n't object." — "Mandy," said her elderly relative, "that young Spoonamore hasn't a penny to bless himself with. You would be simply crazy to marry him." "I am, axintie," replied Miss Mandy. — Young Mother : "Baby is somewhat cross to-day. He is teething." Bachelor (in great awe of the mite of humanity) : "And when do you expect him to ccommencee — cr — hairing?" — A little girl of four years was riding past a cemetery with her mother. Looking up, she said: "Mamma, how long is it after they bury a person before the gravestone comes up?" — The Arizona editor who divides his spare hcurs between reading Kipling and cleaning his gun, has just hung this neat placard in his sanctum: "Don't submit spring poetry — lest we forget." — Beggar (insinuatingly): "I say, mister, have yer got any suggestions to make a feller wot ain't able to raise a penny to git shaved with?" Old Gentleman (passing on): "Yes; grow a beard." — Young Stone: "I spoke to the chemist, and he advised me that I should " Doctor (interrupting) : "Oh, he save you some idiotic advice, I suppose." Stone: "He advised me to see you !" — Mrs Jones: '-'The Robinsons are highly elated because their baby weighs ten pounds and ours only eight." Jones: "Wait till they have to walk the floor all night with it, and they will want to swap with us." — Little Willie: "This paper says that Mr Hamlet Smithers received an ovation. What does that mean?" Father: "The word ovation, my son, is derived from the Latin ova, | which means an egg. Ovation means a shower of eggs." — "Well, little chap, 1 ' said the stranger in the family, picking up one of the children, "what are you going to be when you're a man?" "Nuffin' " said the child. "Nothing? Why?" asked the stranger. "Because," said the child, "I am a little girl." — "What is the reason you charge twice as much for my cuffs as you did formerly?" Washerwoman: "Because you have begun n-sking pencil notes on them." "What difference does that make?" Washerwoman: "The girls waste so much time in trying to make them out." — Good Samaritan (irascibly): "You told me, Mr Jinks, the other clay when I relieved | your want, that your son was serving the Queen, and now I find that he is a convict at Dartmoor." Mr Jinks: "Well, sir, it isn't

fer the likes of me to question where her Most Gracious Majesty wishes to employ 'Arry'a services."