FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2402, 15 March 1900, Page 53

FUN AND FANCY.

—Mr Skinflint (to waiter)': "Don't you get tired of Avaiting?" Waiter: "Yes, for a. tip." — "What makes you so sure he is not a successful man?" "He hasn't enough enemies."

— Of course the man who says he is single from choice tells the truth. - The girl had the choice. • -

— "Papa, what is broadmindedness?" "Agreeing with headstrong people \ihen you know they are Avrong." — Longshot : "Do you consider horseshoes an emblem of luck?" Placor: "Yes, when .hey are on the Avinning horse." — Caller : "Is Miss SAveetie in?" Servant : "No, sir." "But I just saw her come in." "Yes. .sir; but she saw you as well."

— What nonsense it is to~- say a , man is inclined to .be bald. When a man is becoming bald it^ is quite against his inclination. , — "You say you know why Johnstone went to'-the Avar? Why, man, you neA r er saw him in. all your life !" "But I've seen his wife !" The goat he ate a comic page, And soon began to pun. " I can't help it," he softly said. " You see, I'm full of fun."

— JMrs'Haughteigh-: "Why didn't you stop, sir, when you saw me wave my hand?"" 'Bus .Conductor: "I thought you were throwing^ me kisses, mum." "

— Tutor. "To get him through his exams, with credit, rriy fee will be lOOgs !" Father : "Very goot — mit gredit lOOgs — mit cash you must dake dwenty-five per shent off 1" — Interpreted. — Boreman : "The fact of the matter is that my writings are no ordinary stuff. They are a luxury." Bingham: "I see. Something one can do Avithout."

— Photographer: "Is there any particular way in Avhioh j-ou Avould like to be taken?" Negro : "Yes, sah. If dere's no dejection I'd like to be taken in light cream colour."

— Husband: "My darling, when I am gone, how will you ever be able to pay the doctor's bill?" Wife : "Don't worry about that, dear. If the worst comes to the worst I Avill marry the doctor."

— When a woman says to you: "Go away ! I don't Avant to see you again," you may live in hope. If, on the other hand, she says : "I shall always be glad to see you," you may take your hook.

—As Usual. — Mrs A: ''I heard some awful stories about you. Some of your enemies must have been slandering you." Mrs B: "Oh, dear, no ! lam more inclined to think it was some of my friends "

"Mj dear," said Mrs Hunewell, as she poured out the coffeo at breakfast, <r do you believe in the eternal fitness of things?" "I used to," replied Hunewell, "but that was before you began to make my shirts."

— Cause for Complaint. — Miss Browning: "You shouldn't complain. The editor took one of your poems." Jack Cribber: "Yes; but he took that miserable little thing I plagiarised from Byron, and rejected my own literary masterpiece !" —^Little Boy: "I wish I could go off and discover a country." Proud Father: "Do you, my boy? And why?" Little Boy: "I think it 'ud be a good deal more fun •sailin' -around than sittin' in school an' studytin' about wot others discovered."

— M.rs Newlywed: "I was going to haA'e some spongecake as a surprise for you, dear, but I confess it is a failure." Mr Newlywed : "What was the matter?" Mrs Newlywed: "I don't know for sure, but I think the chemist sent me the wrong kind of sponges."

— Customer : "Look here, I Avant to change this coat I bought yesterday. My wife doesn't like it." 'Heidelberg: "Change that coat? You must be crazy. That's the finest piece of goods you ever wore. I tell you what, my friend, you'd better keep that coat and go home and change your wife !"

— Butcher (to small boy) : "Yoti don't have so much meat at your house as you used to." Small Boy : "No ; father's turned vegetarian." Butcher : "Well, my lad, tell your father from me that wegetarians gen'rally come to a bad end. Noav look at a bullock — -a's a wegetarian. Wot's 'is fate? -To be slaughtered in 'is prime !" — Fogg: "Charley, you were born to be a writer." Charley (blushing with conscious pride) : "Ah, you have seen some of the things I have turned off!" Fogg: "No; I wasn't referring to Avhat you baA'e Avritten. I Avas thinking what a splendid ear you have for carrying a pen. Immense, Charley — simply immense !" —It was the first time she .iad ever seen the sea, and she said to her husband : "Well, I am -glad we've come, William. Would you jver have believed there was such a sight of water in one place in the Avorld?" "No, I wouldn't," returned William. "And when you consider that we can't see any but what's on top, it's all the more astonishin', Sarah, aow, ain't it?" . •